Mike: You know when I was happiest? I mean really happy? When I was driving everybody. When they were small, and I'd be driving. Didn't matter where. It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back. And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving. And I had it. I had everybody.

Brick: How many stars should I give this graph paper? A nine is extremely satisfied, but an eight is very satisfied. That's a pretty wide gap. They really should have half grades. Dad, what's it like to be extremely satisfied?
Mike: You're asking the wrong guy, Brick.
Brick: Okay, well, have you ever been very satisfied?
Mike: I'd be somewhat satisfied if you let me watch my show.
Brick: I just don't want to mess up here. The world is relying on my answers for their graphpaper-buying needs. "How does this graph paper compare with others?" That's like asking you to choose your favorite child.
Mike: That's not as hard as you'd think.
Brick: I need a second opinion here. I'm losing my mind. How does that feel?
Mike: Like paper.
Brick: How would you describe the weight of it?
Mike: Like paper.

Brick: I'm gonna give it a seven for comparability.
Mike: Okay.
Brick: You're comfortable with seven?
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: I'm gonna click it.
Mike: Please do.
Brick: Once I hit this button, that seven's written in stone.
Mike: Good.
Brick: You're being awfully cavalier.
Mike: Brick. [Brick clicks] Damn it.
Brick: I knew it. It's a six. Any idiot could see it's a six.

Mike: It's just such a big part of who he is, you know? I mean, when he was a kid, he was so fast. He m... He moved so fast, like a... fast thing, and I thought, "This kid might actually be able to do this."
Frankie: What? Professionally?
Mike: Mm.
Frankie: Like in the NF football league?
Mike: For a couple of years. Then, obviously, he would open a steakhouse.
Frankie: Pbht!
Mike: You were right.
Frankie: No, duh. I always am.
Mike: Not just that it was a big part of him. It was a big part of me. I was a guy whose kid played football, and now I'm not. It's not fair. They just decide they can quit football, go to Dollywood. They think they can do what they want.
Frankie: Well, they can.

[Frankie comes in from work, drops her bag on the floor and lands on the couch with a sigh]
Brick: Oh, I need graph paper.
Frankie: What? Brick, I was just at Office Depot, getting a Snickers bar. You're telling me now?
Brick: Well, you coming home reminded me I needed you to go out.
Frankie: Why didn't you tell me earlier?
Brick: Why didn't you come home earlier? Look, we can argue all night about whose fault it is.
Frankie: It's your fault. You think I don't notice you raising the volume?
Mike: Yell quieter, and I won't have to.
Frankie: When's it due? [Brick is stumped] Come on! Stop with the volume.
Mike: All in your hands.
Brick: In my defense, I've only known about it for three weeks.

Frankie: Brick, next year, you're gonna be in high school. You can't keep going through life expecting people to bail you out at the last... Nancy Donahue.
Brick: Yes, let's make her get it.
Frankie: No, no, no. She gave me her code so we can order stuff and have it delivered overnight for free.
Mike: Are you so lazy, you're gonna order one package of paper instead of just going to get it?
Frankie: You want to go to Office Depot?
Mike: He asked you.

Mike: Boy, your mom wasn't kidding when she said we're on our own for lunch. We got, uh, Tang, three bags of bread heels, and an open packet of onion soup.

Brick: Oh, my gosh! Apparently... and I hope I'm reading this right... I have been chosen to rate my recent online purchase of Emerson Wales graph paper. Me! I've been chosen. This is huge.
Mike: What do you want to eat?
Brick: Did you not hear what I just said? Everything's changed. I don't have time for lunch.

Mike: What are you talking about?
Axl: Quitting football.
Mike: What?
Axl: Well, it's just, I'm not gonna play pro ball anyway.
Brick: It's true. I have always felt he has more of a dancer's body.

Mike: Look, you always get this way in the spring. As soon as the season starts, you're gonna feel different. The smell of the leaves, the crack of the pads. If you didn't do it, you would miss it. Plus, all the seniors are gonna be graduating. That'll mean more playing time for you.
Axl: No, it won't. The new freshmen are big and fast. There's this guy, Taco... He's enormous. Tacos should fit in your hand and be delicious. This guy could kill me. I can't even eat tacos anymore. It's part of the reason I'm so hungry.