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‘Heck's Best Thing’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: Heck's Best Thing

308. Heck's Best Thing

Aired November 2, 2011

Frankie and Mike are worried that Axl will blow his interview with a football scout. Meanwhile, Aunt Edie gives Sue and Brick a box of her old stuff, including a cell phone.

Quote from Frankie

Mike: Now when your mom and I are talking during the interview, no pretending to shoot yourself, or... choke yourself, or kill yourself in any way.
Frankie: Don't lick food off your body.
Mike: Don't call the recruiter "Broski," "Broseph," "Broham"...
Frankie: Don't say "lame" or "uck" or "God."
Axl: I don't believe this. It's like you have no faith in me at all.
Mike: Now you're getting it.
Frankie: And when they ask you why you want to go to college, what are you gonna say?
Axl: Uh, to get away from my lame parents.
Frankie: He just said "lame." Are you even listening?

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Quote from Axl

Axl: I think what my parents are trying to say is I'd be lying if at 16 I said I knew what I wanted to study, but you have a great school, and I find if you try your best, you end up doing something you love.
Jack Tracy: Great answer. Honest.
Axl: Now I know my grades are not the best, and I'm really working to improve them so there're more on par, vis-a-vis, my athletics.
Jack Tracy: Oh, I tell you, with an attitude like that, you're gonna have a lot of choices. But hey, this isn't just about me kicking your tires. Do you have any questions for me?
Axl: Actually, I do, Mr. Tracy. What made you decide you wanted to work at East Indiana State?
Jack Tracy: Whoa, all-out blitz. I love it. Most kids just want to know about the parties.
Axl: Oh, I'm gonna get to that. [all laugh]

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: You know, I liked that Jack. My dip was kind of gross, and he still ate it.
Mike: I'll like him more when he gives Axl a free ride. And don't ever make that dip again.
Frankie: What is this? This a pimple? I'm squeezing it, but nothing's happening.
Mike: I don't know. Give it another day.
Frankie: [v.o.] And then I saw a truly horrific sight... the truth. There I was, hunched over like Quasimodo, picking a back zit, wearing a holey t-shirt I pulled out of the dirty clothes. Axl was right. This is not my best. Maybe none of us were bringing our best for each other.
[flashback to Frankie struggling to carry the mail and grocery bags into the house:]
Axl: Whoa. Careful, Mom. You're gonna crush my chips. [Axl and Sue each take an item out of the grocery bags]
[flashback to Brick sneezing while he sits on the couch with Mike and then wiping his nose on his father's shirt]
[flashback to Mike kissing Frankie before he leaves for work:]
Mike: Have a good one. [burps] [kisses Frankie]
Frankie: [v.o.] And that was just Tuesday.

Quote from Brick

Sue: These phones are evil.
Brick: I couldn't help it. I was seduced by rollover minutes. [whispers] Rollover minutes.

Quote from Brick

Brick: It's really old. Does it even text?
Sue: I don't know. I know. I think Mom left her phone on the counter. Here. You send a text, I'll go check.
[As Sue heads to the kitchen, Frankie hears her cell phone beep and goes to check]
Frankie: Oh, my God. Aunt Edie texted "help"? I gotta get over there.
[Sue goes back to her room]
Sue: "Help," Brick? You know a bajillion words, and that's the one you go with? "Help"?
Brick: No, I said "kelp"!

Quote from Aunt Edie

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, if we had any chance of impressing this recruiter, we were gonna have to put on a big show, so I sent the kids to borrow a fancy chip platter.
Aunt Edie: And tell her to keep it.
Sue: Oh, no, Aunt Edie. We'll bring it back.
Aunt Edie: What do I need it for? And while Ginny's on the potty, I wanna slip you guys some things.
Brick: But we don't want your stuff, Aunt Edie.
Aunt Edie: Well, you can't take it with you, and at our age, it's not things that make us happy. It's cigarettes and booze. [laughs] Now take a sucky candy before you go. [Brick removes the entire congealed blob of candies]

Quote from Brick

Mike: Hey, how's Aunt Edie? Everything okay over there?
Frankie: Ugh, she doesn't remember texting and she doesn't even know where her phone is. Then she gave me a lighter and a gravy boat. I don't know why she would text "help."
Sue: Yeah. It was a weird choice.
Brick: Ugh.
Frankie: Wait. What was I thinking? Should have called the number while I was over there. All right. Maybe she'll hear it and answer.
[Sue coughs loudly as the phone in Brick's pocket starts to ring. Brick throws it in the refrigerator and closes the door.]
Frankie: No. She's not picking up. Forget it. I'm done.
[Brick opens the refrigerator door and grabs the phone and a jar of mayonnaise]
Mike: Did Brick just take a jar of mayonnaise?
Frankie: Whatever. It's Brick. Don't worry about it.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Wow. Can you believe our son? He was charming, he was funny, he had all the right answers. What the hell was that?!
Axl: What? I thought I killed it.
Frankie: Oh, you killed it, all right. You killed it all over the place!
Mike: Damn it, Axl. I was so worried you'd blow this, I almost had a heart attack, and then I look like an idiot with that "future goals" crap, and you come out swinging with "vis-a-vis"?
Frankie: And I'm not sure, but I even think you used it right.
Axl: It was on the PSATS. What's your problem? Thought you'd be proud.
Frankie: You know, every time Nancy Donahue said, "Axl's so polite at our house," I assumed she was lying to spare my feelings. And once, your English teacher wrote, "A pleasure to have in class" on the back of your report card. I thought it was a typo! But you are a pleasure, aren't you?
Axl: Okay, liking the words, but confused by the bulging neck veins.
Frankie: They're bulging because I'm wondering how you can be all charming and Colin Firth-y with this guy and Nancy Donahue and God knows who else.

Quote from Axl

Frankie: How come you never bring your best for us, huh?
Axl: Oh, like you bring your best for us?
Frankie: Wait, what? I bring my best. I bring my best 24/7.
Axl: Yeah, right. I don't see you bringing me dip and lemonade. It's always, "I'm too tired. Make your own lunch." Well, the color of the pot is black, vis-a-vis the kettle.
Frankie: We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Ugh. You were so amazing tonight, I can't even look at you!
Mike: I know. Nice job!

Quote from Sue

Sue: Hi. Um, I'd like to pay my $68.34 texting charge in cash this month.
Sales Clerk: Name on the account?
Sue: Aunt Edie. Antoinette Edie, but I just go by Edie.
Sales Clerk: Your last name?
Sue: [to Brick] What is Aunt Edie's last name?
Brick: I don't know. I always just call her "Aunt Edie."

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