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‘Hoosier Maid’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: Hoosier Maid

811. Hoosier Maid

Aired January 10, 2017

Frankie is delighted when she wins a free maid service for an entire month. Meanwhile, Mike is concerned that his father, Big Mike (John Cullum), is struggling to take care of himself, so he talks to Rusty (Norm Macdonald) about their dad's future. Meanwhile, Axl, Hutch and Kenny need a new place to stay when the winter snow falls through the Winnebago's roof.

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: Now, listen. I got something that'll solve this whole deal. We send all the old people to war. We need somebody to fight the wars, and old people, they need something to do. They're gonna die soon anyway. This way, they go out with a real sense of purpose.
Mike: Yeah. We're not sending Dad to war.
Rusty: Well, I don't see any other option.
Mike: Really? You don't see any other option?
Rusty: Look, we'd all like to think peace would work, but I don't see it happening in our lifetime.

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Quote from Big Mike

Rusty: Dad's all better now.
Big Mike: Yeah.
Rusty: He pooped! [laughs]
Mike: You what?
Big Mike: Yeah, the darndest thing is something was gumming up the works. So don't go eyeballing my microwaves. I've still got a few miles left on me.
Mike: So, you're perfectly fine? You went to the john, and now you have no trouble walking at all?
Big Mike: Feel better than ever. [dances] [chuckles] Just like I told you, son. You don't have to worry about me. When the time comes, I'll just walk out into the woods, lie down, and die.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Oh, my God. This is life-changing.
Mike: What'd we win?
Frankie: Free maid service twice a week for a month.
Mike: And I let myself get a little bit excited.
Frankie: No, Mike, you don't get it. I have been fighting a losing battle with this house since we moved in, and now someone who is not me is gonna come in here and clean. I mean, our house is gonna have a pine scent at the end of the day, and not from someone spilling the bottle by accident.
Mike: Yeah, we're not doing it. I don't like the idea of some stranger poking around in my stuff.
Frankie: You listen now and you listen good. I'll get rid of you before I get rid of her.
Mike: Fine. Just don't get anybody friendly.

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: Well, I don't know, Mike. Dad's making a lot of good points.
Mike: He said, "No."
Rusty: [chuckles] You can't argue with that.
Mike: Yeah, you can! That's part of the plan, remember? I said, "Dad's not gonna take this well." United front. You're supposed to have my back on this.
Rusty: Oh, yeah? Well, you were supposed to have my back the time I stole the lawnmower and drove to the Dairy Queen, but you squealed to Mom like a little girl.
Mike: That was 40 years ago.
Rusty: Yeah? Well, it's like they say... "Vengeance is a dish best served after a really long time."

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: What happened here?
Brick: The new maid with the face tattoo came and pulled out all the appliances to clean them and then mumbled something about life being too short and left. [Frankie sighs] Uh, I-I wouldn't go back there, Mom. It's a hamster killing field. [Frankie sighs] I don't get it... We've been living like this ever since the Fergusons returned me. Why do you suddenly care so much?
Frankie: [sighs] Because, Brick... You think I like having a messy house? You think I feel good about what this says about me? I want to be one of those people who have spoon caddies, where all the spoons are stacked up like little spoon soldiers. Guess where my spoons are. Oh, look. Here's one. Propping up the microwave. Here's another one... still in the yogurt. [sighs] I'm only one cleaning person away from a whole different life, Brick. If I give up, then this is who I am. But as long as I'm trying there's still hope. I get it.
Brick: Well, let me help by taking care of my dirty plate. [garbage disposal grinding] [grinding stops] [holds bent spoon] Found another one.

Quote from Mike

Mike: Why do we even have a landline anymore?
Frankie: Mm, they say you should have one to call 911.
Mike: At this point if anything happens, don't bother calling 911. I just want to go.

Quote from Big Mike

Frankie: [v.o.] I figured if you're gonna have a maid, you got to have a good vacuum, so I sent Mike to the place with the biggest inventory at the best prices.
Mike: Hello? [enters] Hello? Hello? Dad? Dad? What happened to you?
Big Mike: Nothing happened.
Mike: Well, something happened. You're walking with a cane.
Big Mike: I know how I'm walking. What... What do you want?
Mike: Just came by to borrow a vacuum cleaner.
Big Mike: Oh, I-I'm not sure I can spare one at this juncture.
Mike: You got 15.
Big Mike: You counting my vacuum cleaners now?

Quote from Rusty

Mike: I'm telling you, he can barely walk.
Rusty: Man, to see such a strong man like Dad laid so low. It's like an emotional punch to the package. Oop!
[After Rusty pulls to the side of the road, a man gets in]
Mike: What's going on?
Rusty: You Bryan?
Bryan: Yes.
Rusty: Well, I'm your driver... Juan. And this is my brother... Lancelot. I learned it's best when they can't trace anything back to you. Now, where were we? Oh, right. Talking about our dying pop.
Mike: Well, he's not dying. And I'm not talking about it in front of Bryan.
Rusty: He's cool. He got four stars.

Quote from Frankie

Mike: What are you doing in Sue's room?
Frankie: Hiding from the maid.
Mike: Why? Is she friendly?
Frankie: No, I feel guilty. She's old, Mike. She should be retired. Clearly, she made some bad life choices.
Mike: Worse than us?
Frankie: Time will tell.

Quote from Mike

Big Mike: I am not going to a nursing home. Meebles Department Store is going out of business. I'm gonna try and get their jewelry display cases.
Mike: What... What does that have to do with anything?
Big Mike: You can get good money out of selling them.
Mike: Yeah. But that's the thing, Dad... You don't. You just keep stuff and you hoard and hoard. And now this place is one spark away from turning into a pile of ashes. And you couldn't walk out of here if you wanted to. Look, you're going someplace where they're gonna take care of you, whether you like it or not. And that's the end of the story.
Rusty: Well, Mike's also the one that put the two fingers in your birthday cake that time. Do you want me to go cut a switch for you, Dad? [Mike sighs]

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