Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.

Mike: Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now? That's ridiculous.
Frankie: You know what I find ridiculous? You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!
Axl: So, Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it'd be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.
Frankie: Yes. It is hilarious. I don't know which part was the most hilarious. Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug shot, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!
Axl: My phone's on vibrate.
Sue: I'm so sorry!
Mike: Battery's dead.
Brick: Hey, whatever happened to my phone?

Sue: Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number-one Christian role model, and all you can think about is a dumb book.
Frankie: You have a Dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in a while, Mike.
Mike: Hey, I listen plenty, but there's only so many hours in the day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books, Brick.
Brick: It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever, Axl.
Axl: Hey, if I'm messy, it's 'cause I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!
Sue: Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip! You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.
Axl: No! No! No! D-d-don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time! That's why all of his growth spurts are all this way. He keeps going, he's gonna be an O.
Brick: Maybe I read all the time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.
Frankie: You know what? This is very un-Brady. Blaming each other isn't getting us anywhere, so if we can't find the book, we'll just have to take Brick down there and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. That.... That's a thing, right?

Judge: Case 1492B, the city of Orson versus Frances Heck in the matter of unpaid library fees, avoiding a summons, and failure to appear.
Frankie: Frances Heck, present. Hi. I've appeared.
Judge: Mrs. Heck, this court recommends that you plead no contest and pay the $180 fine, and then we can all get on with this glorious day.
Frankie: Okay, all that sounds good. The thing is, we don't have the $180. This is what happened. My son here loves to read so much that when he lost his library card, he borrowed mine to check out books, and then he happened to misplace one of them. Was it irresponsible of him to lose that book? Yes. But books are his only friends. Tell him, Brick.
Brick: Well, I have made a few new friends. I mean, they don't invite me to do stuff, but I stand near them and they don't ask me to go away.
Frankie: [sighs] The point is, Brick has absolutely learned his lesson. Brick, did you learn your lesson?
Brick: Oh, I-I definitely did. Also, I learned that if my mom ever goes to jail again, I will tell my dad.

Frankie: Oh, come on. Did you seriously just check out another library book?
Brick: In fact, I did. [holds up a copy of Stormy Moon] I found a copy in the Jasper County branch. I have to say, when the judge read that plot summary, it really piqued my interest. Turns out it's a real page turner.
Brick: [v.o.] The time had come for Lorenzo to drift again. He would forever remain a beautiful mystery.
Axl: What does this mean? Am I the fish or the crown, and what about that green thing? What even is that green thing?
Mike: I got no idea what I'm looking at. Seems like you guys could've talked about things in the time it took her to paint this.
Brick: [v.o.] She knew she would miss his stolen kisses, but would always treasure the happiness he helped her feel inside. [Reverends TimTom and Tammy kiss] But sadly, what is borrowed must always be returned, and there is always a price to pay in the end.
Brick: Oh, snap! She jumped off a cliff. Did not see that coming.

Mike: Hey, Frankie, we got Shorty's pizza! It's getting cold!
Sue: She was definitely trying too hard. Felt like she was saying the words but not really meaning it. She was like a spiritual shrug. And, like, people were clapping, but I think it was just to be polite.
[Frankie returns home and walks into the kitchen to find her family dining]
Brick: Oh, right. I was supposed to tell you, Mom got arrested.
Sue: What?!
Mike: What are you talking about?
Frankie: Yeah, that's right. I got arrested. And you know why I got arrested? Because apparently, someone's been using my library card without me knowing and checking out books and not returning them.
Brick: Based on the way you're looking at me, I'm assuming you think I know, but honestly, I have no idea who it could be.
Frankie: It's you, Brick. I do know. It's you.

Frankie: Okay, the librarian said it's just one book that's overdue, and it's called Stormy Moon.
Brick: Stormy Moon? Stormy Moon. Does not ring a bell.
Frankie: Come on, it's about a moon. Sounds kind of science-fictiony, right? Maybe it's in there with all your Planet Nowhere books.
Brick: Oh, yeah! That's a good idea. You should go look in my room.
Frankie: I am not hauling my butt to court to pay some 180-buck fine for a stupid book that you're too lazy to look for. Now, stop screwing around and find it. You do not want to mess with me. I already have a record, people. I got nothing to lose.

Frankie: We are looking for a book called Stormy Moon by PJ Wilcox, and we are not doing anything else ever again until we find it, because I am not going back in the slammer.
Mike: Now?
Brick: But I already looked.
Sue: But Orson is having a teen crisis.
Axl: I just found the sun beam.
Frankie: You know, on The Brady Bunch, when they said they were going to do something, they all pitched in and did it. The level of group determination in that family was just off the charts. Here it's every man for himself. Well, we are gonna Brady this situation right now.

Brick: Found it!
Frankie: Yes! Guys, he's got it. Brick found the book.
Brick: Oh, not the book. I found these coupons for half off at The Pie House.
Frankie: Brick, look at my face. Do you have any sense of how angry I am right now?
Brick: Nothing pie wouldn't fix.
Frankie: I will kill you.

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, we all have our heroes, but for Sue Heck, there was one hero more super than all the rest.
Reverend TimTom: [sings and plays guitar] Be careful on the internet That skater boy that you just met Might be a lonely convict in a penitentiary Be careful on the world wide web Be certain of your Facebook friends That dream boat you're in love with might not exist You've been catfished [talks] Hello, my friends.
Sue: [to a boy] Isn't he amazing? Nobody gets us like he does. [chuckles]
Reverend TimTom: As you know, I've spent the last few months roving the Great Plains with my new seminar "Teens 'n Screens, What Would Jesus Tweet?" [Sue giggles] Well, my travels took me to the upper Peninsula of Michigan, where I crossed paths with somebody I think is pretty great, and I'm guessing you will, too. So, everybody give it up for my dear friend, Reverend Tammy!
Reverend Tammy: [plays guitar and sings] Jesus said in the Bible "I am who am" So if you IM Jesus, you'll know it's really him Look up from your cellphones, turn your computers off Cut the cord You don't need a modem to e-mail the Lord Be careful on the internet You have no idea who you just met Be careful on the internet It's probably a weirdo, you can bet...