Axl: Oh, God. I can't afford to lose the Donahues. They feed me real food. They taught me how to brush my teeth. If I lose that family, I've only got this family.

Frankie: [v.o.] Ever since Indiana got the Super Bowl, the whole state's been rolling out the red carpet. We opened a brand-new stadium, recruited an army of hospitality volunteers. Heck, I even knitted a scarf.
Frankie: Ta-da. Hmm? What do you think?
Mike: I think if that's for the Super Bowl, I don't want to hear about it. And what are you even doing all this for? You barely care about football.
Frankie: I was paying my dues, Mike, so that me and my official volunteer scarf will be given a plum assignment at the game. I have never been a part of anything this big. It's exciting, Mike. Come on. Get excited.
Mike: No. Four years I've been waiting to see my team win the championship on our home field, only to have the rug yanked out from under me by Peyton Manning's stupid neck. God's obviously not a Colts fan, and I'm starting to think he's not much of a Mike fan either.
Frankie: Well, I'm not letting you turn my Super Bowl into a.... Grincher Bowl. No, wait. Scrooger Bowl?

Mike: Where are you going? Don't leave me alone with Sue and Wrestling Matt. [chuckles] "Wrestling Matt." You hear what I just did?
Frankie: Axl made that joke two weeks ago. Listen to this crap. Now I gotta go pick up parking cones and road flares at some warehouse in God knows where.
Mike: Hmm. I'm not sure if it's the hops or your voice, but I'm tasting a whole lot of bitterness. What happened, Frankie? I thought the eyes of the world are gonna be on you.
Frankie: Not in French Lick, they're not. I mean, I don't get it. You'd think they'd want to put the people who are a little more presentable up front where the world can see them. I mean, I'm charming. Am I not charming? Why aren't you saying I'm charming?
Mike: Oh, yeah. It's like I'm getting sprayed with spit by a princess.
Frankie: You should see the guy who's escorting the VIPs. I'm just saying, stick the uggos in French Lick, and save the money for the stadium. Ugh! I hate the Super Bowl.
Mike: Welcome.

Frankie: [v.o.] I'd love to say I only used the Donahues' Passat just that once, but we're not like the Donahues. We don't have anything nice, and after a leaky roof and a dishwasher that didn't work, I was weak, okay? I know it was wrong, but I needed this, damn it. What I didn't know is others were sneaking around needing it, too.
Female Voice: Please enter your destination.
Brick: The Eiffel Tower.
Female Voice: Would you like to allow tunnels and ferries?
Brick: Sure.
Female Voice: Calculating route.

Sue: Oh, God. I was just practicing. I never wanted to drive it! Wait. I.P.D.E. Identify: I'm too far past the driveway, and I'm not comfortable driving in reverse. Predict: If I don't put the car back, Mom will find out, and I will never get my license, and I will never go on a life-defining road trip with three of my closest friends! Decide: I'll drive around the block until I'm back at the driveway. Execute: Executing.

Sue: The only thing that got me home safe was what Matt, my boyfriend, taught me. It's crazy, huh? I mean, if I had died right then, the last words I would have said to Matt, who's my boyfriend, were "Good ham." That makes me so sad.
Becky: Because it wasn't good ham?
Sue: No, it was really good ham, but isn't it kinda scary to think that anything you say to anyone could be the last thing you ever say to them? If I had died in that car, he never would have known how I really felt about him.
Ruth: I don't have to worry about that stuff. I've already been assigned a boy.
Sue: Well, I have faced death, and I now have the courage to do what I should have done weeks ago. That's it. I am gonna tell Matt, my boyfriend, I love him.

Frankie: [v.o.] Look, I'm not proud of myself, but for some reason, I just kept driving their sweet ride. See, my own car reeked of old milk and stale fries, but now, deep in the bosom of German engineering, I don't know. I felt in control of my own destiny, more vibrant, more alive. It filled me with a confidence I didn't know I had.
Frankie: Here's the thing, Liz. The eyes of the world are gonna be on us. You want to put your best foot forward. Me in French Lick is not your best foot. I'm not French Lick. I'm... "Welcome to the Super Bowl, Mr. Gorbachev. Right this way to the 50-yard line."
Liz: Hmm. I see a fire in your eye, and I like that. Tell you what. I'll shuffle some people around and get back to you with a stadium assignment.
Frankie: Thanks. You do that. [car engine starts]

[When the car engine starts, every single Heck checks their pockets for the keys]
Frankie: Okay, wait. Yes, I drove the Passat, but I was asked to look after it, so technically, I'm its legal guardian. Why were you all checking your pockets?
Brick: Axl definitely did not use it to go get chicken.
Axl: Hey!
Brick: Sorry. I saw the bucket in the car... When I was not in there.
Sue: I drove it, too. I'm so sorry! I was just using it to study, and before I knew it, I was breaking so many laws and risking so many lives, but don't worry. You don't have to punish me. I've already been punished by love.
Mike: You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Frankie: Hey, you checked your pockets, too.
Mike: So I took a few naps in it. Back off.
Frankie: Oh, my God. This is crazy. Look at us. We're taking the Donahues' Passat, lying to each other, sneaking around. We can't keep doing this. We have to make a schedule.

Frankie: Oh, my God. This is more than just one trip for chicken! All right. Why are there Long Johns and a moldy juice pitcher in the car, huh? Okay, you know what? We do get nice things, but as soon as we do, we Heck it up! That's what we do. We take nice things and we Heck 'em up!
Mike: Well, we got five minutes to de-heck the Donahues' car, so move it!

Sue: It's official, everybody! We're in love. [screams]
Axl: Look, we can all puke about it later. Just keep cleaning!
Brick: It still smells like gravy in here. [whispers] Gravy.