Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.

Mike: How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Sue: Well, I must have done it wrong. I have your balance at minus $11.
Mike: No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong. [Frankie and Mike high-five]

Brick: Hey, Mom. Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy? Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment. It's for the women's club. These glasses are the prize for being their top seller.
Frankie: Let me guess. You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people.
Brick: Exactly.
Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what, now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

Reverend TimTom: Hey, you know, uh, before you do that, would you all mind giving a listen to my new song? I'd love to get some feedback on it.
Mike: Sure.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Moms are people, too She had hopes and dreams before she had you Like maybe The Virgin Mary wanted to play soccer Or travel the world on a whim But when Jesus came along, it all became about him And all the angels sang, "Moms are people, too" And how often do we say thank you? She could've been a shepherd or a fisherman Or maybe starred in a Broadway show But her family came first and she let it all go To drive you to school through the rain, sleet, and snow And use her own sleeve to wipe your runny nose

Axl: By the way, you were wrong.
Mike: Yeah? Look around. I know.
Axl: When I was putting on my work shirt this morning, two things dawned on me. One, this shade of blue really makes my eyes pop, and, two, this shirt does not require a tie.
Mike: I don't know why I would want to extend this conversation, but... how's that make me wrong?
Axl: 'Cause you're always up in my grille. "You gotta learn how to tie a tie, Axl. You gonna need it for your job." Well, I've got a job, and the only person in my entire company who wears a tie is the talking toilet logo.
Mike: Look, every man should know how to do seven things, and tying a tie is one of 'em.
Axl: Huh. I don't know why I'd want to extend this conversation, so I won't.
Mike: The other six are... whistle with your fingers, read a map, grill with charcoal, shine your shoes, open a bottle without an opener, and breaking down a door.
Axl: Wow. That's all pretty relevant stuff. Got any more gems like that, just shoot me a fax.
Mike: Why is that funny?
Axl: 'Cause it's old. [chuckles]