- Main Characters
- Big Mike
- Aunt Edie
- Nancy Donahue
- Reverend TimTom
- Mr. Ehlert
- Rita Glossner
- Sean Donahue
- Dr. Goodwin
Quote from The Bachelor
Sue: Whoo! What a game. I mean match. I learned that one halfway through. I have to replace my electrolytes. You are looking at the newest member of the Orson High tennis team.
Frankie: You made the tennis team?
Sue: Well, I didn't "make it," per se. The coach thought I was on the team. I tried to tell him that I wasn't, but then he realized that he didn't have enough players, so without me, they would have lost the match.
Mike: So you won?
Sue: Oh, God, no. On the last point, I hit what my coach called a "very weak lob," and my opponent hit what he called a "blistering overhead smash."
Frankie: Is that how you hurt your face?
Sue: No. A bird flew in the bus window on the way home. I never saw it coming. Beaks are sharp.
Quote from The Ditch
Frankie: [v.o.] Sue's ditch day wasn't exactly fun yet. But she knew as soon as she intercepted the call from the attendance office, she could really start living. Provided she stayed low to the ground and out of sight.
Sue: [answers phone] Hello?
Woman: This is the Orson High attendance office. May I speak to Frankie Heck, please?
Sue: [British accent] Yes, this is she! [whispers] Why am I British?
Woman: I'm just verifying that Sue Heck is home sick today.
Sue: [British accent] Oh, yes. She is quite sick. Sick as the Dickens, I'm afraid.
Woman: Well, please make sure she brings a note with a parent signature.
Sue: [British accent] A note?
Woman: Yes. It's a requirement anytime a student has been absent.
Sue: [British accent] Very well. A note. I'll add it to my shed-ule. Cheerio!
Quote from The College Tour
Sue: Hey, Dad... Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? There's a Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hmm, that's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Mike: I don't know. It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue. You're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why did you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American!
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: [sighs] Say, "I'm a native American."
Sue: I'm a native American. Oh! I hear it now. Well, what was I supposed to check? There was no other option that seemed right. It's not like we're "ca-kah-zee-an."
Mike: Actually, Sue, we are.
Sue: What?! Oh, my God, this is horrible! They're gonna think that I tried to pull one over on them, that I lied on my forms, and it says it's a felony to lie on those forms. Oh, my God! I committed a felony! [music box plays] [vomits]
Quote from Film, Friends and Fruit Pies
Mike: Hang on a sec. Where's all this money coming from?
Sue: Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money, and I popped all the quarters out of my 50 states collector's book, and I've been donating plasma. I'm not exactly sure what plasma is, and I don't know if you need it, but, from the way I've been feeling, I'm guessing you do.
Quote from The Final Four
Sue: Mom's gonna call Mrs. Siccola, and then she's gonna find out that we already called.
Brick: Don't panic. Here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna call Mrs. Siccola again and say I can come to the party. So when Mom calls and says I can't, it will all make sense.
Sue: Okay, good.
Woman: [on machine] Hello, you've reached the Siccolas. Please leave a message.
Sue: [on the phone] Hi there, Allison. Just calling to let you know that my son can come to the party after all. Thank you. [hangs up]
Brick: Who's your son? You didn't say who you were.
Sue: [gasps] [on the phone] Hi, forgot to say my name. It was Frances Heck letting you know Brick can't come to the party. [cut] He can. He can come to the party. At least for now. [cut] Not that we're expecting anything to happen. All signs are clear that he is coming. [cut] Did I say Axl? Because I meant Brick. You know, I just wanted to be accurate. Hello? Hello? [Brick pulls the phone cord out of the wall]
Quote from Friends, Lies and Videotape
Mike: Sue, I need to talk to you.
Mike: [sighs] Your mom and I found this ticket stub, and we are very disappointed...
Sue: I'm sorry! [sobs] I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. You were right. You were totally right! I'm not ready to see an R-rated movie! They said and did weird things. And then how could he sleep with his wife and then sleep with his wife's sister the next day? It was disgusting! And that's not even the worst of it! Mom's always telling me to just put one pump of butter on my popcorn, but I put three pumps 'cause I thought I could handle it! But I couldn't, Dad! I couldn't handle it! I threw up on the theater floor. Oh, God. How could I ever doubt you? [sobs]
Quote from Valentine's Day III
Frankie: Sue, are you okay?
Sue: No, not at all. All of a sudden, Matt's turned into the world's worst kisser.
Frankie: What do you mean?
Sue: Out of nowhere, he puts his- his tongue... Into... my mouth. Oh, my God. What is that? Who does that?
Sue: I can't help but feel bad for him. It's like he totally forgot how to kiss. I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing? What should I do? I mean, I don't want to embarrass him, but he has to be told. [gasps] Wait. I think I saw something on kickinitteenstyle.com on how to tell your boyfriend he's a bad kisser. I'm gonna go check it out.
Frankie: [v.o.] I really need to talk to Sue more.
Quote from Last Whiff of Summer
Sue: Dad, I know you're aware that since the incident at the drive-in, I've kinda been freezing you out.
Sue: I guess I just sorta felt like Serpico when his toymaker friend betrayed him, you know, before the pogrom guys burned down the wedding.
Mike: Again, three separate movies.
Quote from Last Whiff of Summer
Sue: You know, Dad, I'm not surprised you wanted to drive together so you could talk to me alone.
Mike: What are you talking about? I had to stop at work first, and you said you wanted to come with me.
Sue: I get it. I've been out of control. I'm sure you're very disappointed in my behavior.
Mike: Well, you've been sort of annoying with that scrapbook.
Sue: No, it's good you're intervening now, 'cause I am at a crucial point in my life where I could go either way. I mean, I stopped taking my multivitamins, so I don't know where that's gonna lead. Yep. Probably got a lot of attention headed my way, and not the good kind. [Mike turns the radio onto a sports game] I've done some bad things, dad. Bad things. Yesterday I was at a health fair, and there was a booth with a basket of chapstick, and I took one. Maybe they weren't even free. I don't know. They could've been for sale, and I just shoplifted. Whatevs. Oh, God. [vomits out the window]
Quote from The Hose
Mike: Hey. So I was just wondering, who exactly decided you couldn't go on this trip?
Sue: I saw your paycheck, okay? [gasps] I am so, so sorry. It was just sitting there on the desk, a-and they didn't lick the sticky part, so it was open, and I looked, and I saw how much you make, and my trip costs too much money. I don't wanna go!
Mike: What? Sue, what are you talking about?
Sue: I know you don't get paid a lot of money. A-and I am a horrible person because I am always asking for stuff, and Mom doesn't have a job, and you work all the time, and our TV has a weird, squiggly line down the middle. But just last week, I had Mom buy me a "Girls Rule the World" pencil case. I am so selfish!
Mike: Sue, you're not selfish. You're a normal kid.
Sue: But I already know girls rule the world. So do I really need to read it on a pencil case? It's like I am just throwing money away!