Axl: Is that true? Are you weenying out on getting us presents?
Mike: Calm down. Nobody's weenying out of anything. There'll be presents, just maybe not so many.
Sue: All 'cause of an orange?
Brick: What's the orange?
Axl: You remember. From our stockings. That stupid orange from when Mom used to live on the prairie and all she got for Christmas was an orange.
Frankie: Uh, it wasn't frontier days, it's your great-grandmother during the Depression. How old do you think I am?
Axl: God, I don't know. I try not to think about you.

Mike: We're doing a little thinking about Christmas. It seems that we don't always appreciate it the way we should.
Sue: Oh, no, we appreciate it. Mm, we totally appreciate it.
Frankie: Do you? Exhibit A. Does anybody recognize that?
Mike: We'll give you a hint. One of you had to have it just last year.
Axl: Well, it's lame, so I'll go with Sue.
Mike: Ooh! Sorry. We were looking for "Axl." The correct answer is "Axl."
Sue: And it's not even opened. Wow. That is unappreciative.
Frankie: Huh. That's funny you should say that, Sue. Or should I say... Exhibit B.
Sue: Oh! Thank you! I've been looking for this.
Frankie: Been in the middle of the pool table all year, right next to... Exhibit C!
Axl: A word-a-day calendar? Well, you know that's not mine.
Frankie: Brick stopped using it on January 2nd. And coincidentally, the word is "irresponsible."

Axl: Glossners are hiding in the bushes. I saw them when Grandma took fudge over to the Donahues. I used her as a human shield.
Brick: I'm cold. I told you we needed a fireplace.
Axl: You can't put a fireplace in an igloo!
Brick: The eskimos do it all the time.
Axl: Oh, my God, Brick. Eskimos aren't even real. They're just in stories like leprechauns and trolls.

Pat: Frankie, why don't you let 'em open their presents?
Frankie: Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas!
Pat: [scoffs] Well, I didn't think you meant us, too.
Frankie: Oh, you knew I meant you, too, and you ignored me! You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here!
Pat: Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity. A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea. [Frankie gasps]
Tag: I told you not to tell her that.
Pat: Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!
Frankie: Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom. 12 pennies!
Pat: Well, back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title!
Tag: There ain't no pockets in heaven.

Mike: Hey, crazy.
Frankie: I'm a horrible, horrible person. It's Christmas, and I yelled at my parents!
Mike: Frankie, I told you, nobody should have their family in their house for 12 days. It goes against nature. It's why animals in the wild don't come home for Christmas.

Frankie: It's my parents. Guys! Grandma and grandpa are here!
Mike: What? Now? I thought they weren't coming till Christmas.
Frankie: Mike, don't look surprised. I told you about this.
[flashback to Mike watching TV:]
Frankie: That was my mom. My parents are coming a week early for Christmas. They'll be staying for 12 days. That's cool with you, right?
Mike: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
[present:]
Mike: You purposely told me during a Colts game.
Frankie: All I know is that I heard "yes."

Frankie: You know, look at it this way... After tonight, there's only 11 more days. [gasps] Oh, no. I only have 11 days until Christmas? I still have to shop for presents and find the stockings and finish the tree. Oh, my God! Oh, and if you go out, I need a present this big for Sue.
Mike: What are you looking for?
Frankie: It doesn't matter. I got Axl and Brick something this big, and it has to take up the same amount of floor space so it doesn't look like we have favorites.

Frankie: Oh, are you kidding? We got this stupid shower radio for Axl last Christmas, and look. He didn't even open it.
Mike: Good. We'll give it to him again. He won't remember.
Frankie: And this... I spent $20 for rush delivery so the kids could open it Christmas morning only to have them dump it down here Christmas night. Ugh.
Mike: You know what? Don't even tell me those things. It makes me kind of mad.
Frankie: Me, too. I mean, I drive myself nuts running around buyin' all this stuff for them, and for what, Mike? Really, for what?
Mike: Didn't you say you were looking for stockings?
Frankie: Yeah.
Mike: Ah. Here they are, in the Easter box. What the hell is that?
Frankie: It's the orange... The orange I put in their stocking every year, you know? 'Cause during the depression, the only thing that my grandma got in her stocking was an orange, but she loved it and it was enough. And that's why my mom put it in my stocking, we put one in our kids', 'cause I never want them to forget to appreciate something as pure and simple as an orange.
Mike: Look, you're always complaining about how hard Christmas is? What if we found a way to...
Frankie: to find the true meaning of Christmas again?
Mike: I-I was thinking spend less money. But that'd work, too.

Frankie: [v.o.] Ah, Christmas. It's a regular feast for the senses. The smells, the sights, the sounds... [doorbell rings]
Mike: If that's those charity wrapping paper kids again, they already hit us twice. They keep changing hats and scarves, but I recognize 'em.

Mike: 12 days, and he's already on me about the skit. What kind of screwy family has to do a skit in the family room every Christmas?
Frankie: It just feels alien to you because your family's not fun. We're fun. And you're a bunch of walking corpses who drink.
Mike: That's what I'm talking about.