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‘The Flirting Game’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Flirting Game

613. The Flirting Game

Aired January 7, 1997

Jill has flirting on her mind after she sees Tim talked into buying a household cleaner by an attractive door-to-door saleswoman.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It went well. They're gonna bring me to meet Dr. Matthews.
Patty: Oh. Well, you're a shoo-in. You know more about psychology than half of the professors here. How do you know so much about abnormal behavior?
Jill: Have you met my husband?

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi again, and welcome back to Tool Time.
Al: Where we continue our look at antique tools.
Tim: These beautiful, handcrafted, antique tools came from a time when more power meant manpower. [grunts]
Al: Now, over here, we have two pedal-powered machines. This happens to be a pedal-powered scroll saw.
Tim: Over here is a lathe. Let me show you how this works. Take a seat here. Now, say you're making a table leg.
Al: You're making a table leg. [laughs]
Tim: It's like an exercise bike. While you're shaping your leg, your leg's getting shaped. [imitates Pee-wee Herman laugh]
Al: Now, over here we have an old rope-making machine. You simply turn the crank and three pieces of twine become one piece of rope.
Tim: In the time before television, families would sit around the rope machine and watch knots landing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Tell us about this, Al.
Al: Well, this is an old hog oiler.
Tim: Now, how does this compare with the one in your mom's house?
Al: You see, the way these work is the hog comes up and it rubs against the rollers like so. And the skin becomes moist.
Tim: Oh. So, the hog actually looks at this as kind of an "oinkment." [Al laughs]

Quote from Brad

Brad: Hello.
Saleswoman: Hello. I'd like to speak to the man or the woman of the house.
Brad: I'm the man of the house.
Saleswoman: May I ask what you're using to solve your tough cleaning problems?
Tim: His mother. What have I told you about talking to solicitors, Brad? You want to be as warm and friendly as possible. I'll handle this.
Brad: But, Dad...
Tim: Brad.
Brad: Uh, I go to Lakeside High. Stop by sometime. It's filthy.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, that woman flirted with you so you'd buy her product. You totally fell for it.
Tim: I didn't fall for anything. I just wanted some good cleaner and to help my country.
Jill: You have a whole garage full of Binford cleaner.
Tim: Yeah, but not like this. Honey, this is the most powerful cleaning agent approved for use during peacetime.
Jill: Would you have bought all that cleaner it had been a man at the door?
Tim: Yes. As long as it had sodium Metamucil in it.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Why do we have to clean all day?
Tim: Because I like a clean house.
Randy: No. Because you got suckered into buying 40 bucks of lemon-scented water.
Tim: Lemon-scented water with sodium meta-silverfish in it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, it was entirely subconscious. I'm ashamed of what I did.
Tim: Don't be ashamed of it. You give the guy a wink and you keep our insurance rates down. I wish I could do that.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: If I had great legs, I could drive as fast as I wanted to.
Jill: You are entirely missing the point!
Tim: The point is if I were a sexy woman, my life would be a lot easier.
Randy: And mine would be a lot more screwed up.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hidy-ho, neighborette. May I ask why you thrash your trash?
Jill: I flirted to get out of a traffic ticket today. I sunk to the level of that saleswoman who sold Tim a whole case of useless cleaner.
Wilson: Oh, you mean Liquid Wonder? I bought a whole case myself.
Jill: From the Liquid Wonder tramp?
Wilson: Well, that is no way to talk about Cathy.
Jill: Cathy. Oh, Wilson.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, unfortunately, everybody, at some time or another, is susceptible to the wiles of the opposite sex.
Jill: Well, I come from the old school of feminism. I don't want to be wily. You know that I wasn't even aware I was flirting with that cop. For all I know, I may have been doing it the whole time in that job interview I had.
Wilson: Well, unfortunately, in many societies, women are at a disadvantage, so that subconsciously, or consciously, they flirt in order to level the playing field.
Jill: In other words, you guys own the stadium, and we're the pom-pom girls.
Wilson: Well, I didn't make the rules. I'm just on the winning team.
Jill: The whole thing stinks.
Wilson: Well, I know who would agree with you. Charlotte Whitten, the Canadian feminist. She said that whatever women do, they have to do twice as well as men in order to be thought half as good.
Jill: I don't mind working twice as hard. It's these stupid games I don't want to have to play. And I'm not gonna let myself do it anymore. You men are so lucky you don't have to do that stuff.
Wilson: Well, sometimes we do it anyway.
Jill: Ah, not you, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh, it's true. Whenever I want that special book from Shirley the librarian, I roguishly flash my baby blues... ...and eloquently quote the Greek philosophers. I disgust myself, but I always get the book.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I've never seen you in that suit. You look hot.
Jill: I don't look hot. I look serious and professional.
Tim: Come on, baby. Spin for daddy.
Jill: What is the matter with you? This is not sexy. I am almost completely covered up.
Tim: That's what's sexy about it. It gets me thinking about what you got covered up.
Jill: Well, maybe I should just wear, you know, a longer skirt.
Tim: Even sexier. Mystery of the unknown.
Jill: I could wear my burgundy pantsuit. That's the most conservative thing I have.
Tim: Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Nothing turns a man on more than conservative. Remember what a fan I used to be of Barbara Bush?
Jill: You are unbelievable! I should just go to this interview in my ratty old bathrobe and a shower cap.
Tim: The blue one with the ducks on it? Yeah!

