Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Hey, where you going? And what's with the hat?
Axl: If you must know, it's part of our new business venture... "Tree Wise Men," a subsidiary of Boss Co. Enterprises. We're getting paid to put up people's Christmas lights and decorations. It's the season to get rich.
Frankie: Well, we have a tree right here, and as soon as it gets assembled, we are decorating it as a family.
Axl: Oh, but this is the only chance I get to hang out with my friends. Now that I'm in college, which you guys insisted on, I never get to see them anymore.
Frankie: Okay, but as soon as you get back, we're making a trip to the Frugal Hoosier. I'm filling two cars with stuff, and you're gonna be my Christmas helper.
Axl: Ugh. Fine. But I'm gonna need 10 bucks for my time.
Frankie: Oh, are we settling up? Because I put a bill together for all the things I've done for you, and it's a billion dollars.

Brick: We hit the jackpot today eight Christmas cards. The Kirkwoods wish us a happy holidays and... hold on. It's got a letter in it. It's all about their doings and goings-on. Jackson was made captain of the soccer team. Oh, Dale's ankle's better. Who's Dale, again?
Mike: Some guy I went to high school with.
Brick: And yet he thought he should share every detail of his life with you?
Frankie: Yeah, Brick. It's a Christmas letter. People update you on their lives. It's a way to keep in touch.
Brick: So we've gotten more of these?
Frankie: Yeah, I usually throw them out.
Brick: Why? They're fascinating. Emily's engaged! They like him!

Darrin: Rudolph always made me sad, you know? They wouldn't ever let him play any reindeer games. That's B.S., man.
Sean: Hey, if you're gonna feel bad for anyone in the Rudolph special, it's the Island of Misfit Toys. Train with the square wheels, that cowboy riding an ostrich, King Moonracer. Man, that place is depressing.
Axl: I agree with you on the depressing, but you're wrong about King Moonracer. He was not one of the misfit toys.
Sean: Yeah, he was. He was on the Island of Misfit Toys. Therefore, he's a toy.
Axl: The lion with the wings? He was the leader of the misfit toys... he wasn't one of them.
Sean: So you're telling me King Moonracer, this guy here, would willingly hang out with a bunch of unwanted toys when he didn't have to?
Darrin: Good point.
Axl: Think about the end of the special, when Santa delivers the misfit toys. Who's not in the bag? That's right... King Moonracer. Booyah!
Darrin: I guess that settles it.
Sean: Yeah, but they only show, like, five toys being dropped of. Just 'cause King Moonracer isn't one of them doesn't mean he's not a toy. I'm pretty sure that more than five toys get delivered on Christmas.
Axl: What is your problem, man? Why do you hate King Moonracer so much?
Sean: I don't hate him. He's one of my favorite toys.
Axl: Stop calling him a toy!

Brick: [on the phone] So, Jackson made soccer in September. How'd the season go? Oh. That had to be great for his self-esteem. Hey, is Emily there? I'd love to talk to her.
Frankie: Who are you talking to?
Brick: Oh, the Kirkwoods. The family who sent us the Christmas letter.
Frankie: Brick, we barely even know those people. Why would you call them?
Brick: What am I supposed to do? Wait till next year to find out what happened? That's like reading the first chapter of a book, then waiting a year to read the next one. [on the phone] Emily! What up, girl? You and Marshall set a date yet?

Frankie: Okay, something is seriously wrong with Mom, and we need to figure it out. Axl, what did you do?
Axl: Whoa. Why do you think it's my fault?
Sue: 'Cause you always something. Did you call her "old," "gross"?
Axl: Obviously. I've been home for two days. No, I blame Brick. He's the one who's home all the time, and the stress of his freakishness has probably taken its toll on mom.
Brick: Me? I raise myself like a cactus. They hardly have to do anything. Personally, I think it's Sue. Mom's got to be cracking under the pressure of sending her to college.
Axl: She does complain about that a lot.
Brick: Yeah.
Axl: I'm with Brick. That's two votes for Sue. The Sues have it.

Nancy: Knock, knock.
Frankie: Hey, Nancy.
Nancy: Frankie... What's going on? I've heard that you lost your Christmas spirit. Is that true?
Frankie: Au contraire. I have found it.
Nancy: It's just that I noticed the geese out front aren't dressed for Christmas. The wreath isn't on your door. I'm afraid if I go in your guest bathroom, there'll just be regular hand towels in there.

Brick: Fake trees are weird. They don't smell like Christmas.
Axl: If being weird was a reason not to take things home, we would have left you at the hospital.
Brick: [sighs] You did.

Mike: That store was a zoo. Took me 45 minutes just to get somebody to help me. [Frankie sighs] What's with you?
Frankie: What's the point of Christmas?
Mike: What?
Frankie: I don't know if I can do it, Mike. I think I'm done.
Mike: Did you get into the eggnog already? There better be some left.
Frankie: No, it's just... Christmas is so overwhelming. What is the point of it all? I get the ladder, I climb up, I drag down all the decorations, I put them out everywhere. Week or two later, pack them up, lug them back up the ladder, put them away again. Why do I have to go to one store for wrapping paper and another store for bows? Why can't we just use the birthday wrapping paper? It's all just so tedious.
Mike: You know what? You're just in a funk. We'll get the tree up, and you'll get in the Christmas spirit. [opens the box and finds a pink Christmas tree top] Are you kidding me? I got to go back again?
Frankie: Make sure you tell them...
Mike: I know what to tell them!

Frankie: [v.o.] Christmas season is built on tradition, and no tradition is more beloved than the family gathering together to pick out the perfect Christmas tree.
Man: [over PA] Gary to automotive, please. Gary to automotive.
Axl: Why do we have to get a fake tree? Why can't we get a real tree and a fake Sue?
Sue: It's not my fault I'm allergic, Axl. I feel bad enough.
Frankie: Look, nobody's saying it's gonna be the same, but once you put lights on an artificial tree, it can look very realistic. Come on. Let's just check out our choices. We have trees with lights already on, trees that look like they're covered in snow. And, you know, it's good for the environment 'cause they're made out of plastic.
Sue: I like the pink one.
Mike: This is the tree we're gonna have until we die. It's not gonna be pink.