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Role of a Lifetime

‘Role of a Lifetime’

Season 9, Episode 5 -  Aired October 31, 2017

After Frankie and Mike realize it is their 25th wedding anniversary, Mike asks Sue to take care of everything: dinners, flowers, gifts. When Sue doesn't get any help from her brothers, she decides she is fed up of always being put on. After Sue calls a family meeting to air her grievances, soon all the Hecks are resisting playing their usual roles. Meanwhile, Axl tries to invent a new beverage mixing beer and wine, and Brick plays the field and tries to find a new girlfriend after breaking up with Cindy.

Quote from Brick

Brick: You're not gonna believe this. Today, in the hall between third and fourth period, I saw Cindy... hatless. Hatless! That's not a tic. I'm just repeating it for emphasis. [whispers] Emphasis. Damn it.


Quote from Brick

Brick: You think my role in the family is being nothing? Well... you are correct.
Frankie: Wait, what?
Brick: That's right. I demand nothing. I'm the cactus that grows without the water of attention. I didn't need braces, I have no after-school activities that require your attendance, I don't burden you with worrying about me staying out too late with "friends."
Mike: He's got a point there.
Brick: My role as the unnoticed is perhaps the most important one in the family. Because I ask for nothing, you guys don't have to do anything. You don't have to thank me. I just appreciate you hearing me out.

Quote from Frankie

Brick: Hey, while we're airing dirty laundry, which I'm wearing, by the way, I've worn the same outfit for three weeks.
Frankie: Hey, buzz, buzz! You think you have it bad? I have to be the beacon of hope for this family. I have to make sure everyone's emotional needs are met. And, by the way, if it weren't for me, we wouldn't even have a family to have a family meeting about, 'cause I pushed every single one of you out of my body! [all groan] That's right. I gave you life!
Axl: Yeah, you gave us this life! Not exactly something to brag about. [overlapping bickering]

Quote from Axl

Axl: Let me ask you something. You ever order a glass of wine and think, "Hmm, I could really go for a nice thirst-quenching beer"? Or drinking a beer and think, "Hmm, wine would really add some class to these nachos"? Well, now you don't have to choose, 'cause I've solved that age-old question. Allow me to introduce you to the latest in taste sensation... Bwine!
Frankie: Bwine?
Axl: That's right. Beer plus wine equals Bwine. It was either that or "Weer," but that sounds a little too much like "Weird," and that is just not good marketing. Business major.
Mike: Wait, you're actually planning to sell this stuff? As a beverage? To people?
Axl: Oh, not just this one. I have created several varieties of Bwine. I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout, a Caber-stout, a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay, a pale-ardonnay, and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.
Mike: Hm. Ahh... What's worse than bad?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know, maybe it just needs more wine. Or less wine. Or more sugar. Sugar helps with everything.
Axl: Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes. But once I lock them in, I'm taking these babies public. I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!
Mike: [sighs] Just don't go wasting my beer.
Axl: Oh, come on, please. I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines. I'm not gonna be using your Frugal Hoosier "dented but drinkables."

Quote from Brick

Brick: I just can't believe it. I'm the one who broke up with her. But she's the one who looks like she's moved on.
Frankie: Why, why, why in the world would you break up with her?
Brick: No, I'm sure I made the right decision. The problem is I haven't put myself out there. But that all changes right now. As of... 4:47 today, Brick Heck is officially playing the field. That's a sports thing, right, Dad?
Mike: Close enough.
Brick: I knew it was either that or farming. Anyway, if I'm gonna be entertaining the ladies, I'd best organize my Planet Nowhere figurines.
Frankie: Brick.
Mike: Just let him go.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: [v.o.] You know that expression, "Where there's a will, there's a way"? Well, Brick may have had the will to play the field, but he didn't necessarily have the way.
Brick: Hi, there. Brick Heck. I'm currently available for a relationship. Here's my résumé. Take one, pass it down. Peruse at your leisure. I'm a sophomore. That's right, a sophomore. I'm looking forward to the appropriate encounter.
[later, Brick approaches a girl as she sits by her locker:]
Brick: Hello. You seem alone and friendless.
[later, Brick stands outside the women's room:]
Brick: Hi, I noticed you were in there a while. Did you get your period in class, and you weren't prepared? I'm a good listener.

Quote from Brick

Brick: What's the meeting about? We're practically grown. I figured the next family meeting we'd be having would be to decide whether to pull the life support off of Mom or Dad.
Mike: You can pull it right now.

Quote from Sue

Sue: [clears throat] Well, I've just been thinking about something and, yeah, it's been festering a little bit. It just seems like when anything needs doing in this family, everyone comes to me. And I just smile and do everything for everybody, but...
Axl: [imitates buzzer] That is not family meeting-worthy. Thanks for playing.
Frankie: Uh, as I recall at the last family meeting, we voted four to one that you were not to make buzzer noises at anyone. Continue.
Sue: And the truth is, sometimes I like helping you guys, and I'm not saying I never want to do it. I just don't want it to be assumed that I'm the one person who does it all. Like, Dad. When you came to me and wanted me to get everything for your 25th anniversary, normally I...
Mike: Axl, buzzer. Buzzer.
Sue: ...wouldn't mind getting a gift and card and making reservations, but this time, I just sort of thought, "Should I really be doing this?" And, Axl and Brick, when I came to you guys for help, you just sat there like statues. Exactly! Exactly like that!
Axl: We help with stuff. I helped you clean your room once.
Sue: You threw all my books out the window!
Axl: [snickers] Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sue: When Brick says he has homework, who feeds Doris for him? I do. Or, like when Axl says I should clean the bathroom because I have the longest hair, which, by the way, is no longer true. I just feels like am Go-To-Sue, and I am wondering why? Why is that my role?

Quote from Brick

Brick: [plays sour note on French horn]
Mike: What the hell is that?
Frankie: Brick, stop it!
Brick: I'm sorry, I will not be stopping. From what I'm hearing, we're all gonna be unshackled from our roles. Therefore, I am no longer content to sit in the shadows. I want attention... and a lot of it. [plays sour note on French horn]
Mike: Where'd you get that thing?
Brick: In my quest for female companionship, I joined the orchestra. I actually joined a week ago, but no one bothered to ask why I've been staying late after school. But that's all about to change. I can't wait to share every fascinating detail of orchestra. And I have a...
Frankie: Don't say it!
Brick: Oh, I'm saying it. A concert next week, and I expect you all to be there! I have a lot of needs, and I expect them to be met. Tell me what song this sounds like.[plays sour note on French horn]
Mike: Brick, sorry, but if you're looking for encouragement, you're gonna have to dig down deep inside yourself to find the will to go on, 'cause your mom is out of the cheerleading business.
Brick: Uh, Dad? You're interrupting me. I don't think you should be interru...

Quote from Mike

Mike: Really? We've been in this thing 25 years?
Frankie: [scoffs] Don't say it like that.
Mike: Oh, well. Okay, so, what's the plan? Float it till there's a good coupon in the paper for the Fountain Room at Fountains?
Frankie: Mike, it's 25 years. We can't float this. It's too important. But we're gonna have to work around my mom. She's driving down Saturday so we can go to the mall. The last three stores are going out of business, and everything's 80% off.
Mike: Hey, maybe you can get yourself a present while you're there. I'm kidding! No getting your own present. We're doing it up big. The whole shebang... dinner, gifts... showering day-of.
Frankie: Day-of? Ooh. 25 years and he still wants to shower day-of. Lucky me.
Mike: Nothing's too good for my lady. Don't you worry. I'm gonna take care of everything.

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