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‘The Guidance Counselor’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: The Guidance Counselor

321. The Guidance Counselor

Aired May 2, 2012

When Sue's Wrestlerettes aren't included in the school yearbook, Sue finds a kindred spirit in her perpetually unnoticed guidance counselor, Jame Marsh (Whoopi Goldberg). Meanwhile, Frankie begs Mike to buy a new bed, while Brick tries to get out of the Presidential Fitness Challenge.

Quote from Mike

Salesman: Now let's get you two out of here. I'm sure you're busy. Would you like the extended warranty?
Mike: No.
Salesman: Assembly and delivery for $50 is usual-
Mike: No.
Salesman: Old mattress removal?
Mike: Nice try, but no.
Frankie: Let me save you some time. It's all "no." This is exactly how he was with the doctor, and that's why he got the-
Mike: Frankie!


Quote from Brick

Frankie: I made dinner.
Brick: Hang on. I'm on hold with the President.
Frankie: How's the bed looking?
Mike: Like it's still in the box. Sue, pass the chips. Brick, come on. Dinner.
Axl: He's holding for the President. He thinks he can talk him out of the Fitness Challenge.
Brick: Great. I'm being transferred to the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. [whispers] Tobacco.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: You always do this, Mike. I try to change the slightest thing, and you go nuts, like when I switched ketchups. It's just ketchup!
Mike: The old ketchup was good. I was happy, something you'll never be because you're never satisfied... And you're always running around changing stuff.
Frankie: You know, when I told Nancy Donahue that you didn't want to get a new bed...
Mike: Why are you telling Nancy Donahue anything?
Frankie: Because she's my friend. If it were up to you, no one would know anything personal about us.
Mike: That's why they call it "personal"!

Quote from Mike

Frankie: But this is what you do. You do this all the time.
Mike: You do this all the time.
Frankie: What?!
Mike: This. "I have to have a sanctuary." "Stringing beads is gonna change my life." "We need a new church." "A foreign exchange student is gonna bring us closer together." "We need to yell at the kids less." "We need to yell at the kids more!" You got a million plans to make things better, Frankie, but they don't. Open your eyes, woman. It's not getting any better! This is it!
Frankie: Well, at least I'm trying, and do I get any support? No.
Mike: Okay, Pat.
Frankie: [gasps] You son of a...

Quote from Brick

Brick: [on the phone] Listen, I've read the constitution, and nowhere does it give the President the power to demand push-ups.
Mike: What are you bothering the President for, anyway? Just suck it up and do it.
Brick: It's embarrassing.
Mike: [shrugs] Come on. It's not that bad. You already did push-ups. How many did you do?
Brick: I'd say about a fourth. There was a lot of push, but not a lot of up.

Quote from Axl

Axl: You know what? I like it.
Sue: Really? Thanks, Axl.
Axl: You're welcome, Sucky.
Sue: It's "Suki."
Axl: Sorry, Pukey.
Sue: Suki!
Axl: Got it, Dooky.
Sue: Suki!

Quote from Axl

Axl: Hey, so if Sue gets a new name, I think we all should, so from now on, I want to be called "Rockstar." Mom can be "Blah-blah-blah," and Dad can be... [off Mike's look] "Dad."

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [on the phone] Thank you, Sanjit. I could use your help. Well, to give you the backstory, my husband never wants to buy anything new, but I got this money from my Aunt Ginny, and we're trying to turn the bedroom into a sanctuary. We have three kids, and it gets a little hectic around here.

Quote from Mike

Mike: Frankie, we're not getting a new bed. We just got a new dishwasher.
Frankie: Oh, you're right. We should only get one new thing every 20 years. Seriously, Mike, this bed is a torture rack.
Mike: We need a reason to get up in the morning, and lower back pain is as good as any. Oh. Look, even if we wanted to, we can't afford a new bed.
Frankie: No, we can. I've thought about it. We still have the money Aunt Ginny left me. Do you think she'd want me to just waste it on bills? That's not what she'd want, Mike.
Mike: Knowing Aunt Ginny, she'd want you to waste it on booze.
Frankie: I want a new bed. We need a new bed. I want to turn our bedroom into a sanctuary.
Mike: Oh! Here we go.

Quote from Sue

Jane Marsh: So, Sue... What kind of counseling can I guide you with? Uh... peer pressure? Uh... low self-esteem? Eating too much... Not eating enough... Sneak eating?
Sue: No. No, no, no. None of that. It's just... High school is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Jane Marsh: Oh. Dyslexia?
Sue: No, thank you.
Jane Marsh: See, it's just I thought it would be a lot different, so I tried out for a bunch of stuff, but I never make anything... So I made my own thing: Wrestlerettes. But then the season ended, but it got me this boyfriend, but then he moved away, but then we promised to keep our love alive, and then we didn't. And now I-I'm not even in the yearbook. It's like my whole year didn't happen. It is soul-crushing.
Jane Marsh: Let me tell you something, Sue. You may not know to look at me now, but I know what it's like to feel like you don't exist.
Sue: Really?
Jane Marsh: A bunch of years ago, I was a student here, too, and nobody knew who I was, either, and I was the only Black kid! And to make matters worse, I had braces. Overbite-crossbite.
Sue: Me, too! Oh, well, now it's an underbite-overbite. They overcorrected.

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