Sue: Axl! Did you hear this? Mom and Dad say we're having Thanksgiving at a restaurant.
Axl: Oh. So Mom's not cooking? At last... something to be truly thankful for.

Sue: Mom, I have to talk to you. Darrin did something bad.
Frankie: Don't worry. Dad will get over the turkey thing.
Sue: He told the waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to Dad.
Frankie: What? Has he lost his mind?!
Sue: I don't know.
Frankie: Listen to me right now. You need to tell me who you talked to and exactly what you said.
Darrin: Uh, I don't know. He was a waiter.
Frankie: What did he look like?
Darrin: He had an apron and a pen.
Frankie: They all have aprons and pens! I need details. Mole on his face, crooked nose... anything.
Darrin: I don't remember.
Frankie: Well, you've got to remember!
Darrin: It's kind of hard to think when you're yelling at me!
Frankie: All right, just... just go and find him... now!

Sue: Wait a minute. What's going on? Are we not having Thanksgiving at home this year?
Frankie: Sue, take a look around this place.
Sue: But we have to stay home. Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without Frugal Hoosier canned corn, Safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie.

Frankie: [v.o.] Thanksgiving. What do the Hecks and the Pilgrims have in common? No indoor plumbing.
Mike: How many times do I have to tell you? Coffeepot is stream. Ice tray is mist.
Frankie: Mm. Okay, listen, Mike. I was thinking. You know how we always say only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving?
Mike: So are you saying we're going out this year?
Frankie: No. Well, yes, but not 'cause we're losers. 'Cause we have a floor sink and a tiny table.
Mike: Don't exactly sound like winners.
Frankie: Okay, just... just follow me here. I saw an ad in the paper that King Henry's Feast is doing a Thanksgiving buffet, and it's only $7.99 a person. They're doing all the Thanksgiving staples, plus their full complement of international cuisine. And as an added bonus, we don't have to do the dishes in the bathtub.
Mike: You don't have to convince me to leave this house. Long as I get some turkey, I'm fine.

Brick: Hi, Cindy. I like your dress.
Cindy: It has turkeys on it. [car drives off]
Mike: What kind of parents just dump their 12-year-old on Thanksgiving and take off?
Frankie: You're just mad you didn't think of it first.

Frankie: Whoo! There's a reason they didn't have taquitos at the first Thanksgiving. If I can just rally a burp here, I might be able to squeeze in a piece of zebra cake.

Frankie: Stop it! It's Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving... the one day of the year we're supposed to stop complaining and stressing out and just give thanks! I mean, we have so much to be thankful for. We're all here together and we're healthy and we're... relatively happy. You know, there are people that live in the street and have nothing to eat, and here we are with this bountiful feast of lo mein and moussaka and root-beer cake, and we're inside, where it's warm and nice and... [alarm sounds]
Man: [over PA] Folks, this is not a drill. We need everyone to evacuate the building immediately.

Frankie: Oh, and listen, Axl... I invited Devin Levin to come down and have dinner with us, so I'm gonna need you to drive her home from school.
Axl: No! No way. I'm not driving Devin Levin here from college. I told you a million times! I'm not telling you again!
Frankie: [v.o.] I know this seems like an extreme reaction, even for Axl, but this Devin Levin battle had been raging for two years.
[flashback:]
Frankie: Mm. Axl. My hair person's cousin's niece's daughter is from Idaho, and she just started at east Indiana, so since she really doesn't know anybody yet, I thought it'd be nice if you called her just to say hi.
Axl: Well, think again, 'cause there's no way I'm calling some uggo from Idaho.
[flashback:]
Frankie: [on the phone] Did you ever call Devin Levin? I asked you six months ago.
Axl: [playing hackeysack] Mom, I don't have time. I'm studying.
[flashback:]
Frankie: [on the phone] Axl, this is getting embarrassing. You have to call her before my roots grow out.

Frankie: I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving that girl stranded for Thanksgiving. That's not how we roll. I'm asking you to do this, and you do for family.
Axl: But you don't do for hairdresser's family.
Frankie: Look, it's hard to find a good hair person who works out of her garage, but I did it, and you're doing this.
Mike: Wait... so it's not gonna be just our family?
Frankie: It's not just our family anyway. Brick's bringing Cindy and Darrin's coming.
Mike: Ugh.
Axl: Wait. Sue's bringing a date and Brick's bringing a date? That means Devin Levin's gonna think it's a date.
Frankie: Relax. I didn't tell her it was a date.
Axl: Mom look at me. If I pick a girl up, she's gonna think it's a date.

Sue: Aren't those your pregnancy pants?
Frankie: They used to be my pregnancy pants. Now they're my holiday pants.
Sue: Ah. Well, Mom, do you mind if I ask you kind of a serious question?
Frankie: Uh... Sure.
Sue: Does Dad not like Darrin?
Frankie: What?! Pfft! Of course Dad likes Darrin. Why would you say that?
Sue: W-well, the other day, you were talking about who was coming to Thanksgiving dinner, and after you said Darrin was coming, dad said, "Ugh."
Frankie: No. He didn't say, "ugh." He said... "Ah." You know, like, "ah, that's nice."
Sue: No. It was definitely an "ugh." I remember it very vividly. You said, "Darrin is coming," and Dad said, "Ugh."
Frankie: Look, Sue, don't take it personally. Your dad likes us, and that's about it. And some days, not even us.