705. Land of the Lost
Aired October 21, 2015
Frankie is worried about Mike, who is being even more quiet and distant than usual. Sue invites Brick to spend the weekend with her at college. Meanwhile, Axl and Hutch take matters into their own hands when they get fed up of their ant-infested house.
Quote from Reverend TimTom
[Reverend TimTom is playing a ukulele as Mike tries to read the newspaper]
Reverend TimTom: I hope you don't mind. I haven't picked one of these up since the Lord's luau for leprosy.
I saw it lying there and thought I'd play a little. [plays and sings] Oh, Jesus never got to have no midlife crisis No sports car, hair plugs, young blonde wiveses Never traded his robes for tight jeans one day He never quit his job to go write a screenplay Oh, Jesus never got to have no midlife crisis No tattoos, veneers, Botox around the eyeses He never showed up with his hair and beard dyed Never got the chance 'cause at only 33 He was crucified Oh, Jesus never... [Mike reaches out and stops Reverend TimTom]
Mike: Look, I-I-I appreciate the effort, and I get you had to drive over here and everything, but this is not... It's just not. Good luck with the rummage sale. [walks off]
Frankie: [sighs] Look, you were great. Just a little off tonight. I mean, Mike's tough. It was a hard one.
Reverend TimTom: I just think if I had my guitar, I could have done it. The gravity of the message... It doesn't [strums note] come across on the ukulele. Can I come back tomorrow and take another crack?
Frankie: Nope, nope, nope, nope. It's done. We had a window, and we just didn't hit it. But, uh, don't worry. I'll use you again. Have a good night.
Quote from Mike
Mike: You're turning 50.
Frankie: Wait, what?
Mike: Yeah, I know. It's just... I don't know. It's just bugging me.
Frankie: You're bugged that I'm turning 50?
Mike: Your birthday's coming up, and suddenly, it just hit me... I'm gonna be married to a 50-year-old woman.
Frankie: Oh, my God. Seriously? You turned 50 over a year ago.
Mike: Yeah, it didn't bug me the same way.
Frankie: Really, Mike? Really? You're stealing my midlife crisis. So, what, you want to have an affair? Hmm? You want a new wife now? Is that it?
Mike: No. You're... fine. But this isn't about you. This is about us getting old. Hell, I read that Fonzie is turning 70. What kind of world do we live in where the Fonz is 70?
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, we run on hope. We hope for a mild winter. We hope George Clooney will stop making serious movies and do a nice romantic comedy. And sometimes we do something so crazy, it can only have been fueled by hope.
Frankie: I bought name-brand peas. I know it's a splurge, Mike, but they're not regular peas. They're hope peas.
Mike: Hope peas?
Frankie: Yep, it's a sign of my faith in our future. Ever since you and Rusty went into this diaper thing together, I just feel like things could be turning around for us. Who knows? If things go well, we could be the King and Queen of novelty baby products.
Mike: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Your Majesty.
Frankie: [sighs] Wait. Don't tell me things are not going well, 'cause I also got takeout, and I super-sized the fries. I'm spending like a drunken sailor.
Quote from Brick
Sue: [on video chat] Hello, parentals. What's the haps?
Frankie: Hi, honey. Nothing much. We were just...
Sue: Yeah, sorry, I only have a minute, and I actually just called to talk to Brick. Are those name-brand peas?
Mike: Brick, your sister's on the thing.
Brick: Okay, yes, I did borrow that book that Mom gave you when you turned 13, but I just had a few questions that needed clarifying.
Sue: You what?
Quote from Sue
Brick: How's college?
Sue: [on video chat] Well, how would you like to find out for yourself? Because you are getting an all-expense-paid trip to East Indiana State! Ah! It's not actually all-expense-paid. I'm gonna need money for his food, Mom.
Brick: Hmm. Well, Cindy's parents are making her try out for volleyball this weekend, so I'm free.
