Brick: I couldn't sleep anyway, it was so hot. When are we getting the air conditioner fixed? I tried packing myself in popsicles, but I woke up covered in ants.
Mike: I told you, you don't fix the air conditioner when it's hot. You wait till winter when the AC guys are desperate, and then you get a discount. That's why I'm going tomorrow to look at snowblowers.
Brick: Is that why you guys didn't buy us any school supplies?
Frankie: No. That we just forgot.
Mike: Look, you can get them in a couple weeks when they're cheap. Meantime, you can just borrow from friends.
Brick: Um, that'll be probably be more of a two-step process.

Frankie: I can't believe Axl has been texting you this whole time and he won't text me!
Mike: Oh, come on. He's texted you.
Frankie: Oh, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I did get one text. It said, "K-D-J-J-J." Pretty sure it was a butt text. So, yes, I have heard from Axl's butt.
Mike: Well, that's something.
Frankie: [whiny] I just don't get it, Mike! Why won't he text me back?! Why is he doing this to me?! Why won't he answer my calls?!
Mike: Maybe 'cause of that voice right there? I'm just saying, moms can be kind of clingy. You got to be cooler about this.
Frankie: I'm... cool.
Mike: Look, you can't text him all the time. You got to space them out. And if you just called him, maybe wait a couple days before you call him again. Oh, and be sure to hang up first. You don't want to be the rambly one. You want to make him come to you.
Frankie: I'm not trying to date my son.
Mike: Trust me, Frankie, you just got to give him time to miss you.
Frankie: But that could take years!

Sue: Dad's right. I'm just gonna say it. I am glad that Axl's gone. And I'm not sorry for saying it, either. He insulted me roughly 56 times a day, and that's being conservative. I mean, you guys have no idea how many times it happened.
[flashback to Sue walking by Axl in the school hallway:]
Axl: Dork says, "Hey." [trips Sue]
Sue: Hey!
[flashback to Axl talking to his parents at the dinner table:]
Axl: I'm sorry, but I'm a huge supporter of animal rights, and I just think it's wrong to put a monkey in clothes. [points at Sue]
[flashback to Axl putting his hand on Sue's face:]
Axl: Which finger smells like butt? Which finger smells like butt, huh? Trick question. They all do.
Sue: Aah! Aggh!
[present:]
Sue: But that's all in the past now. Axl's reign of terror is over. We're done being called Pew and Ick. We are done cleaning his room only to find out there was no 10 bucks! Our time has come, Brick. If you won't sit in his chair, I will! We're free now. Our brother can't hurt us anymore. [the airconditioning vent crashes onto Sue's head] Still better than having him here.

Mike: Oh, my God! Are you texting Axl as me?
Frankie: What?! No!
Mike: "Hey, hotshot. How about that sports team? And are you getting enough sleep?" Frankie, really?
Frankie: Well, I'm sorry. I want to hear from my son, and I am not too proud to pretend to be you to do it. I'm all left out in the cold while you two are little texting buddies. Text, text, text. "OMG". "LMAO". "Dad's so awesome." "Smiley face. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Fine. Just forget it. You can have each other. You just get off on your little bicycle built for two and ride off into the sunset. Just remember this: Sue likes me better, and when she goes off to college, I'm gonna tell her not to call you.
Sue: What?! But I love Dad. I would never do that!
Frankie: [sighs] Go to bed, Sue.

Frankie: What are you doing sitting alone in the dark?
Mike: Oh, light bulbs are hot. They heat up the room.
Frankie: So, why didn't you go outside?
Mike: 'Cause I'm getting ready to watch the game.
Frankie: With the phone in your hand and the remote on top of the TV?
Mike: You don't know how I watch games.
Frankie: Oh, I know plenty. And you know what I think? I think you miss your son.
Mike: Stop it.
Frankie: No, you do. You've got your phone in your hand so you can keep checking it so you don't miss any possible texts or phone calls. I know the symptoms, Mike. You miss your son.
Mike: I do not.
Frankie: Admit it, Mike. [singsong] You love your son. You love your son.
Mike: Look, East Indiana played Concordia yesterday, and I thought he would call to tell me about the game, but he got busy, I guess. That's fine. It's just... different. Axl and I were... You know, we spent a lot of time together. I don't really relate to Brick.
Brick: [o.s.] Right here, Dad.
Mike: Nothing I wouldn't say to your face.

Brick: I've been thinking, why do I need to go to middle school, anyway? You know, I've done some research, and homeschooling is not out of the question.
Mike: It is at this home.
Frankie: What now, Brick? Is this about the asbestos again? 'Cause I told you, they got that down to acceptable levels.
Brick: Okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some concerns, not the least of which is I can't go to the bathroom.
Frankie: Unh-unh. No more quirks. You're done.
Brick: It's not that. Everyone knows if a sixth grader goes to the bathroom, eighth graders wait in there to give him a swirlie.
Frankie: Brick, that's just a stupid legend that goes around. That stuff doesn't really happen. Mike, tell him. Did you ever in your whole life get a swirlie?
Mike: I didn't get them.
Frankie: You'll be fine.

Frankie: [v.o.] While Brick was worried about getting swirlied, Sue wasn't worried about a thing.
Sue: Oh, my God. This feels amazing! I can't believe I'm actually getting to walk down this hall.
Brad: I know. Me too. Wait. Why?
Sue: Axl's locker was on this hall, and he would never let me walk down it, even though I had a class here. I would have to go outside, and the old crossing guard would lift me up so I could crawl through the window.
Brad: Sue, we don't have a crossing guard.
Sue: Huh. Then who was that? Anyway, I am free now. I can go wherever I want. I can do whatever I want. I can even dance down this hallway, and there's no one here to call me a dork.
Brad: You don't have to ask me twice!

Frankie: Why is this thing even on, Mike? That vent's just blowing air from the outside.
Mike: Look, you need the airflow to cool you off when you sweat. It's nature's air-conditioning.
Frankie: I don't want nature's air-conditioning. I want people's air-conditioning. [offers Brick a drink]
Brick: Thanks, but I'm off liquids until June. I'm training myself not to go to the bathroom.
Frankie: Brick, you need to drink something. Your kidneys are gonna shut down, and we can't afford that.

Frankie: What? I thought I heard my phone buzz. [sighs] Look, it's been radio silence, and I've done everything you said. I have been so good. I went for two days without calling him. I waited 36 hours between texts and not one word back... nothing. I said, "How'z it hanging?" With a "Z." It doesn't get more casual than that. I followed your stupid rules and nothing I still get nothing.
Mike: Look, it's like I said before, Frankie. You're too needy. Guys can smell that, and they run.
Frankie: I can't help it. I miss my son. It's normal to miss your son.
Mike: It's normal for him to be gone.

Frankie: So you're saying you don't miss him at all?
Mike: I'm saying it's how it's supposed to be. I mean, I-I'm perfectly fine with him being gone. I'd be fine if these two were gone.
Brick: Right here, Dad.
Mike: You know what I mean.