Frankie: Axl is over at the Donahues'.
Mike: What?
Frankie: Yeah. He's over there playing Yahtzee with the whole family. I knew that was him I saw roaming around town. I can't believe he's been here for two days and he didn't come home. That lying, sneaky little jerk.
Mike: Did you tell him that?
Frankie: No, I was hiding in the bushes outside the window. Ooh! I am so mad, I can't even see straight.

Axl: Look, it's... not like I don't want you to be my mom or that I don't want to see you. It's just... you're kind of in my face a lot. [chuckles] I mean, when you were my age, didn't you parents bug you?
Frankie: Yeah, but my parents were annoying. [sighs] Listen, this is all new territory for me, too, Axl. Y-you're my first. I'm kind of flying blind here. So help me out. Tell me what you want.
Axl: I don't know. [sighs] You can ask me less questions. And when I call home, you can maybe try not to tell me some long story about some kid I was friends with in preschool who started a website. And you can stare at me less. Sometimes, I notice you staring at me for no reason.
Frankie: If I'm staring at you, it's because I think you have the most beautiful eyes and perfect rosy cheeks that you got from your great-grandmother, and I just... [voice breaking] love you so much.
Axl: Oh, come on, Mom. You're making this weird. Look... [sighs] I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Honestly, I really didn't mean to. From now on, I'll... try to tell you about more stuff that's going on in my life and try to stay at the neighbors' less when I come home. But you got to stop worrying about me so much.
Frankie: [sighs] Axl, I'm your mom. I'm never gonna stop worrying about you. But I'll try to be cooler about it. And I'll try not to bore you with my long stories on the phone. But I am gonna stare at you, all right? I just am.
Axl: Ugh.
Frankie: Hey. It's not like I'm going in your room and sniffing your pillow.
Axl: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: [v.o.] A hard day's work, it's the cornerstone of the American dream. Why do we do it? To keep us in our lavish lifestyles.
Frankie: Damn it. We're out of crackers. [Mike sighs] Tough day at the office?
Mike: Yeah. I got bad news from Corporate. They're making me take a paid vacation. They say it's mandatory some sort of... insurance issue.
Frankie: Oh, no. A paid vacation? Do you want to tell the kids or should I?
Mike: That's not funny. What am I gonna do? It's not like I can go anywhere.
Frankie: You don't have to go anywhere. You know, I heard that, these days, celebrities are taking what they call a staycation.
Mike: [scoffs] Yeah. I bet wherever they're staying is a hell of a lot nicer than this place. [sighs] I'm sorry. Look, I-I-I just don't like being forced to relax against my will.
Frankie: You know what? You're a weirdo. You're always talking about how Brick's a weirdo, but you're a weirdo, and that's where he gets it. No offense, Brick.
Brick: None taken. Whoop!

Frankie: So, I was at the Frugal Hoosier today. I saw a kid that looked exactly like Axl. I'm not kidding. He was a dead ringer. I almost went over and kissed him.
Mike: Easy, Frankie. You'll see him after spring break.
Frankie: Why does he have to go to Florida? What does Florida have that we don't?
Mike: Beaches, young people, hope.
Frankie: [sighs] I just miss him, Mike. I want to talk to him.
Mike: So call him. He's still up at school for a couple days.
Frankie: Mm. If I call him, he'll be all, "Oh, this is Axl. Leave a message after the beep." He does that sometimes, and I know it's not the machine.

Sue: [laughs] I love spring break so much! Some of my co-workers at the potato place are going on trips with their families, so I get to work double shifts the whole vacation!
Mike: Don't rub it in.
Sue: Oh! I'm gonna go tape up my new schedule.
Frankie: You know what? Both you guys are weird. Am I the only normal American that hates their job?

Frankie: [v.o.] So, after fixing the cabinet door and organizing his box of wire, Mike started to settle into the idea of vacation.
Frankie: Look at you, Mr. "I'm not gonna enjoy my vacation." So, what's on the docket for day number 1?
Mike: Uh, well, I think I'll finally re-watch the Colts Super Bowl, catch up on a little local news, then I might take a nap while my lady brings home the bacon. Seriously, can you bring home some bacon? I want to make a sandwich later.

Sue: Okay, that's 22 cents in the Disney World jar and 22 cents in the new-car jar. I can't believe I have a job where I get paid minimum wage and tips.

Brick: Good news. I found the coupons.
Mike: Uh, really?
Brick: Yeah. There was a bunch of them in the basement, some were in the garage, a couple were crumpled underneath your bed, and I found this one for Father's Day tangled up in the cords behind the TV.
Mike: Oh, good. You found all my special places.
Brick: Well, we've got a ton of coupons to get through. I don't know which one you want to start with. We might want to knock this one out for 100 hugs. [Brick punches a hole in the coupon]
Mike: Oh. All right.
Brick: One, two... three, four...
Mike: You know, that's a lot of hugging at once.
Brick: ...five...
Mike: maybe we could spread them out a little bit.

Axl: Surprise! I'm home!
Frankie: Are you, Axl? Are you home? So you just drove home straight from college?
Axl: Well, I, you know, made a few stops.
Frankie: Oh, did you? Did you stop at the Donahues' for two days? Yeah, that's right, Axl. I saw you. I saw you at the Frugal Hoosier. I wanted to kiss you, but I should've punched you.
Axl: Whoa! Take it easy. What's the big deal? Yeah, I decided to come home for a few days, but then I ran into Sean, and we ended up playing Xbox till like 4:00 in the morning. Then, in the morning, Mrs. Donahue was making these awesome blueberry pancakes, so I hung around for breakfast. And then we shot some hoops, so I stayed for dinner. And, I mean, I was totally gonna come home after that, but it was family game night. I didn't want to hurt Mrs. Donahue's feelings.
Frankie: What about my feelings? Did it ever occur to you to play family games with me?
Axl: Why would I do that?
Frankie: Because I'm your family!

Axl: Why are you so mad? I wasn't even supposed to come home. I was gonna go straight from school to Florida, but I thought it'd be cool to surprise you.
Frankie: And I would've been surprised if you'd come to our house instead of the neighbors'.
Axl: See? This is why I don't do anything nice.
Frankie: You didn't do anything nice!
Brick: Maybe I should give mom one of these hugs.
Mike: Probably not the right time.
Axl: You don't care if I'm hanging at college, so why do you care if I'm hanging at the Donahues'? I don't get why you're so mad.
Frankie: You know what, Axl? I'm- I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you would come all the way home and not want to spend time with your own family.
Axl: Why?! I'm not even supposed to be here! This is, like, bonus Axl time. You should be thanking me.
Frankie: Thank you, Axl. Thank you so much.