Jill: You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Center. You stole money out of the hands of kids who have next to nothing for Christmas.
Brad: We weren't gonna take all of it, just some of it.
Jill: Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
Brad: We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Tim: You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. Then you can go back to the stores, take this stuff back and get the money for it.
Jill: And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
Brad: But, Mom, they're gonna think we're thieves.
Randy: Good, Brad.

Randy: We made 90 bucks.
Brad: If we made 90 bucks a day, and we worked for seven days, we'd make, like, 200 bucks!
Randy: Brad, your math tutor must be proud.

Randy: This is more money than we've ever had on our bed before.
Brad: Yeah. If the money was ours, we could buy 30 Rooster Man comic books.
Randy: Yeah, and we could get Barbarian 2 for Game Boy.
Brad: Yeah. Too bad you don't get paid collecting for charity.
Randy: If we were working at regular jobs, we'd get paid salary. How much do you think Dad makes?
Brad: I don't know. Three bucks an hour.
Randy: Yeah. And Al does most of the work.

Tim: Hey, guys. Pretty awesome lights out there, huh?
Randy: It's really hot out there. I don't know if all that straw around the baby Jesus is such a great idea.
Tim: Randy, he's the Son of God. He'll be fine.

Tim: Honey, why did you turn the light off of Frosty?
Jill: There was a plane headed for our house, Tim.

Jill: Oh, honey, I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition thing with Doc Johnson again this year.
Tim: Please. I'm past it, OK? I've nothing to prove. This year, I'm going for, like, a low-key approach. All right. When I flick the switch, it's gonna be kinda bright, so you're gonna need these sunglasses.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: Don't look directly at the snowman. [electrical buzzing]
Mark: [reaching out] Mom? Dad? Where'd you go?
Jill: We're still here.

Wilson: Hi-ho-ho-ho, good neighbors.
Jill: Merry Christmas, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill, I wanna thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift box.
Jill: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that those little cheese logs were actual size.
Wilson: Well, don't be sorry. They went perfectly with the little bottle of rum I got from the airlines. And this is for you, good neighbors. Fresh from the oven.
Jill: Oh, thank you. What is it?
Wilson: That is a plum cake. On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire, England, take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn, then they throw cider in her face.
Tim: The malls close early over there.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If the cow flips the cake forward, it means it's going to be a very good harvest.

Mark: When do we get to the cheese?
Jill: Soon. [gasps] This can't be right.
Mark: It's so small.
Jill: I had no idea when I ordered this that it was actual size.

Tim: Tell me where you came up with a stupid idea like this.
Brad: Well, we were gonna get you really neat Christmas presents.
Tim: Don't give me that.
Jill: Yeah, I can't live without Rooster Man.
Randy: Well, the watch is for you, Dad.
Tim: And the locket's for Mom?
Brad: Well, no. That's for Jennifer.

Tim: What I'd like to do first is introduce our musical guests. No, we couldn't get the barking dogs.
Audience: Aw.
Tim: But we got a group that sounds a lot like 'em. [laughs] Just kidding. I'd like to introduce the Manhattan Transfer, ladies and gentlemen. Well, it's good to have you here. I gotta admit, I'm a big fan. I always wanted to know, who's Manhattan and who's Transfer?
Tim Hauser: Yeah, right. Right. No, that's the name of the group, Tim. Come on. We have our own names.
Tim: Oh, yeah, just like the rest of us would have.
Janis Siegel: I'm Janis.
Cheryl Bentyne: I'm Cheryl.
Tim Hauser: I'm Tim.
Alan Paul: I'm Alan. But you know, sometimes people call me Al.
Tim: Tim and Al. Do you assist him?
Alan Paul: I don't think so, Tim.