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‘I'm Scheming of a White Christmas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: I'm Scheming of a White Christmas

212. I'm Scheming of a White Christmas

Aired December 16, 1992

Brad and Randy spend the money they are raising for charity. Meanwhile, Maureen Binford books Manhattan Transfer for Tool Time's Christmas special.

Quote from Brad

Jill: You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Center. You stole money out of the hands of kids who have next to nothing for Christmas.
Brad: We weren't gonna take all of it, just some of it.
Jill: Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
Brad: We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Tim: You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. Then you can go back to the stores, take this stuff back and get the money for it.
Jill: And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
Brad: But, Mom, they're gonna think we're thieves.
Randy: Good, Brad.

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Quote from Brad

Randy: We made 90 bucks.
Brad: If we made 90 bucks a day, and we worked for seven days, we'd make, like, 200 bucks!
Randy: Brad, your math tutor must be proud.

Quote from Randy

Randy: This is more money than we've ever had on our bed before.
Brad: Yeah. If the money was ours, we could buy 30 Rooster Man comic books.
Randy: Yeah, and we could get Barbarian 2 for Game Boy.
Brad: Yeah. Too bad you don't get paid collecting for charity.
Randy: If we were working at regular jobs, we'd get paid salary. How much do you think Dad makes?
Brad: I don't know. Three bucks an hour.
Randy: Yeah. And Al does most of the work.

Quote from Jill

Mark: When do we get to the cheese?
Jill: Soon. [gasps] This can't be right.
Mark: It's so small.
Jill: I had no idea when I ordered this that it was actual size.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, honey, I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition thing with Doc Johnson again this year.
Tim: Please. I'm past it, OK? I've nothing to prove. This year, I'm going for, like, a low-key approach. All right. When I flick the switch, it's gonna be kinda bright, so you're gonna need these sunglasses.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: Don't look directly at the snowman. [electrical buzzing]
Mark: Mom? Dad? Where'd you go?
Jill: We're still here.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. Pretty awesome lights out there, huh?
Randy: It's really hot out there. I don't know if all that straw around the baby Jesus is such a great idea.
Tim: Randy, he's the Son of God. He'll be fine.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Honey, why did you turn the light off of Frosty?
Jill: There was a plane headed for our house, Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho-ho-ho, good neighbors.
Jill: Merry Christmas, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill, I wanna thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift box.
Jill: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that those little cheese logs were actual size.
Wilson: Well, don't be sorry. They went perfectly with the little bottle of rum I got from the airlines. And this is for you, good neighbors. Fresh from the oven.
Jill: Oh, thank you. What is it?
Wilson: That is a plum cake. On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire, England, take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn, then they throw cider in her face.
Tim: The malls close early over there.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If the cow flips the cake forward, it means it's going to be a very good harvest.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Tell me where you came up with a stupid idea like this.
Brad: Well, we were gonna get you really neat Christmas presents.
Tim: Don't give me that.
Jill: Yeah, I can't live without Rooster Man.
Randy: Well, the watch is for you, Dad.
Tim: And the locket's for Mom?
Brad: Well, no. That's for Jennifer.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What I'd like to do first is introduce our musical guests. No, we couldn't get the barking dogs.
Audience: Aw.
Tim: But we got a group that sounds a lot like 'em. [laughs] Just kidding. I'd like to introduce the Manhattan Transfer, ladies and gentlemen. Well, it's good to have you here. I gotta admit, I'm a big fan. I always wanted to know, who's Manhattan and who's Transfer?
Tim Hauser: Yeah, right. Right. No, that's the name of the group, Tim. Come on. We have our own names.
Tim: Oh, yeah, just like the rest of us would have.
Janis Siegel: I'm Janis.
Cheryl Bentyne: I'm Cheryl.
Tim Hauser: I'm Tim.
Alan Paul: I'm Alan. But you know, sometimes people call me Al.
Tim: Tim and Al. Do you assist him?
Alan Paul: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, Manhattan Transfer will not be using a backup band today because they'll be singing Acapulco.
Tim Hauser: Tim, actually, it's "a cappella."
Tim: That's warm there too. I love it there.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Randy, do you really think Dad's gonna hang our pictures up in the post office?
Randy: I hope you're kidding.

Quote from Brad

Jill: I think this is a really good idea. We'll take you back to the shelter tomorrow.
Randy: OK. We have some more stuff in the basement.
Jill: OK. Well, just gather everything up that you don't play with.
Brad: OK. Mark, jump in.
Mark: Shut up.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Honey, have you seen the front yard? Frosty's missing.
Jill: I know.
Tim: Oh, it's not enough that Doc Johnson wins the contest. Now he's gonna hijack my snowman?
Jill: Doc Johnson didn't take it.
Tim: I suppose a 17-foot plastic snowman is hiding from me?
Jill: Does this look familiar?
Tim: Frosty?
Jill: He had a power surge and suffered a meltdown.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, everyone in the neighborhood's standing outside of our house, and they don't look too happy.
Tim: Oh, everyone in the whole neighborhood's out there? The whole neighborhood's stood out there? Is Mrs.
Swanson out there with those stupid drop earrings? Open the door, she's right here?
[When Tim opens the door, the neighbors are shouting over each other]
Tim: You know, maybe I should put a dimmer on that. Wouldn't that be a good idea?

Quote from Randy

Randy: I mean, we worked hard, and I'm wearing out my shoes.
Brad: So?
Randy: So... charity... charity... two for us.
Brad: I don't know. This is all supposed to go to charity.
Randy: It will. I'm just taking a little bit out for business expenses. Besides, Mom always says, "Charity begins at home."

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: Oh, Tim, there you are. Are you ready to shoot our Christmas promo? [sings] Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tim: You should try to cheer up a little bit, Maureen.

Quote from Tim

Al: [dressed as Santa Claus] Ho ho ho.
Tim: Look, it's a telephone repairman from the North Pole.
Al: And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
Tim: A new assistant.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim "The Elf Man" Taylor.
Maureen Binford: Oh, now, don't be such a grinch. You looked adorable. I've got a wonderful surprise.
Tim: You joined a convent and took a vow of silence.
Maureen Binford: No, silly. I have booked some very special musical guests for our Christmas show. Guess who? Time's up! Manhattan Transfer!
Tim: Manhattan Transfer? Didn't you think about checking with me?
Maureen Binford: Tim, are you forgetting? [singsong] Producer! Besides, who did you want me to book? Those musical barking dogs that sing "Jingle Bells"?
Tim: Yes! We were trying to get them for three years.
Al: They won't do a cable show.

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: Come on. Come on. Think big-time Christmas special. Manhattan Transfer. [hums] All the Tool Time gang sitting around the fireplace all cuddly and cozy, sipping cider with cinnamon sticks.
Tim: Put a nail gun to my temple and kill me right now.

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