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The Map

‘The Map’

Season 3, Episode 13 -  Aired January 11, 2012

After the Hecks attend Aunt Ginny's funeral, Frankie begins to think the family is missing out on the big moments. Meanwhile, Axl accidentally eats Brick's Indian dough map project, while Sue learns that one of the boys on the wrestling team has a crush on her.

Quote from Axl

Sue: That's creepy. How can you be sure your head will ever get put back on your right body?
Axl: If I were you, I'd want my head to be put on somebody else's body. Hey. That's a good idea. If you go before me, I'm gonna freeze your head and put it on a dude's body.
Sue: Mom!
Mike: Nobody's putting anyone's head on anyone else's body.
Sue: No, he will. He'll do it, and you won't be here, and you won't be able to stop him.
Frankie: Axl, promise you won't freeze your sister's head and put it on somebody else's body.
Axl: I don't know that I can make that promise.
Sue: See? You won't be here. You won't be able to enforce it!
Frankie: Fine. We'll put it in our will.


Quote from Aunt Edie

Frankie: Hey, Aunt Edie. Just so you know, we have a couple of interviews lined up for you this week, okay?
Aunt Edie: Oh, I just hope I get the job.
Frankie: Forget it.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: Look, Aunt Ginny lived a long, full life, and she died in her sleep, and I think we can all take comfort in that.
Brick: How is that comforting? I sleep every night. I'd be more comforted if she died in a hang gliding accident.
Mike: No, in your sleep is what you're shooting for. You just close your eyes and never wake up. You never even know.
Brick: You never even know?

Quote from Axl

Axl: Well, I'm never ending up in a place like that. I'll tell you that right now.
Mike: If you figure out how to avoid it, let us know.
Axl: Already did. I'm gonna be frozen.
Frankie: You're gonna be frozen?
Sue: Ew, Axl.
Axl: Relax. Not my whole body. I'm just gonna freeze my head.
Mike: You're not freezing your head.
Axl: What? Think about it. I'm pretty awesome. If I go, the world's gonna want me back, so I'll just freeze my head and then when they come up with a cure for whatever I died of, they'll unfreeze me.

Quote from Mike

Axl: [scoffs] You guys have a will?
Mike: Of course we do. We scribbled on a napkin, "If we die, Frankie's sister gets the kids." That's our will.
Axl: We don't listen to you guys when you're alive. What makes you think we're gonna pay attention to your death napkin?
Sue: [sings] La la la la la la la I don't want to talk about this
Frankie: Did we seriously not make a will? I thought we bought that Johnnie Cochran make-your-own-will floppy disk.
Brick: Then I don't have to live with Lucy? Just promise me I don't have to live with Lucy.
Mike: Don't worry. The bank will take the house, if they wait that long... And the rest of our vast holdings will be divided equally among our heirs.

Quote from Axl

Axl: I call their dresser.
Sue: Why do you get the dresser? You don't need a dresser. You're a head, remember? You don't have clothes!
Axl: Neither do you. You're a head on a dude's body.
Sue: Mom, he's gonna do it! I told you. He's still gonna freeze my head.
Brick: Don't worry, Sue. I'll be here. I'll make sure.
Sue: Thank you.
Axl: Unless you die in your sleep.

Quote from Axl

Axl: Okay, here are my top picks of the bereavement food. Lemon bars are wicked good. Macaroni salad was a solid 6, but whoever brought the giant cookie... Ugh. It was nasty. Ugh.
Brick: Axl! That wasn't a cookie. That was my Indiana dough map project for school.
Mike: Damn it, Axl. You ate your brother's project?
Axl: Well, why did he put it on the counter with the bereavement food?
Brick: I didn't. I put it on the counter, and people put the bereavement food around it.
Axl: Pfft. Whatever. I think I did you a favor, anyway. It needed sugar.
Frankie: It didn't have sugar, Axl, 'cause it wasn't food.

Quote from Frankie

Mike: Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you went over to Aunt Edie's.
Frankie: Please, Mike, can't you go today? I told her Aunt Ginny died six times this week, and I'm not proud of this, but the last time, just to shake it up, I told her it was a hang gliding accident.
Mike: Ugh. I just got home.
Frankie: Come on. It won't be that bad. It's like ripping a band-aid off and putting it back on again and ripping it off again and putting it back on.
Mike: She can't stay there alone, Frankie. We gotta figure somethin' out.
Frankie: I know. I know, so how does this sound? "Kind, responsible caregiver wanted to share lovely home with demented octogenarian who is old of body but young in spirit. Drinking and smoking a plus. Must be willing to diaper emphysemic dog and possibly others."
Mike: You're lucky the economy's in the toilet.

Quote from Axl

Frankie: Oh, I remember something else. She once met Patton.
Axl: She did? Wow. Cool. Very cool.
Mike: You have no idea who Patton is, do you?
Axl: Give me a hint.
Frankie: My God. That's pathetic. You're gonna graduate in a year, and you don't even know who Patton is?
Axl: Well, I could amaze you with some of the stuff I don't know.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: No, no. Nobody's stopping. People are gonna bring food over to the house anyway.
Brick: Why?
Frankie: Because when somebody dies, you're not supposed to cook.
Axl: Why not?
Frankie: 'Cause you're not supposed to cook when you're sad.
Brick: Are you sad all the time, Mom?
Frankie: Yes, but the point is, I'm especially sad today because Aunt Ginny died, and it's a sad day.
Axl: I thought we were happy because she died in her sleep.
Frankie: Yes, it's a happy, sad day, but we're grateful because she lived a long life and she's in a pretty place and she died in her sleep.
Brick: Can we please stop saying that?!

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