Sue: Yay! We can go out for pizza. You can see where my classes are, meet my R.A.. But just so you know, Brick, there are all types of people here at college, so you might hear some music with explicit lyrics.
Brick: Uh, hello? I didn't hear the word "library" in there.
Sue: Yeah, that's because I was saving the best for last. They have a library here, Brick, with 52,000 books. You can request a book, and they will actually send it down to you in an elevator. It's a book elevator!
Brick: A book elevator? Hold on. I need a minute. I'm a little dizzy.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Hey. What you doing?
Frankie: Why don't you turn something on? It's weird. Are you okay? You seem like you're in kind of a strange mood.
Mike: It'll pass.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Uh, Brick, I don't think you're gonna need your branch of real cotton on your weekend with Sue.
Brick: Eh, I've still got a few days to decide. I'll put it in the "maybe" pile.
Frankie: Hey, let me ask you something. Does your Dad seem to be acting a little... odd lately? [Brick shakes his cotton branch and a maraca] Never mind. I'm asking the wrong guy.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Holy crap! Is that Logan? [gasps]
Brick: Who's Logan?
Sue: [hushed voice] Logan! The Abercrombie guy who asked me to prom, and then we had that magical night after I got sprayed with cheese.
Brick: Does not ring a bell.
Sue: I can't tell if it's him. Is it him? Brick, go see if it's him.
Brick: I've never met him. How do I know what he looks like?
Sue: He's dreamy. He's got washboard abs. You get lost in his eyes.
Brick: Oh, yeah. That's him.
Sue: Ugh, what is he doing here? I mean, yeah, we had a great time at prom, but then he went to Texas for the summer, and I texted him, but he never texted me back, which could be explained by bad cell service, 'cause I don't know what the service is like in Texas.
Quote from Axl
Hutch: These stupid ants are ruining our lives!
Axl: Well, it's not our fault. It's the landlords'. How many times have we complained to Derek and Andy about this dump, and nothing's been done?! There's gaps in the floors! The back door doesn't close all the way. That's how the ferret escaped.
Hutch: I can't even sleep upstairs with that leaky pipe, and the drips don't even happen evenly. They're like, "bloop... Bloop-bloop, bloop-bloop!" There's no rhythm to it. How am I supposed to sleep to that?
Axl: Well, it's gonna stop. We pay rent. We have rights. It's time we stopped complaining like a bunch of little boys and start demanding some changes around here! We are not gonna get treated like men until we start acting like men!
Hutch: You're damn right. I say we man up right now.
Axl: What are you doing? I'm writing a letter to our landlords telling them everything that's wrong with this place... On my Dad's stationery. No one likes to get yelled at by a dermatologist.
Axl: A letter? What is this, Downtown Abbey? That's not being a man. Being a man is calling. We're not gonna put some letter in the mail and wait days for a response. No, we are men! Men demand immediate results.
Hutch: I like results.
Axl: Yeah, and you know we're not getting any from Derek and Andy. You know what? They had their chance. Forget them. We're going over their heads. We're gonna call the city and report them 'cause that's what men do.
Hutch: I like being a man. I feel so powerful!
Quote from Axl
Axl: Welcome! Come in. Come in. Um, we don't have any more buckets or milk crates, so you might have to walk on some ants.
Landlord: Are you the guys who registered a complaint with the city?
Axl: Yes, we are the men who registered said complaint, yes. Thank you for coming out so expeditiously. We were very impressed with your response.
Axl: We have a lot of complaints. Hutch, the list.
Landlord: I'm not with the city. The city called me because I'm the landlord. I'm from KHB Property Management. We rented this house to Derek and Andy five years ago, and from the look of things, it would seem they've been illegally subletting to you.
Axl: Look, I don't know what you're implying here, but we have complete authority to live here. We've been putting $550 under a rock every month for like... over a year.
Landlord: First of all, the rent is $400.
Axl: Oh! Derek and Andy, not cool!