315. Valentine's Day III
Aired February 8, 2012
Despite their inclination to stay home and watch TV, Frankie and Mike go out for Valentine's Day with their friends. Meanwhile, Axl struggles to think of a life-changing event to write about, Brick has to write a report on love, and Sue is disturbed by Matt's new kissing technique.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: Sue, are you okay?
Sue: No, not at all. All of a sudden, Matt's turned into the world's worst kisser.
Frankie: What do you mean?
Sue: Out of nowhere, he puts his... his tongue... into... my mouth. Oh, my God. What is that? Who does that?
Sue: I can't help but feel bad for him. It's like he totally forgot how to kiss. I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing? What should I do? I mean, I don't want to embarrass him, but he has to be told. [gasps] Wait. I think I saw something on kickinitteenstyle.com on how to tell your boyfriend he's a bad kisser. I'm gonna go check it out.
Frankie: [v.o.] I really need to talk to Sue more.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [recording] This is my brother, and he's been very sick for a long time, with a horrible disease. Despite all the "Walks for Hope" and "Fun Runs," there is, as yet, no cure. [Brick coughs] This has been such a life-changing event for me, his brother, Axl Heck, Mrs. Johnson's sixth-period English.
Brick: It's the not knowing that's the hard part. Oh, and the dying. Actually, they're both hard.
Axl: I have to give my brother all these medicines every day.
[shot of a table containing over-the-counter products like Tums, Gas-X, Pepto Bismol, Midol, Bengay, Flintstones Gummies and Pez candy]
Brick: If I could give any advice, it'd be live, love, laugh.
Axl: Some would call it burden to care for a brother so sick with this horrible disease. I call it life-changing.
Brick: I just hope I can one day frolic in the sea. That's all. One day. In the sea.
Axl: So friggin' life-changing.
Quote from Frankie
Brick: Hey, what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day? Maybe I could write my paper about that.
Frankie: That'd be one sad story... 'Cause we're not doing anything, right?
Mike: I didn't plan anything. I-I guess I could plan something. I will... if you want me to.
Frankie: I don't know. I guess, if you want to.
Mike: Do you want to go to dinner or something?
Frankie: Nah, lot of people, long wait... Movie?
Mike: We'll fall asleep. We could do that at home for free.
Frankie: How about we just stay home? We know we love each other. We don't need to shower and put on control top pantyhose to prove it.
Mike: And since it's Valentine's, I can bring home a bucket of chicken... Unless you want candy or flowers or something.
Frankie: Eh, waste of money. Just the chicken's good. We'll eat in our sweats and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Mike: Sounds like a date.
Frankie: Wait. You're gonna want to watch sports.
Mike: Separate rooms?
Frankie: Done. Bucket of chicken, sweats, TV, separate rooms. [they high-five] Yeah, ooh, we still got it.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Guess I'm hitting the Internet. Is your parental control password still "1-2-3-4"?
Quote from Axl
Axl: Well, I just got the lamest assignment ever.
Brick: Get in line.
Axl: Mrs. Johnson is forcing us to write a speech or do a video on a life-changing event, something I haven't had. I mean, people who meet me have the life-changing event 'cause of my awesomeness, but I can't very well meet myself, now, can I? What am I gonna do?
Mike: Wait till the last minute, and turn in something that squeaks you by with a C-?
Axl: Yeah, that was totally my plan, but then I found out this is, like, 30% of my grade. I mean, that's more than half, and I got nothing-- Nothing.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Okay. I finished my speech on a life-changing event. I think I really nailed it, and I kind of want to practice on you guys.
Mike: Do I have to? [off Frankie's look] He didn't help me take the tree out.
Axl: Ahem. "My life-changing event, by Axl Heck. There was a moment not that long ago, when an event happened that changed my life, a moment that made me question everything I knew about myself to be true. I thought this girl was really hot, and I asked her out, and she said, 'no', and then I was like, 'Why? Am I not hot?' and I couldn't believe it, 'cause a lot of people think I'm hot, but maybe I wasn't hot. Maybe I was wrong about being hot. So I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself for, like, eight hours, asking myself, 'Am I hot or not hot?' And as I reflected on my reflection, I realized, 'You're the Ax-man. Of course you're hot.' So then, like, I asked her out again, "and she said, 'Yes.' The end."
Brick: Enjoy summer school.
Axl: Oh, this is all your fault! You know why I haven't had a life-changing event? 'Cause nothing in my life has happened. Nothing! I mean, we're not rich enough to travel. We're not poor enough to live out of our car. Mom's not on the Internet, stripping for money. And Dad doesn't get drunk and beat anyone.
Mike: Not yet.
Quote from Sue
Sue: This time, I tried to keep my mouth closed, but it still got in there somehow. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose.
Frankie: Yeah. Sue... Here's the thing. He is doing it on purpose.
Sue: What? Why? Why would he do something like that? It's so mean.
Frankie: Yeah, well, it might seem mean to you now, but, you know, some people sort of like it.
Sue: Who? Who would like that? It's like having an eel in your mouth.
Frankie: Oh, come on, Sue. There are two girls that are pregnant in your class right now. You never heard of French kissing?
Sue: Whoa, wait a minute. That's French kissing?
Frankie: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Sue: I thought it was kissing during a rainbow.
Frankie: Oh, wow. We really should talk more often.
Quote from Axl
Brick: [Axl records] My prognosis is grim, but there is a small ray of hope. I'm on the waiting list for the Mayo Clinic.
Axl: If things don't work out at the Mayonnaise Clinic, I don't know what we're gonna do.
Frankie: What are you doing?
Axl: Mom, shh! We're filming here. I'm working on my "life-changing event" project for school.
Frankie: Seriously, Axl? You are not doing this for your school project. Your brother's not dying.
Axl: My mom's in deep denial.
Quote from Brick
Brick: "What is love? Shakespeare tells us that 'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.' I'm only 10 and have yet to experience great love, so I chose to write about the only love I'm familiar with, the love my parents share. It's not a new love filled with burning passion. My sister says they don't even French kiss anymore."
Brick: "But it's the little things I see them do for each other" that tells me what love is, like in the car, when my mom puts her hand on the back of my dad's neck and massages it... Or when my dad warms up my mom's car and scrapes the ice off her windshield on cold mornings... And how they've learned to communicate with each other, using their own special language. It's true we don't have a lot of money, but I like to think, even if we did, my parents would still be at home, hanging out together. Of course in a much nicer house with a jacuzzi soaking tub. If you ask people what they think are the greatest loves stories, they'll say Romeo and Juliet, or Hermione and Ron Weasley, and those are fine, but if you ask me, great love stories can be small, like my mom and dad's."
Quote from Sean Donahue
Axl: Dudes, it's, like, a totally lame assignment. I mean, we're only juniors. What big, life-changing event could we have even had?
Sean: I know. It sucks. I'm probably just gonna write about the time I got trapped under the ice at Patoka Lake. That counts, right?