Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hidey-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I Ching?
Tim: Sure. The "I Ching," the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.
Wilson: Oh, my!

Jill: Mark, wait! None of you is using the phone until we work out a system of phone usage for you boys.
Tim: All right, listen up.
Jill: OK, it's very simple. Each of you will be allotted 45 minutes a day of phone time. You can't use it continuously unless nobody else is waiting. Of course, none of these rules apply during off-peak times, which would be 9:00 to 5:00 on weekdays, all day on the weekend, and any time your father and I are home. Also, keep in mind, if you fail to use your daily allotment, you can't apply that to future phone usage. Does that sound fair, Tim?
Tim: I lost you after "it's all very simple."

[Harry walks in on Delores hugging Tim]
Harry: Tim? What are you doing here?
Tim: Well, certainly not what it looks like.
Delores: He came over because he's a caring, loving human being who recognizes the importance of family unity.
Harry: Are you drunk?
Delores: I'm gonna leave you two alone. Now, try and open that thick skull of yours and listen to what he has to say. He's a lot smarter than he looks.

Tim: Now, this is like an automated doll house. Of course Al would have an automated dull house.
Al: Well, what would be so great about your automated house?
Tim: Yeah? I'll show you. In my house, let's say I want my plants to have perfect sun, all right? Press this plant icon, and my house rotates from a northern exposure to a beautiful sunny western exposure.
Al: Well, I wouldn't want to be living in a spinning house.
Tim: Who invited ya? Now, here's a good one. Let's say your neighbors put on a two-story addition, you can't even see the stockyards anymore. Press this. And your house rises to the occasion. "When you go get the paper, honey, watch that first step. It's a mean one."
Al: This feature is also good for keeping away pesky door-to-door salesmen. [laughs]
Tim: And speaking of keeping people away from you... You know, when the mother-in-law comes to visit you, perfect opportunity to use the automated house. She's not getting in here. No way. [the house disappears below the ground and a "Lot for sale" sign springs up]

Tim: As long as he's here...
Jill: No.
Tim: Can't we just try...
Jill: No.
Tim: Can't we just...
Jill: No!
Tim: One time. Just think...
Jill: No!
Tim: Think...
Jill: No!
Tim: Home automated system!
Jill: No!

Tim: Uh-oh.
Randy: Not a word you want to hear in this house.

Tim: Hi, Delores.
Delores: What do you want?
Tim: Well, I heard about Dennis wanting to move away. And I came over to talk to Harry about it.
Delores: Let me get this straight. You're taking it upon yourself to fix our family problems?
Tim: Not if you're gonna yell at me.
Delores: Tim, you're a marvelous person. [hugs him]
Tim: No, no...
Delores: Would you like a beer? Some cheese and crackers? Can I glaze you a ham? Oh...

Harry: Hey, Delores. You want to get Tim another beer, please?
Delores: I just got off work. I'm starving to death. And my feet are swelled up like a couple of bloated toads.
Harry: Is that a "yes" or a "no?"
Tim: Hey, I'll get it.
Harry: Absolutely not. You're a guest in this house. You shouldn't have to get your own beer.
[Harry stands up, fluffs his pillow and then sits back down]
Tim: But I'm so comfortable as a gosh-darn guest here, I prefer to get my own beer.
Harry: Get me one, too?

Dennis: Actually, I came in to hook the power supply up for the video phone.
Tim: Video phone?
Delores: Yeah. Dennis has one at his place. He also put one in at the hardware store.
Harry: Yeah. Delores loves it. I call it "Must-Nag TV."

Tim: Do you install those automated-home systems?
Dennis: Oh, yeah, I install those all the time. I can automate just about anything my customers want.
Tim: Yeah? What if I wanted to flush my toilet from the car?
Dennis: Then you'd be a strange, strange man.