Jill: It's just my diary from college. There's nothing that would interest you in here.
Tim: Really? Hey, what about that steamy night in Saugatuck we spent, huh?
Jill: There might be one short paragraph.
Tim: I bet it says something like. "Tonight, I saw paradise."
Jill: "And it was a very small island."

Tim: No, no, no. I promised I wouldn't touch it. [Randy starts to walk away with Jill's diary] Whoa. But that doesn't stop you from putting it out and accidentally opening it up.
Randy: Wait a second. This could be worth something. I could tell Mom about this.
Tim: And I could duct-tape you to a ceiling fan and force-feed you liver.
Randy: How's "August 22. 1974"?

Tim: Gather around, my sons.
Randy: What's up, Dad?
Tim: Tonight, we put a carcass on the grill, oil up our bodies, put our loincloths on and celebrate...
the first barbecue of the season. [grunts] And you'll notice, Daddy-o here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
Randy: The fire department?

Tim: And spring is the time that a young man's fancy turns to love and outdoor lighting. Yes, outdoor lighting can enhance the back yard in a variety of ways. For example, this is the type of lighting you want in your back yard if you have a pool.
Audience: Ooh.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a patio.
Audience: Aah.
Tim: And this is the type of lighting you want if you have a big monument.
["Hail to the Chief" plays as Tim holds a picture of the Washington Monument]

Tim: Hey, guys. What are you studying?
Jennifer: Exponents and square roots.
Tim: Ooh, math. I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not cool? [Jennifer laughs]
Brad: Dad?
Tim: Uh-huh. [walks away]

Tim: Jill, are you still digging through boxes?
Jill: Tim, it's called spring cleaning.
Tim: Jill, it's called "lug it away". You go through the box, you pull out stuff, you say: "Oh, doesn't this bring back fond memories?" Then you put it right back in the box and have me lug it away.
Jill: Well, here, you big lug. Lug this.
Tim: What's the magic word?
Jill: [grunts]
Tim: No, that's "thank you". "Please" is... [grunts]
Jill: [grunts]

Tim: How about our first date? That's got to be in there. Read me that.
Jill: Well, I have to admit you swept me off my feet. Oh, that strolling violinist... The way you climbed up to the second-floor dorm room and just stuck that note on my window...
Tim: Whoa. I didn't do that.
Jill: Yeah. You remember, it was that same night that... Oh. Never mind. [laughs]

Tim: Hi, guys. What's so funny?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Just a naked baby picture of Brad.
Tim: Let me see that. Which end is his face? [Mark laughs] It's hard to tell. They both look like they're smiling.

Tim: Come on in. What's going on?
Al: I just wanted to apologize to you, man to man, for screwing up on the show today.
Tim: [deep voice] Well, Al, I accept your apology, man to man. [they shake hands] All right, now, hit the deck and give me 20. Right now! [Al bends down] I'm kidding, buddy.

Al: I suppose Tim mentioned to you how I embarrassed myself today.
Jill: No.
Al: You didn't? I embarrassed myself today in front of Greta Post.
Jill: Greta Post?
Al: Yeah. You remember, she was on the female Tool Time. She wore a blue denim shirt on top of a soft-pink T-shirt and.. And silver dangle earrings. Blond hair, kind of shoulder-length, with a dimple on her left...
Tim: [whistles] Al, it's not a police line-up.