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‘Al's Fair in Love and War’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Home Improvement: Al's Fair in Love and War

123. Al's Fair in Love and War

Aired April 28, 1992

Al is nervous when he spots Greta Post in the Tool Time audience, so Tim gives him some advice on how to ask her out.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It's just my diary from college. There's nothing that would interest you in here.
Tim: Really? Hey, what about that steamy night in Saugatuck we spent, huh?
Jill: There might be one short paragraph.
Tim: I bet it says something like. "Tonight, I saw paradise."
Jill: "And it was a very small island."


Quote from Tim

Tim: No, no, no. I promised I wouldn't touch it. [Randy starts to walk away with Jill's diary] Whoa. But that doesn't stop you from putting it out and accidentally opening it up.
Randy: Wait a second. This could be worth something. I could tell Mom about this.
Tim: And I could duct-tape you to a ceiling fan and force-feed you liver.
Randy: How's "August 22. 1974"?

Quote from Randy

Tim: Gather around, my sons.
Randy: What's up, Dad?
Tim: Tonight, we put a carcass on the grill, oil up our bodies, put our loincloths on and celebrate...
the first barbecue of the season. [grunts] And you'll notice, Daddy-o here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
Randy: The fire department?

Quote from Tim

Tim: And spring is the time that a young man's fancy turns to love and outdoor lighting. Yes, outdoor lighting can enhance the back yard in a variety of ways. For example, this is the type of lighting you want in your back yard if you have a pool.
Audience: Ooh.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a patio.
Audience: Aah.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a big monument.
["Hail to the Chief" plays as Tim holds a picture of the Washington Monument]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. What are you studying?
Jennifer: Exponents and square roots.
Tim: Ooh, math. I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not cool? [Jennifer laughs]
Brad: Dad?
Tim: Uh-huh. [walks away]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, are you still digging through boxes?
Jill: Tim, it's called spring cleaning.
Tim: Jill, it's called "lug it away". You go through the box, you pull out stuff, you say: "Oh, doesn't this bring back fond memories?" Then you put it right back in the box and have me lug it away.
Jill: Well, here, you big lug. Lug this.
Tim: What's the magic word?
Jill: [grunts]
Tim: No, that's "thank you". "Please" is... [grunts]
Jill: [grunts]

Quote from Jill

Tim: How about our first date? That's got to be in there. Read me that.
Jill: Well, I have to admit you swept me off my feet. Oh, that strolling violinist... The way you climbed up to the second-floor dorm room and just stuck that note on my window...
Tim: Whoa. I didn't do that.
Jill: Yeah. You remember, it was that same night that... Oh. Never mind. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, guys. What's so funny?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Just a naked baby picture of Brad.
Tim: Let me see that. Which end is his face? [Mark laughs] It's hard to tell. They both look like they're smiling.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on in. What's going on?
Al: I just wanted to apologize to you, man to man, for screwing up on the show today.
Tim: [deep voice] Well, Al, I accept your apology, man to man. [they shake hands] All right, now, hit the deck and give me 20. Right now! [Al bends down] I'm kidding, buddy.

Quote from Al

Al: I suppose Tim mentioned to you how I embarrassed myself today.
Jill: No.
Al: You didn't? I embarrassed myself today in front of Greta Post.
Jill: Greta Post?
Al: Yeah. You remember, she was on the female Tool Time. She wore a blue denim shirt on top of a soft-pink T-shirt and.. And silver dangle earrings. Blond hair, kind of shoulder-length, with a dimple on her left...
Tim: [whistles] Al, it's not a police line-up.

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