A collection of quotes about the Heck family's grocery store of choice, the Frugal Hoosier.
Frankie: [sighs] Well, I'm fine.
Mike: You sound great.
Frankie: No, I am. My ovaries are fine. Unfortunately, they're like raisins. And not the cute, plump California ones that dance and wear gloves. They're like the hard, shriveled, sad, deformed ones in the Raisin Flakes we get from the Frugal Hoosier.
Mike: Well, this can't be a shock, Frankie. I mean, you are 50...
Frankie: I know what I am, thanks. [exhales sharply] You don't get it. Because they don't shut men's factories downs. They only shut women's factories down.
Mike: What factories?
Frankie: This factory. I mean, I liked knowing it was open. Now it's all red-tagged and padlocked with bulldozers in the parking lot.
Mike: I feel like anything I say here is gonna be wrong, so... you want to just hug me?
Axl: Let me ask you something. You ever order a glass of wine and think, "Hmm, I could really go for a nice thirst-quenching beer"? Or drinking a beer and think, "Hmm, wine would really add some class to these nachos"? Well, now you don't have to choose, 'cause I've solved that age-old question. Allow me to introduce you to the latest in taste sensation... Bwine!
Axl: That's right. Beer plus wine equals Bwine. It was either that or "Weer," but that sounds a little too much like "Weird," and that is just not good marketing. Business major.
Mike: Wait, you're actually planning to sell this stuff? As a beverage? To people?
Axl: Oh, not just this one. I have created several varieties of Bwine. I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout, a Caber-stout, a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay, a pale-ardonnay, and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.
Mike: Hm. Ahh... What's worse than bad?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know, maybe it just needs more wine. Or less wine. Or more sugar. Sugar helps with everything.
Axl: Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes. But once I lock them in, I'm taking these babies public. I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!
Mike: [sighs] Just don't go wasting my beer.
Axl: Oh, come on, please. I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines. I'm not gonna be using your Frugal Hoosier "dented but drinkables."
Frankie: [v.o.] So the busted dryer, piled onto the whole 2009 thing... meant we'll have to cut corners fast. First step, a trip to the Frugal Hoosier, Indiana's number one expired food store.
Sue: So are we, like, poor now?
Frankie: No, we're not poor, we're just thrifty. We're trying something called living within our means.
Axl: You mean we've been living outside our means? Oh, God.
Sue: You will not believe my day. I just don't know how I'm gonna get it all done. Sergeant-at-arms, s-p-la, the committee to pick the homecoming committee. There's just no rest when you're a senior.
Mike: Since when do you drink coffee?
Sue: [scoffs] Dad! Everybody drinks coffee when they're a senior. But I'm not just doing it because everybody else is. I really love the taste. Mmm! Is this sumatra dark roast?
Frankie: It's Frugal Hoosier white label, grown in Muncie.
Axl: Now, what you want is eye-level placement. That's your premium shelf.
Brick: Huh. I'm gonna turn these bottles around so that way, people can't read the labels.
Axl: Now you're getting it, Brick.
Manager: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Axl: Hi, I'm Axl Heck. We just happen to have the best barbecue sauce money can buy, and we have chosen the Frugal Hoosier as the flagship provider for our launch of Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce. We sold 11 jars of the stuff at the swap meet, so you know it's good.
Manager: Yeah, I don't know what you think you're doing, but there is a process to getting your food on the shelves. Is this stuff even FDA approved?
Axl: I'm sorry. I thought this was America.
Brick: Darn tootin'.
Frankie: We're taking you now. Here, put these Milk Dudes up your sleeve.
Brick: What are Milk Dudes?
Frankie: The Frugal Hoosier version of Milk Duds.
Brick: What are Milk Duds?
Frankie: You know what Milk Duds are. It's a classic movie sna-- Oh.
Sue: Wait a minute. What's going on? Are we not having Thanksgiving at home this year?
Frankie: Sue, take a look around this place.
Sue: But we have to stay home. Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without Frugal Hoosier canned corn, Safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie.
Frankie: What is that supposed to mean?
Pat: Oh, you're just a little free with your money.
Frankie: I eat out of dented cans from the Frugal Hoosier. This was a hand-me-down from our cleaning lady at work!
Pat: Why are you so angry?
Frankie: How did you get like this, huh? When did you become... you're just so... licking my face and shaking down my friends for money. And what's the deal with the paper towels? Stop telling people they're so strong you can make curtains out of them. Who would want to do that?! I love you, and I'm lucky to still have you, but I wish you would stop embarrassing me with your...
Pat: I'm embarrassing you? You think I'm embarrassing?
Frankie: [sighs] I'm sorry. Wait. I didn't mean that. I'm not saying I have a drinking problem, but I... [chuckles] I can't hold my Frankietinis, you know? I've been saying crazy things all day. I told someone I like scallions. [chuckles] What?
Pat: You know, I think maybe I'll go check on Sue. [voice breaking] She's always happy to see me.
Frankie: You know, when you're moving, some boxes are better than others. You want your dry goods... cereals. Oh, your toilet-paper boxes are the belle of the box ball. You see one of those, you snag 'em fast.
Axl: You guys, I told you, I don't have that much stuff. I could just use trash bags.
Frankie: No way. We're sending our boy off in style.
Mike: That's why we're in an alley behind the Frugal Hoosier trolling for boxes.
Randy: This is the only one I could find back there.
Frankie: Unh-unh, Randy. I am not buyin' it. I think you're holding out on me. Now, I didn't want to have to use my pull, but we are members of your Frugal Hoosier Miser's Club.
Mike: Mere points from achieving Tightwad status.
Frankie: Yeah. You got kids? Would you want to send your son off to a prestigious new job with all his stuff in a cruddy little onion box?
Randy: Actually, I thought I'd send my kid off with luggage.
Frankie: Hey, Randy, check the 'tude. Now, I don't know if you're saving 'em for sledding or building a fort for your kids, but I know you got a secret stash. So why don't you march yourself back to wherever you're hiding it and bring mama the good stuff? [Randy sighs] Axl, go watch him. We don't have a lot of time. We still need to get to Bed Bath and Between. New job, new sheets. Gonna send our boy off right!
Axl: S-See what I'm saying? You've got ranches. I'm sitting here gluing my shoe back together. And it's not even Super Glue. It's Frugal Hoosier Okay Glue.
Lexie: I understand. I really do. That's why I wish that you would just let me pay for stuff.
Axl: Uch, I told you... I'm not gonna be the guy who takes money from his girlfriend. Sorry, Lex, but if you're with me, you're not getting someone who can go skiing and do all that "après" stuff. But everything else you're getting is "après"-tty good. [kisses Lexie] [sighs] I'm gonna go get us some dinner I can afford. I know it sucks for you not to be able to do all of the rich people stuff you like to do, but at least I have my dignity. [walks away with a magazine stuck to his sneaker]