Frankie: Oh, is it hard? Is it too hard? I do it every day. And... silverware up, sharp knives down.
Axl: No. Oh! Daddy! Help me! She's a crazy person!
Mike: What's going on?
Frankie: He's 23 years old and living in our house... He should know how to load the dishwasher.
Mike: What do you mean? He's been loading the dishwasher for years.
Frankie: Yeah, and never correctly. He just throws everything in here like a big mess. That's why we have chipped bowls, our Tupperware is melted. The Spider-Man and Flintstone glasses rubbed against each other, so now we have no nice glasses for company. As long as he is living in this house, he's gonna learn to do things right. Don't you help him.
Axl: Ugh! [dishes clatter] My brain hurts. I need a break.
Frankie: Oh, fine. You can't take it, go cool off. And pick up your socks! For every stinky sock I find lying around there, I'm gonna leave a bra.

Man: So, the pay is bad, but I get my summers off.
Axl: Hmm.
Man: And what do you do?
Axl: Well, I kind of just retired.
Man: Really?
Axl: Yeah... From Olympic diving. Trained with Greg Louganis, maybe you've heard of him? Probably the greatest diver in history. I mean, I'm not that good... I'm ranked, like, eighth in the world. But I didn't win any medals or anything, so don't look it up.
Man: Wow. Uh, what's Rio like?
Axl: Great movie. Hilarious. Why?
Man: 'Cause that's where the Olympics were.

Frankie: What did you just do?
Brick: You heard her... Those threats were from Cindy! Those threats were from the lady I love! She clearly wants me back!
Frankie: No, no, no, no, no. We put too much work into getting this fish in the boat. Besides, Lilah is lovely and smart and normal and she seems to really like you.
Mike: And she eats cereal. We don't have to buy her shrimp.
Brick: But she's so much work. And with Cindy, things just come so naturally. You know Cindy... She's one in a million.
Mike: I'd go higher.
Brick: I blew it and broke up with her and thought I lost her forever, but now I have hope. I'm walking on air!

Sue: "How to fall asleep..." "20 most effective ways to fall asleep. One, turn off all devices." Got it. [sighs] Shoot. I wonder what the other 19 were.

Brad: Sandman's here!
Sue: Brad, I don't know what to do! I haven't slept in two days!
Brad: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. I'm gonna make some warm milk.
Sue: Had it.
Brad: Turkey?
Sue: Ate it.
Brad: Count sheep?
Sue: Tried it. Hmm. But every time I did, it reminded me of lambs, which reminded me of the movie, which reminded me of the scary naked man who was dancing around like a lady.

Brad: How do you not want to come to Skate Along Xanadu at the roller rink? It's my second favorite Olivia Newton-John movie. My mom's even coming up. We're not telling Dad. It's a whole thing.
Sue: No, it sounds super fun, but Lexie's at her grandma's and Aidan, my Postmates guy, has a gig, so I'm on my own this weekend. And I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. I have never lived on my own before.
Brad: Okay. But let me know if you change your mind. I got to go meet Mom at Spencer's Gifts. We're getting wigs. They come three in a bag.

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Sue was excited for her weekend alone. First thing on her agenda? Catch up on all the classic films she'd never seen, starting with an Oscar-winning movie about fluffy little farm animals... Silence of the Lambs.

Frankie: Hello, Lilah. I'm Brick's mom. It's so nice to meet you. Welcome to our...
Brick: No, no, no! The line is, "Very nice to meet you." Look, I only have one shot at Lilah liking me before she meets other people. We have to nail her down by Monday.
Mike: Brick...
Brick: Sorry, not "nail her down." Win her over.
Frankie: This isn't fair. Why do I have all the long speeches? Your dad has one-word lines... "Yep." "Eh." "Nope." I'm carrying the whole show.
Brick: That's your character. I wrote you like you are. Dad doesn't say much, so he gets fewer words.
Mike: I can't help it if I say a lot with a little.

Brick: Okay, the first two pages will take us from 3:15 to 3:18. At that point, Dad and Lilah will head into the family room. And, Mom, you'll walk in with what kind of cookies?
Frankie: Warm.
Brick: And?
Frankie: Chocolate chip or shortbread, but only if from a recipe. If not from a recipe, then packaged, but not from Frugal Hoosier. No cracks, no halves. Whole cookies only.
Brick: Good. Then I'll come down the hall pretending to talk to a friend on my phone, which will be Dad's cue to say...
Mike: [clears throat] "Brick, quit talking to all your friends all the time. You have company."
Brick: Great! Remember, it takes a village to get me a girl. We'll run this script one more time, then we're going to Sears to get me some white jeans. From the top.

Brick: Is that what you're wearing?
Frankie: Yeah, why?
Brick: Why are you in plaid? Dad wears plaid. It's a redundant visual picture. It doesn't work.