Rusty: Dad's all better now.
Big Mike: Yeah.
Rusty: He pooped! [laughs]
Mike: You what?
Big Mike: Yeah, the darndest thing is something was gumming up the works. So don't go eyeballing my microwaves. I've still got a few miles left on me.
Mike: So, you're perfectly fine? You went to the john, and now you have no trouble walking at all?
Big Mike: Feel better than ever. [dances] [chuckles] Just like I told you, son. You don't have to worry about me. When the time comes, I'll just walk out into the woods, lie down, and die.

Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike finally went to ask his dad to Thanksgiving. Which sounds easier than it is, because Big Mike's kind of a hoarder who doesn't like to leave his house. Maybe because he's got too much pride to accept an invitation. Or maybe because there's too much crap blocking the door.
Mike: [knocks] I know you're home, Dad. Montgomery Ward went out of business 10 years ago.
Big Mike: That's good to know. [replaces the "Gone to Montgomery Ward. Back in 5." Post-It on his door with one reading "Gone to Circuit City. Back in 5 min."]
Mike: So Thanksgiving is coming up.
Big Mike: Is it, now? Oh, well, the calendar says it's today.
Mike: Yeah. Well, the calendar is 4 years old, Dad.

Mike: Anyway, Frankie is putting together a nice dinner. You should come.
Big Mike: I don't wanna be a bother.
Mike: You're not a bother, Dad.
Big Mike: Don't go making turkey on my account.
Mike: We're making it, anyway. All of America is.
Big Mike: Well, if I come, you'll just have to get another chair out of the garage. All that hassle.
Mike: Okay, Dad. We're eating at 4. Come if you want, don't if you don't.
Big Mike: That's not much of an invite, is it?

Mike: When was I supposed to know this? I only found out 'cause I went by the house to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, no. You don't want an old man with a broken hip at your Thanksgiving.
Mike: That's true, but my wife does. Please, Dad. Please, please, please come to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: It's not a choice, Dad. The nurses say you gotta be discharged tomorrow, and they can't let you go home alone. Don't worry. We got TV and crummy food at our house, too.
Big Mike: You don't exactly roll out the red carpet, do you?

Big Mike: I've always been partial to this spot. This is where I asked your mom to marry me.
Mike: That's a great story, Dad, but what the hell's happening?
Axl: Yeah, Grandpa, are you sick?
Big Mike: Not yet, but it's just a matter of time. I'm sure the next few years are not going to be pretty, why belabor it? I'd rather just lie down, be covered by a blanket of snow, and just drift away.
Brick: But what if you're still alive in the morning?
Big Mike: Well, then, the next night'll get me for sure. Be a good boy and gather some leaves, make a death-pillow for Grandpa.

Mike: Dad.
Big Mike: Son.
Mike: They told me at the desk you broke your hip three weeks ago. Why the hell didn't you call me?
Big Mike: Do you fix hips?
Mike: I live 15 minutes away. You don't think I want to know when my dad goes into the hospital?
Big Mike: Oh, you got your own concerns. I was fine. I-I dragged myself on my belly from the yard into the house, knocked the telephone onto the floor, and dialed with my face. [chuckles]

Sue: Hey, Grandpa Big Mike.
Big Mike: What are you doing here?
Sue: Did you get my message about my parents' anniversary party?
Big Mike: Oh, I doubt it. None of my answering machines are working.
Sue: Oh, well, it's next Tuesday, and there's gonna be tons of speeches and toasts and stuff, and I was wondering if you might have some stories about them that you'd like to share?
Big Mike: No, thanks.
Sue: Really? What about the first time you met my mom?
Big Mike: Well... [clicks teeth] She seemed nice enough, and I said, "Are you really going to marry this guy?" And she said, "Yeah." And I said, "All right." [Sue chuckles] You looking for more?
Frankie: [v.o.] She was, but she wasn't getting it from Big Mike.

Big Mike: They were having a contest...
Frankie: [v.o.] 100 miles later and Big Mike was still talking.
Big Mike: ...and I was the only one in the county who could swim across the whole river and back. And that's how I won my first ribbon.
Mike: Who put a quarter in you?
Brick: A quarter? If you put a quarter in someone nowadays, it would have to be at least $1.25.
Axl: Sad, but true, Brick.
Big Mike: Here's another good one. When Michael was just a baby, he wouldn't stop crying. And he cried so hard that no sound would come out. [muted] Bwah. [normal voice] He was one whiny baby.
Mike: Okay, get on with the story.
Big Mike: Your mom had what these days would be called "postnatal depression". But back then we just called it having a spell. So your Aunt Violet rode over on her tractor to look after you during the night. And I gave your mom a little vodka and took her off to the church social. The band played and I asked her to dance. And it became our special song. [sings] On a clear day Rise and look around you And you'll see who you are On a... [talks] Oh, there it is! There's the tree. You can pull over now. I want you to leave me here to die.

Mike: Come on, this is nuts. Aside from being you, you've got it pretty good. You got a million reasons to live.
Big Mike: Like what?
Mike: [sighs] Well, all those malls are closing down. Those clothing racks have got to go somewhere.
Big Mike: That's tempting, but you should have said something months ago. I'm already in the dying mood.
Mike: Why, Dad? You're completely fine.
Big Mike: Well, I already had you drive me up here. We kind of put this whole thing in motion. I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: You don't want to be a bother? Well, actually, Dad, if you die, I got to buy a coffin, I got to arrange a funeral, call all the relatives, think of something to write on your tombstone. Not to mention that it's the middle of the winter. We're going to have to store you someplace 'til the spring when the ground thaws. That's all going to be a big pain in the butt.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother. What are you standing around for, boys? Help me up.
Axl: [to Brick] We don't have a chance in hell of being normal.

Mike: Hey, Dad. What're you doing?
Big Mike: Just listening to the game.
Mike: Drove across town for that?
Big Mike: Reception is better over here. Plus, I heard someone threw a bread maker out in this neighborhood.
Mike: Well, long as you're here, you might as well come in. We're barbecuing a whole turkey.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't wanna be a bother.
Mike: You're not a bother, Dad. I want you to come in. [Big Mike is silent] Please, I'm begging you. Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without you. We wouldn't know what to do if you didn't come.
Frankie: [v.o.] Yup. No stopping tradition.
Big Mike: [removes a cassette] Guess I can listen to this inside.