223. The Bridge
Aired May 18, 2011
Frankie and Mike set out to help Brick overcome his fear of crossing a bridge. Axl tries for a lifeguard job and goes up against Sean Donahue. Meanwhile, Frankie helps Sue shop for a two-piece bathing suite ahead of the community pool's opening day.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of? What do you think is gonna happen?
Brick: We drive onto the bridge, and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound. The bridge collapses, and the car is thrown into the lake. It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin. We struggle to get out, but underwater no one can hear our screams. We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies. Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months, but when they're finally dragged out of the lake, they're unrecognizable, because fish have eaten out our eyeballs. [whispers] Eyeballs.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] So maybe I didn't get Sue, but I did get Brick. I pushed him out of my body. I could push him over that bridge.
Frankie: All right. Let's not even think about crossing the bridge right now. Let's just get to know the bridge, and don't worry. We'll go at your pace. You take all the time you need.
[later, Frankie stands in the middle of the bridge while Brick remains on land:]
Frankie: It's been two hours! You are going to cross this bridge right now! Right now!
[later, Frankie sits on the hood of the car as Brick stands next to it:]
Frankie: All the cool kids are doing it. Come on, Brick. Don't you wanna be cool?
[later, Frankie bends down to talk to Brick at eye level:]
Frankie: You know, your dad may not think you can handle this, but I do. You're a big boy. You're practically an adult.
Frankie: What are you, a baby? A wittle, wittle baby?
Frankie: [cries] I'm sorry. I'm a horrible mother!
Quote from Axl
Axl: Guys, seriously, I'm trying to study. This is, like, my entire career. It starts with lifeguard. Then I graduate to beach lifeguard, then Hawaiian tropic judge, then rapper, so if you want a shout-out at the Grammys, keep it down!
Quote from Frankie
Sue: Thank you so much for this! This is, like, the best day of my life.
Frankie: Well, I hope not. All right. Now go and try those on.
Girl: [o.s.] Okay. I hate all of these suits you picked out, Mom! Why did you even come?!
Mom: You think this is fun for me?! This is not fun for me! Just pick out a damn suit!
Girl: [o.s.] Ugh!
Frankie: How's it going in there, honey? Here, let me see.
Sue: [o.s.] Don't come in! Everything makes me look horrible! How long have I looked this way? Oh, my God. This one's even worse! Did you pick this out?!
Frankie: [v.o.] 20 suits and an hour and a half later, she was even more out of her mind.
Sue: [o.s.] Ugh! These all make my knees look knobby! These are your knees, mom! Did you have to give me such stupid knees?!
Frankie: [v.o.] I knew not to take it personally. All I could do was support her and tell her she's beautiful, but since by that point, I was also out of my mind, I said...
Frankie: Do you think this is fun for me? This is not fun for me! Just pick out a damn suit! [to a mother and daughter who just walked in] Oh. Don't judge. I'm you in ten minutes.
Quote from Frankie
Sue: [o.s.] Ugh! This one is ugly, too! Why didn't you ever tell me I look awful in pink?!
Frankie: Sue, you look beautiful in pink! Just let me see.
Sue: [o.s.] No! Stay out!
Frankie: How am I supposed to help you if you won't even let me see? [looks under the door] What are you talking about?! That suit's adorable on you!
Sue: [o.s.] You're just saying that because you're my mom! You just don't get it!
Frankie: Okay, stop right there. I don't get it? Um, I may not get a lot of things, but I get this. Women all over the world get this. Sorry to break it to you, but trying on swimsuits is a depressing, soul-killing rite of passage for all women. There are even entire comic strips devoted to it. What do you think Cathy has been acking about all these years? I don't even put on a swimsuit without at least two margaritas in me, so you just be happy that you're a cute 14-year-old looking for her first bikini, instead of a woman who's had three kids throwing away a mortgage payment on some miracle suit made with NASA Teflon material that shaves off 10 pounds, when all it really does is push it all out your back, so I get it, Sue. I get it. You hate your body. Well, congratulations. Today you are a woman.
Saleswoman: Knock, knock. How's it going in there? [Sue opens the dressing room door] Oh. That's adorable on you! You look good in pink.
Sue: [o.s.] Really?
Quote from Mike
Mike: Okay. Here we go. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. You're gonna thank me later.
Brick: If you do this, I'll never be able to trust you again.
Frankie: [v.o.] And just like that, Mike found himself in the spot I was in not so long ago.
Mike: Look, I'm not gonna play games like your mom did.
Mike: This is one of your favorites, right? [tosses Brick's book onto the bridge] You want it? Go get it. [Brick folds his arms] All right. I'm not gonna force you to go across the bridge before you're ready, okay?
Mike: Get in the car! We're going over that bridge right now! I don't care if you're ready or not!
Mike: I'm sorry, buddy. I was wrong to try to force you. We'll wait until you're ready. You take as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere.
[later, Mike is in the car on the opposite end of the bridge:]
Mike: I'm leaving! I'm leaving right now! You'd better get over here! [drives off]
Mike: 10 bucks. Easiest money you'll ever make.
Mike: How about ice cream?
Mike: No more ice cream for the rest of your life! How about that?!
[later, Mike and Brick arrive home:]
Mike: Man, that kid is stubborn.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [blows whistle] Hey! No running! How many times have I gotta tell you?! You think I like yelling?! I don't wanna have to say it again! [groans]
Frankie: Hi, honey. How's it going?
Axl: Oh, my God. It's horrible! Kids are running everywhere, and I'm responsible for 'em, so if they fall down, I gotta get 'em a Band-Aid. If they make a mess, I gotta clean it up. I'm constantly yelling at 'em, but do they listen? No! You have no idea what it's like.
Frankie: Oh, I might have some idea.
Quote from Mike
Mike: 60 bucks for speeding. That is officially the most expensive bargain meal I ever had.
Frankie: But did you see how many pumps of cheese I put on my potato? I think we broke even.
Mike: This is nuts. Everybody else just drives over the bridge to the mall. We gotta go ten minutes out of our way. I mean, I know our time isn't worth anything, but still.
Frankie: He's afraid. What are you gonna do?
Mike: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna stop letting our 9-year-old hold us hostage. Next time we're out there, we drive over the bridge. End of story. He'll be fine.
Frankie: Or he'll be scarred for life.
Mike: 50/50 shot. I like those odds.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Guess what? The pool is opening a week early this Saturday and Carly and I are gonna go.
Frankie: Oh, Saturday? We're celebrating aunt Edie's birthday Saturday.
Sue: What?! No!
Frankie: [v.o.] Since she had turned 14, certain changes in brain chemistry had caused Sue to occasionally place extreme importance on... Let's face it, the stupidest things.
Sue: You just don't get it!
Mike: Yeah... We only got 60 days to mail this thing. I'd better walk it down to the post office myself.
Sue: I have to be there on opening day. This is the most important thing in the world to me. More important than saving the whales, more important than cross-country! If I could go back in time and unsee the Justin Bieber movie to get this, I would! That's how important it is to me! If I don't get to go, I'll die!
Frankie: Well, we don't want you to die, so I'll just have to reschedule Aunt Edie's birthday. Not that she'll know the difference.
Sue: Whew. Thank God. [phone rings] That's for me! It's Carly!
Quote from Axl
Frankie: Hey, where are you going?
Axl: Jack Webber ran over his foot with a lawn mower! There's a lifeguard position open at the pool!
Frankie: Since when do you want to be a lifeguard?
Axl: Hot chicks, bikinis, high angle. Do the math.