Pat: Oh. There's my Suzy Q. Oh! I brought something for you. Now, I know that you like Hunger Games, so here's an article about how it's being shown in Japan. Oh, now this is about the dangers of sexting. It's not good, Sue.

Frankie: Where's Dad?
Pat: Oh, I convinced him to stay home. He's such a stick in the mud. Takes an act of congress to get pants on him. He only wears velour.
Frankie: Mm. What's with the paper towels?
Pat: Oh, I didn't know if you had any. You don't always shop. I telling you, Frankie, these are the best. You can get them wet, wipe up a spill, wet them again, dry them out, and use them over and over again. I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

Frankie: I'm sorry if I drove an hour and a half to be with my mother on Mother's Day. I had no idea it would be an inconvenience. I just thought it would make you happy.
Pat: Frankie, I am never alone in this house. Your dad is always here, asking me about this, asking me about that. "Can I eat this?" "Where's my raincoat?" Now he's out with his possums, and I just wanted a minute to frost my damn hair, and drink my damn wine and listen to my damn music without getting anyone anything, or making anybody any grilled cheese sandwiches with potato chips in the middle.
Frankie: Oh, my God. I'll bet your sciatic nerve isn't really acting up. I'll bet you just made that up as an excuse to not see me.
Pat: Oh, come on, you know how sciatica is. It comes and goes.
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. You were boogying down pretty hard there, Lady Flash.
Pat: It comes and goes.

Sue: Well, I'm sorry. If you guys wanted to be alone, why didn't you just say so?
Pat: It's really hard, Sue. It's really hard to say you don't wanna be with your family on Mother's Day. It's really hard to say you don't wanna dry your own fruit.
Frankie: You didn't like your dehydrator?
Pat: It's ridiculous. I'm gonna go buy $4-a-pound grapes and spend hours turning them into 99-cent raisins? Use your head.

Pat: Oh. You're still in my pajamas.
Frankie: It's okay if I stay another day, right?
Pat: Of course, honey. You are welcome to stay as long as you need to. But I do have bridge club on Tuesday.
Frankie: Thanks, Mom. I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet.
Pat: [laughs] Frankie, you don't really think your life is so bad, do you?
Frankie: No. It's good. I know I should be grateful. Good husband, healthy kids... blah, blah, blah.
Pat: 'Cause I know Pam Staggs seems like she has it all, but no one has it perfect, Frankie. Every mom has that moment where she wants to get in the car, drive to Kentucky, check into the Holiday Inn with a bottle of peppermint schnapps, and watch all the Smokey and the Bandits in one night.
Frankie: Mom. Really?
Pat: And you know what? Halfway through Smokey 3, I got sick of Burt Reynolds, I missed my family, and I knew it was time to go home.

Pat: Oh, honey. It's just hard, 'cause right now you're in the middle of it, but if I could go back in time, you know what I would do?
Frankie: What?
Pat: I'd sniff the back of your little neck. You always had the sweetest smelling little neck. I don't think I spent nearly enough time smelling the back of your neck. But then I'd get the hell out of there.
Frankie: Mom.
Pat: Well, it's true. Raising kids is hard. Look, Frankie, here's the deal. You're gonna have lots of toenail moment. Lots and lots of 'em. But you're gonna end up having more good moments than toenail moments, I promise you.
Frankie: Okay.
Pat: And your kids are gonna grow up, and your life is gonna get easier, and they're only gonna come and stay with you and bother you just once every so often. [sniffs Frankie's neck as they hug] Oh, God. Honey, you got to take a shower.

Mike: Listen, Pat, about that whole Janet's wedding business, you seemed kind of bugged by it, so I-I wanted to just be clear. It's not that I didn't want to dance with you. It's that I don't want to dance with anybody.
Pat: Oh, Mike, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal.
Mike: Well, obviously it is a big deal or you wouldn't have mentioned it.
Pat: Well, maybe at the time. 'Cause, you know, I mean, Janet and Gary had just finished their first dance, and the deejay said, "Anybody else want to join the happy couple on the dance floor?" So I looked over at you. You were still new to the family. And you were just sitting there all alone, drinking your whiskey, so I danced across that floor to you, and I leaned down and grabbed your hands and tried to pull you up, but you just sat there like a rock.
Mike: Are you sure I...
Pat: Oh, yeah. 'Cause then everybody was looking at us, and they started chanting, "Mike! Mike! Mike!" And I was pleading with you with my eyes to get up, but you wouldn't budge. So finally I just had to... [chuckles] smile and dance away and pretend everything was fine. But it wasn't. I slipped off to the bathroom and cried and missed "We Are Family," which is my favorite song. But I hardly think about that anymore. Would you like a grilled cheese?

Frankie: [on the phone] Yeah, oh, hi. Hello. Um, yeah, I-I need to cancel a service call. I'm calling for my mom, Pat Spence.
Pat: Oh, this is not like me. You tell them this is not like me!
Frankie: My mom says it's not like her. Uh, I'm sorry, yes. Can you repeat that? Yeah. Friday between 8:00 and 11:00 would be great.
Pat: I'm not gonna pay the $6 cancellation fee.
Frankie: They said they would waive the fee. [quietly on the phone] I'll pay the fee.
Pat: Just keep the appointment... [Frankie sighs] and explain to them that I would've called sooner, but your father changed phone companies again, and then I forgot.
Frankie: I am so sorry. Mom, he doesn't need to know that.
Pat: Okay. [takes the phone] Hello, this is Pat Spence. Yes, let me explain about the stove. Uh, I'm staying at my daughter's house because they think I have vertigo. They have to take more tests. We bought the house in 1985 just after our girls graduated.
Frankie: Mom, he doesn't need to know...
Pat: Sweetie, I am on the phone. No butter? Anyway, uh, it was originally painted avocado green which, by the way, I don't think they even make that color appliance anymore.

Pat: Frankie, why don't you let 'em open their presents?
Frankie: Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas!
Pat: [scoffs] Well, I didn't think you meant us, too.
Frankie: Oh, you knew I meant you, too, and you ignored me! You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here!
Pat: Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity. A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea. [Frankie gasps]
Tag: I told you not to tell her that.
Pat: Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!
Frankie: Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom. 12 pennies!
Pat: Well, back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title!
Tag: There ain't no pockets in heaven.

Tag: You know, Frankie. You causing that mall stampede made me pissing away the cruise money look not so bad.
Frankie: Okay, I think the term "stampede" is a little inaccurate. I would call it a... group hurry.
Pat: The point is everyone makes mistakes. I think now is a good time to tell you that I joined Weight Watchers in 1996, and I forgot to cancel my monthly membership.