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‘Al's Fair in Love and War’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Al's Fair in Love and War

123. Al's Fair in Love and War

Aired April 28, 1992

Al is nervous when he spots Greta Post in the Tool Time audience, so Tim gives him some advice on how to ask her out.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It's just my diary from college. There's nothing that would interest you in here.
Tim: Really? Hey, what about that steamy night in Saugatuck we spent, huh?
Jill: There might be one short paragraph.
Tim: I bet it says something like. "Tonight, I saw paradise."
Jill: "And it was a very small island."

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Quote from Tim

Tim: No, no, no. I promised I wouldn't touch it. [Randy starts to walk away with Jill's diary] Whoa. But that doesn't stop you from putting it out and accidentally opening it up.
Randy: Wait a second. This could be worth something. I could tell Mom about this.
Tim: And I could duct-tape you to a ceiling fan and force-feed you liver.
Randy: How's "August 22. 1974"?

Quote from Randy

Tim: Gather around, my sons.
Randy: What's up, Dad?
Tim: Tonight, we put a carcass on the grill, oil up our bodies, put our loincloths on and celebrate...
the first barbecue of the season. [grunts] And you'll notice, Daddy-o here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
Randy: The fire department?

Quote from Tim

Tim: And spring is the time that a young man's fancy turns to love and outdoor lighting. Yes, outdoor lighting can enhance the back yard in a variety of ways. For example, this is the type of lighting you want in your back yard if you have a pool.
Audience: Ooh.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a patio.
Audience: Aah.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a big monument.
["Hail to the Chief" plays as Tim holds a picture of the Washington Monument]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. What are you studying?
Jennifer: Exponents and square roots.
Tim: Ooh, math. I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not cool? [Jennifer laughs]
Brad: Dad?
Tim: Uh-huh. [walks away]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, are you still digging through boxes?
Jill: Tim, it's called spring cleaning.
Tim: Jill, it's called "lug it away". You go through the box, you pull out stuff, you say: "Oh, doesn't this bring back fond memories?" Then you put it right back in the box and have me lug it away.
Jill: Well, here, you big lug. Lug this.
Tim: What's the magic word?
Jill: [grunts]
Tim: No, that's "thank you". "Please" is... [grunts]
Jill: [grunts]

Quote from Jill

Tim: How about our first date? That's got to be in there. Read me that.
Jill: Well, I have to admit you swept me off my feet. Oh, that strolling violinist... The way you climbed up to the second-floor dorm room and just stuck that note on my window...
Tim: Whoa. I didn't do that.
Jill: Yeah. You remember, it was that same night that... Oh. Never mind. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, guys. What's so funny?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Just a naked baby picture of Brad.
Tim: Let me see that. Which end is his face? [Mark laughs] It's hard to tell. They both look like they're smiling.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on in. What's going on?
Al: I just wanted to apologize to you, man to man, for screwing up on the show today.
Tim: [deep voice] Well, Al, I accept your apology, man to man. [they shake hands] All right, now, hit the deck and give me 20. Right now! [Al bends down] I'm kidding, buddy.

Quote from Al

Al: I suppose Tim mentioned to you how I embarrassed myself today.
Jill: No.
Al: You didn't? I embarrassed myself today in front of Greta Post.
Jill: Greta Post?
Al: Yeah. You remember, she was on the female Tool Time. She wore a blue denim shirt on top of a soft-pink T-shirt and.. And silver dangle earrings. Blond hair, kind of shoulder-length, with a dimple on her left...
Tim: [whistles] Al, it's not a police line-up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, you know what your problem is? You're too darn nice.
Al: Well, I'm just trying to be sensitive to their needs.
Tim: Ugh, I hate hearing that. Women always say they want a sensitive man. Then they end up running off with a kick boxer named Dolph. Women like primitive, raw, wild men - a man with the sensuality of outdoors, that kind of guy.
Jill: The only reason I married you is because you're so sensitive.
Tim: Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Why don't you bring her over here Saturday night? We're just gonna have a cookout, you know, just the family.
Al: Well, I wouldn't want to be any trouble.
Tim: A little late for that, isn't it, Al?
Jill: Shut up, Tim. It's no trouble. You'll be relaxed, and that way she'll get to see the real Al.
Tim: A sad, lonely, broken man. [Al pouts] I'm kidding, buddy.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, beautiful spring day. How is the enchanting maiden Jill?
Tim: "Enchanting maiden"?
Wilson: Just waxing poetic, Tim. I can't help it. It's springtime - love is in the air. Can you smell that?
Tim: Does it smell like sausage?
Wilson: I'm talking about pollen wafting from stamen to stigma, looking to create new flowers, fly, little pollen, fly. Create new life. Pollinate and propagate. Get down.
Jill: [o.s.] Tim! I thought you said you were gonna help me!
Tim: Ah, there's the enchanting maiden now. See ya, Wilson.

Quote from Tim

Jill: My diary's not in there.
Tim: I'm not looking for your diary.
Jill: Yeah, I saw you not looking for it. You're not gonna find it because I hid it. And if by some chance you do find it, swear to me that you will not touch it.
Tim: I swear on my son's head, I will not touch your diary. And if I do... may he go bald.
Randy: Right, Dad.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Am I even in the book?
Jill: No way. Of course you are. You're just not looking in the right place. It was April... That's it. There.
Tim: "Tonight I met the biggest..."
Jill: "Jerk."
Tim: "..on campus.' Tim Taylor. So, it was love at first sight, huh?
Jill: Well, come on, Tim. The first time I saw you, you were hanging from the roof of the girls' dorm, swinging through the air with panties on your head, going, "Send out the virgins to wax my loins."
Tim: [grunting] Oh, yeah.

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