621. Two of a Kind
Aired April 22, 2015
Frankie tries to patch up a long-lasting feud between her father, Tag (Jerry Van Dyke), and his brother, Dutch (Dick Van Dyke). Meanwhile, Sue receives detention for the first time and needs Axl's advice on how to survive.
Quote from Brick
Dutch: But, you know, back in my day, all you needed was an idea to go into business. Today, you need an idea and more degrees than a thermometer.
Brick: That's just crackers on butter.
Dutch: [chuckling] Exactly. What... crackers on what?
Brick: Butter. I decided to make up my own idiom. You see, normally, you put butter on crackers, but this is crackers on butter. It means something doesn't make any sense. I'm really hoping it catches on.
Dutch: That's great, Brick. You're an idea man.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Look, Mike, you know I've had a pain in my heart that my dad and his brother have had this rift. And now he's reaching out to him after all these years. You know I always say "you do for family." Well, do before they're dead. That's my new one.
Quote from Tag
Dutch: Come on, Tag. Let's show 'em what we got.
Tag: Can't. Mike's got to take a whiz, and he needs my help getting to the can. I mean, the guy's got a bladder like a spaghetti strainer.
Quote from Tag
Tag: We got to clear a whole path for him.
Brick: Hey, Dad. Grandpa's brother's coming over here.
Tag: I'll tell you why. 'Cause he's old and he thinks we're gonna die.
Mike: Okay. But why is he coming here? Frankie?
Frankie: W... look, my mom's out of town on her red hat society Riverboat Cruise, and Uncle Dutch is coming here 'cause...
Tag: He's coming here 'cause I don't want to be stuck in my house just me and him. My brother's not much of a talker. He's not a natural conversationalist, like me.
Mike: I like him already.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Axl, the worst thing that could ever happen to me has happened to me. I got detention.
Axl: Hm. What'd you do... over-decorate your locker?
Sue: No. Remember how you're not allowed to leave campus at lunch? Well, some kids were going to Arby's because they were serving beanies and weenies in the cafeteria that day, and I got busted.
Mr. Farrar: Did you guys sneak off campus? [Sue nods as all of her friends shake their heads]
Axl: Did I teach you nothing?! You always point to the person on your right.
Sue: Ugh. This isn't funny, Axl! I am gonna have a permanent black mark on my record. Plus, how am I supposed to tell Mom and Dad? How?!
Axl: Here's how you tell Mom and Dad. [snaps fingers]
Sue: What's that? Charades? [gasps] You think I should tell them in a game so they won't be so mad.
Axl: No. You're not gonna tell them at all.
Sue: What?! First, I'm breaking school bylaws, and now I'm withholding information from my parents. Who am I?!
Quote from Tag
Tag: Geez, I'm sorry I'm not helping, but this damn arthritis in my hip.
Mike: No need to explain why you're not helping, Tag. You set the bar pretty low.
Tag: Hey! Rug on a rug. That's like a deathtrap. And move that ottoman there. He'll trip right over that thing.
Dutch: [enters] Hello, Heck family. [chuckles] Uh-oh. Rug on a rug... that's a deathtrap. [scoots around the rug]
Frankie: Uncle Dutch! [both laugh]
Tag: Here's your cane, Mike.
Quote from Tag
Frankie: And this is my husband, Mike.
Tag: Mike, don't forget your cane. He's got a pain in his hip. Tell him, Mike.
Mike: [sighs] Yeah. I do. But, uh, lately, it's been moving a little farther south. Nice to finally meet you, Dutch.
Dutch: Likewise, Mike. I'm sorry it couldn't have been a little sooner. There is the guy I want to see. Get over here, buddy.
Tag: Ahh, you get over here. [both laugh] Standing and hugging is for strangers. Plus, I don't want to show Mike up with my great hip.
Quote from Brick
Dutch: Come on, Tag, we'll do a few bars, a few dance steps, and Bob's your Uncle.
Brick: Wait. We have another uncle in the family I don't know about? This is like a "secret family" episode of Dateline.
Dutch: No, son, it's an expression, like an idiom.
Brick: Oh! I love idioms. Actually, I have a whole book of them. Do you want me to go get it and I can read you some?
Frankie: Brick, he's here to sing and dance and reunite with his estranged brother, not to hear you read. Go ahead, guys.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Hey, Axl! Psst! There's been a development.
Axl: I know... you're getting uglier. I don't need an update. I'm looking right at you. [laughs]
Sue: [sighs] Okay. I just got an e-mail from the school. I didn't just get regular detention. I got Saturday detention.
Axl: Whoa! On a first violation... that is hard-core.
Sue: Yeah. They said 'cause school's ending soon, they're just throwing everyone in on a Saturday. That means I am gonna be in with the skateboarders, the girl with the black lipstick, people who wear t-shirts with offensive slogans.
Axl: Relax. I've done a few Saturday tours. Now, if you want to get out of there with both your eyebrows, [snaps fingers] Listen and learn. Okay. Number 1, do not bring that binder. Number 2, you're gonna want to buy some protection, so you want to load up on the snacks, you know? Goldfish, candy bars... Kit Kats, they're great 'cause you can break them up into fours.
Sue: And then I'll be okay?
Axl: Oh, no. No, no, no. I'll be amazed if you survive. But hey, at least your last meal will be candy.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Well, when you called me at work, you never mentioned this was gonna be a slumber party. Oh, wait. You never called me at work.
Frankie: All right, would you let it go already? The important thing is, my dad and his brother are reuniting.
Mike: I don't know what show you're watching, but I'm not getting the sense this thing's gonna have a happy ending. What are they even fighting about, anyway?
Frankie: Why can't I remember what it is? It doesn't matter. Look, what matters is that they're here now, and it's our job to facilitate the healing.
Mike: [sighs] I already got a lot of jobs, Frankie. And if I'm ranking them according to preference, facilitating the healing doesn't even make the list.
Frankie: You know what your problem is? You're a naysayer. People say things, and you "nay" them.
Mike: I'm not a naysayer. I'm a realist. Trust me... people don't change. Your problem is you're always holding on to hope. I'm telling you... once you let go of hope, it's very freeing.