Frankie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Mike?! They're gone! They're gone! Every picture we've taken for the last seven years is gone!
Mike: What are you talking about? You have backups, don't you?
Frankie: No, they were on the computer, and now they're gone! Listen, I keep hearing about a cloud. Do we have a cloud?
Mike: Just the black one over our heads.

Frankie: Oh, God, could I have thrown it away when we did that spring cleaning a couple years ago? That would be so typical of me! Other people have a system, and I don't have a system, and now it's gone!
Brick: Mom, it's not your fault.
Frankie: Yes, it is. This whole damn house is just a system failure. That computer has not been backed up for 67 weeks! I just kept hitting, "Remind me later." Everything here is "Remind me later." We live a "remind me later" life. Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?! I can't store pictures properly. I don't appreciate cat perfume from my children. I have got to do a better job!
Sue: It's okay, Mom! I found it! I found it! It was in the garage!
Frankie: Oh, thank God! [rummages through the box] Old People magazines? [wails] No! [cries] They're gone! [crying] Everything is gone! It's as if we never existed! Oh, sure, I kept two copies of the John Travolta Look Who's Talking edition but not our family memories!

Frankie: You know, ever since this fell in the toilet, it's running slow. Seriously, it's 6:00?
Mike: I checked the kitchen clock.
Frankie: Oh, that's the dog clock. It's always set an hour ahead so I can give Doris her flea medicine. She stays on central time. Trust me, it makes sense.
Sue: Uh, no, that's not ahead anymore, remember? You had me change it back because it kept making us early.
Frankie: So, what time does the microwave say?
Sue: Same as always. That one only always says 2:00.
Brick: No, you got to know how to read it. Just 1, 2, and 3 are 2:00. The sixes and zeros work, and the second time it flashes 2:00, it's really 4:00.
Frankie: Will someone just tell me what time it is?! Is it dog time or microwave time or toilet time?
Mike: Let's just get out the phone book and call time.
Frankie: Nobody calls time, grandpa. Nobody's called time since time started.

Brick: Oh, no! My Winds of War book! I took a picture of every page and uploaded it to the computer, and now you're telling me it's gone?!
Frankie: Why would you do that?
Brick: Well, I hadn't read it yet, and you guys are always on me about late library fees. It took me four solid days.
Mike: How many times have I said to print them out, Frankie? Just print them out.
Frankie: Gee, that's really helpful right now, Mike. Thanks!
Brick: Actually, it would've been nice to have a printed version of all the pages I took pictures of.
Mike: That's called a book.

Mike: Look, you only need six pictures in life, anyway... Born, first day of school, first car, married, first kid... Funeral.
Sue: What about second kid?
Brick: Or third?
Mike: Babies look like babies.

Sue: Come on, Axl. The whole family's doing it. If you're not in the picture, everybody is gonna think you're dead!
Axl: Good!
Sue: Ah! Commercial! Okay, come on, Hecks! Let's do this!
Sue: [singsong] I'll do your laundry.
Axl: No tagging... Facebook, not Instagram. I get final photo approval, and as for the laundry, I prefer fabric softener on anything that touches my business.

Brick: Why is dad looking down here? I should be covering everything 5 feet and below!
Frankie: Really, Mike?! I need you to look on top of the hutch, over the fridge... high places, high!

Sue: Brick, you're in, right? I can count on your support for my photo?
Brick: I'm thinking about it.
Sue: [singsong] I will drive you to the library three times.
Brick: 70.
Sue: 70? How did you get from 3 to 70?
Brick: 70.
Sue: Fine... 4.
Brick: 71.
Sue: Come on!
Brick: 72. 73.
Sue: Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine! 68, and that is my final offer.
Brick: Sold.

Brick: Well, since it's an iconic family Christmas photo, I assume you won't need me in it.
Frankie: We left you off of one Christmas card. You were a baby. We made it up to you. Move on.

Brick: Got to say, not sure why the gingerbread potato didn't fly. Nutmeg and chives are actually surprisingly good together.