TV Quotes

Tim: Well, let me ask you a question. Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you?
Jill: You think I'm smarter than you?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Well, that just shows how smart you are.
Tim: You didn't answer the question.
Jill: Do I ever wish that I married somebody else? Why would I wanna marry anybody else? You're funny, you're sexy, creative, you take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong. I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
Tim: What I said was, "Once a month is enough for PBS." And way too much for the other thing.

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.

Tim: It must've been a great day, watching that first T-Bird roll off that line.
Eddie: Oh, great day. But they were all good days back then. You know, we used to knock out about 100 cars a day. And after work, Hick and me, we'd go down and have a stinky.
Tim: Stinky?
Eddie: Yeah, it's a sandwich.
Hick: My own invention - Limburger cheese, sauerkraut, big slice of Bermuda onion, and some hot mustard.
Eddie: Whoo-hoo.
Tim: Why don't you just lick a skunk?
Eddie: And, Tim, they still make a great stinky at... [to camera] down at Big Mike's Tavern at fourth and Jefferson! Hey, that ought to take care of our tab.
Hick: Yeah, right.
Tim: Big Mike's Tavern. Boy, that sounds like a man's bar there.
Hick: You know it, junior. Pool tables, dark wood, American beer.
Eddie: We go there all the time, fourth and Jefferson!

Tim: Hi, everybody, and welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm Tim Taylor. Of course, you all know Al.
Al: Borland.
Tim: Al, why would they need to know your last name?
Al: You always tell them your last name.
Tim: Al, if they don't know who I am, they won't know who you are. Right, Al?
Al: Borland.