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, here's another tool I'm hog-wild about. This is an antique sausage stuffer.
Tim: Very simple. The casing goes on this end, put your ground-up meat in here, push the plunger down and you got yourself a custom-made kielbasa.
Al: Very few moving parts. It's a nice, well-made tool. Well, that's it for antique tools...
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. You think we'd end this without me showing the audience how I make my own personal brand of sausage?
Al: I prayed.
Tim: Well, I got an old Taylor family recipe. Put the meat in the hopper up here. I use a lean pork shoulder. Little bit of garlic, onion, chives. Then to make it spicy, I go with a little cayenne pepper. [Cajun accent] I guarantee spicy. Jalapeno pepper and a little chili powder.
Al: Sounds like it's gonna be tough on the tummy.
Tim: Way ahead of you, Al. I've got some secret ingredients to help prevent that. All right. We go with a little bit of Maalox. Just a touch. A little bit of this pink stuff just for a dash of color. How about that? Just a touch of Gas Be Gone. Poof! And a little bit of Beano. A soupcon of Beano. And just for safety's sake, I wouldn't eat this stuff near an open flame.

Quote from Jill

Jill: All right! I got that interview for the research job in the Psych department.
Brad: Where you work in the basement, no windows, no pay?
Jill: Yes! God, I hope I get it!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Uh, what are you selling?
Saleswoman: Liquid Wonder, the amazing new multi-purpose dirt destroyer. Cleans grease, woodwork, patio furniture, mini-blinds and, oh, so much more.
Tim: I got a whole case of Binford cleaner in the garage.
Saleswoman: But Liquid Wonder has fast-acting sodium metasilicate. [flicks hair]
Tim: Wow. What is that?
Saleswoman: The most potent cleaning ingredient the government allows on the market.
Tim: [laughs] God bless America, huh? I'll take one.
Saleswoman: Just one?
Tim: Case.
Saleswoman: That will be $40.
Tim: OK.
Saleswoman: Thank you so much.
Tim: Well, $40 for a case of this cleaner, it's a steal.

Quote from Jill

Patty: Hi. Um, has Jill Taylor come out of her interview yet? Because, uh, she's giving me a ride home. I'm running late. I'm always running late. I don't know what it is with me.
Receptionist: I'm the receptionist. I don't care what it is with you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: If I get this job, not only will I get to work with Dr. Matthews, but my name will be on a research paper.
Patty: [siren wailing] I hate to tell you, but your name is also gonna be on a speeding ticket.
Jill: Oh, no! I can't believe this. I have never gotten a ticket.
Police Officer: Good evening, ma'am. May I please see your driver's license and registration?
Jill: Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely, sir. [Patti chuckles as Jill bends over to grabs her purse from the backseat] It's here somewhere. Let me see. Uh, glasses, uh, hair brush, coupons, uh... Tic Tac?
Police Officer: Just the license and registration.
Patty: Uh, I'll have a Tic Tac.
Police Officer: Ma'am, I clocked you at 75 miles an hour. The maximum speed limit is 65.
Jill: I understand, officer. I am so sorry. I never speed. It's just I was so excited about this job interview I just came from. If I get this job, my name will be on a research paper on the effects of adolescent anti-social behavior on inner-family dynamics. But I guess you've heard that story a thousand times.
Police Officer: Just tonight.
Jill: Officer, um, I know this isn't standard procedure, but could you possibly find it in your heart to just let me off with a warning? [flicks hair] Officer, I will never speed again.
Police Officer: You think you can really be more careful from now on?
Jill: I promise.
Police Officer: Well, I guess I can make an exception and let you off just this once.
Jill: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!
Police Officer: Don't mention it... to anybody.
Patty: Oh, no.
Jill: No. Good night.

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