- Main Characters
- Big Mike
- Aunt Edie
- Nancy Donahue
- Reverend TimTom
- Mr. Ehlert
- Rita Glossner
- Sean Donahue
- Dr. Goodwin
Quote from Valentine's Day IV
Sean: This is it? I thought you said Boss Co. would be in the black by now.
Darrin: Is black the good one or the bad one?
Axl: Look, we really ate it, trying to get that possum out of the garage. Between Darrin's stitches and the rabies shots, we got hosed.
Darrin: I can still see those pink eyes coming at me.
Axl: That's it, dudes. We're broke. And we can't lay anybody off, 'cause we're all bosses.
Darrin: How can we be so powerful and powerless at the same time?
Quote from Winners and Losers
Mike: So I understand you're interested in taking out Sue.
Darrin: Yes, sir.
Mike: I just wanna remind you that I work at a quarry, and I have access to dynamite.
Darrin: Yeah, I know. You have the coolest job.
Mike: I think you're missing what I'm saying here, Darrin. I'm saying if you're gonna go out with Sue, when you're with her, I want you to picture my face.
Darrin: No offense, sir, but that's sort of a mood killer. I really like her, sir, and I will treat her with the utmost respect, and I would never do anything to hurt her.
Mike: Ugh. All right. I guess, fine.
Darrin: Thanks, Mr. Heck. I really appreciate the vote of confidence. And I'm gonna take you up on that offer to come see the quarry.
Quote from Office Hours
Darrin: Listen, sir, I know that may have looked bad, but I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for your daughter. Well, not just her, but you, too. I mean, the reason I come here so much is because you make me feel so comfortable.
Mike: Then that's my fault if I've given you any impression that you should feel comfortable. Here's what you need to know about you and me. Think of it like a soccer game. You're a player. I'm the goalkeeper. You can't use your hands. I only play defense. I'm the world's best goalkeeper, and I'm gonna do everything I can to stop you. Bottom line... you will not be scoring on me. Got it?
Darrin: I understand what you're saying, sir. I guess I just want you to know that I care a lot about Sue and that I would never do anything to hurt her and that you can trust me.
Mike: [sighs] Here's all I need to know about you, Darrin you're 19 and a male. I will never trust you.
Darrin: Actually, I'm 20. I skipped a grade. That's the one where you repeat a year, right?
Mike: No, that's getting held back.
Darrin: Oh, yeah. That's the one I did.
Quote from Heck on a Hard Body
Darrin: Sue, how's it... Whoa!
Sue: Oh, does it look bad? I tried to pull the stinger out myself, but it's a little hard with just one hand.
Darrin: Here. Let me.
Sue: No! You can't touch me. I will get disqualified. But it is fine. I am sure my body is almost done absorbing all the poison, and then I will feel good as new.
Darrin: Sue, this is crazy. You can't do this.
Sue: No! It's all good! The-- the burning in my face is distracting me from the shooting pain down my arm. I'm gonna win this thing, Darrin.
Darrin: Yeah, but what if you don't?
Sue: I don't know the word "Don't."
Darrin: Oh. It means "Do not." They just put that little thingy in place of the "O." It's not short for "Donut." I learned that the hard way.
Quote from Valentine's Day III
Darrin: I can't decide between the time I helped deliver my baby sister at the carpet store, or the time I was pronounced dead for 2 minutes when I was 6. What do you guys like better?
Quote from The Clover
Darrin: Bro. You can't ask him to give up his date.
Axl: Oh, don't you dare "bro" me. Bros don't ask other bros' sisters to prom! [sighs] Everyone's got a date but me.
Darrin: Hey, you can always third-wheel with us. I'd have to run it by Sue, of course, but...
Quote from The Smile
Darrin: Hey, there's the Meenahans' house.
Axl: Oh. [laughs] You remember after they moved, we snuck into their yard and dared this guy to jump from their oak tree to their roof? I have never seen anyone hit a sidewalk that hard.
Sean: I remember that.
Axl: I'll never forget that.
Darrin: I don't remember that.
Quote from Hallelujah Hoedown
Sean: $147. Bam. That's it. That's enough to rent the Orson limo for prom.
Darrin: I rode in that when my grandma died. It was awesome. I rode the whole way to the cemetery out the sunroof.
Quote from The 100th
Axl: Okay, guys, been giving this a lot of thought. There's no telling when Orson's gonna have another centennial, so how's Boss Co. gonna make some cash off this thing?
Darrin: Hey, we could be those guys that put all the cones out for traffic and stuff.
Sean: Yeah, I think the city does that.
Darrin: We could pick up the garbage.
Sean: The city does that, too.
Darrin: Man, the city is screwing us.
Quote from The Walk
Darrin: I love books. Do you remember Pat The Bunny? You could feel the bunny.