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‘Pam Freakin' Staggs’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

The Middle: Pam Freakin' Staggs

610. Pam Freakin' Staggs

Aired January 7, 2015

Frankie is thrilled when Pam Staggs (Kirstie Alley), the most popular girl in high school who later won big on Wheel of Fortune, moves back to Orson. Meanwhile, Sue searches for an extracurricular activity that will impress colleges, and Axl asks Devin Levin out on a date.

Quote from Brick

Mike: [sighs] I gotta say, Brick, you're annoying me the least this week.
Brick: Thanks, Dad. I know we don't always share a lot of the same interests, but I think we're both very calm. [eats chip]

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Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Really? No one's even gonna say, "what?" Pam Staggs just Facebook friended me. Pam freakin' Staggs!
Brick: Who's Pam Staggs?
Mike: She's that Wheel of Fortune lady your mom went to high school with.
Frankie: She's not just the Wheel of Fortune lady, Mike. She won a million dollars! She solved "pardon my French" with just a "p" and an "r." And I thought it was, "Purell my friend." I know she moved to St. Louis, but then I didn't hear a thing after that.
Brick: This close to not asking.
Mike: Yeah.
Frankie: Like, I couldn't make the first move. She's Pam Staggs! And now she has friended me. Me, Mike, me!
Mike: You do realize you're an adult now?

Quote from Axl

Axl: All right, fine, I'll just keep walking backwards around campus. This could be a date right here.
Devin: Except it's not.
Axl: Why not? We went out, had a great time, I don't get it. Is there someone else? Am I hideous to you?
Devin: Look, I like you, Axl. I'm just not sure I can do this whole dating thing. I have soccer practice every day, and my grades suck.
Axl: Mine suck, too. That's another thing we have in common. We're like those two characters from that book we never read.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Help! Pam Staggs is here! Right outside, right now! She's parking down the street. I think I bought us a few minutes. If she asks, the curbs are being painted. Oh, my God. Somebody do something! It's a shantytown in here! Brick! Put on the news or something that makes us look smarter! Stuff a sock in it, Sue! Somebody cover the sinkhole. Why do I have to do everything around here?! When are you people gonna learn to clean up after yourselves?!
Sue: What's going on?
Frankie: Nothing good in this dump! Get that hose out the window! [doorbell rings] All right. Change everything, clean the tub, be different!

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Hey there, Pam. Such a pleasure to have you stop by. Come in, come in. Well...
Pam Staggs: Wow. This is cray cray, huh? I mean, I'm driving around checking out the old hood, and, at first, I thought this homeless woman was picking through the trash, and then I realized, oh, my God, that's not some bag lady. That's Frankie Spence!
Frankie: [laughs] Oh, this is my husband Mike. He's president of the quarry. Anybody that wants a rock blown up, they gotta ask this guy first. And this is my youngest, Brick, he reads. He's a reader. Show her your books. Oh, and this is my daughter Sue. She plays the oboe. Don't play now. We don't wanna show off. I'm sorry my oldest son, Axl, isn't here. He's very handsome. He's at college on a football scholarship. That's true. I mean, of course it's true. It's all true. [laughs]
Pam Staggs: Wow, Frankie, look at you. You just have hardly changed.
Frankie: Oh, yeah, you're just saying that. You're the one that hasn't changed. Our kitchen's being remodeled.

Quote from Sue

Sue: Mom, Dad. You are not gonna believe this.
Frankie: Wait, me first. How long should I wait before I accept a Facebook friend request?
Sue: Oh, you gotta jump on that. It could've been a mistake.
Frankie: Good thinking.
Sue: Anyway... I was perusing KickinItTeenStyle's sister web site, kickinitcollegestyle.com... and I learned some very life-changing intel on a surefire way to get into the university of your choice. One word... oboe.
Mike: Five words... you don't play the oboe.
Sue: Don't worry, you guys. I got this. These universities need to fill their oboe needs, and that is where Sue Heck comes in. [plays oboe off-key] Whoo! Feelin' kinda dizzy. Head between knees.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Hey, don't wreck your dinner. I've got pizza poppers in the microwave.
Mike: You need help with that?
Frankie: No, that's okay. This one's on me. Ugh, literally. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
[Frankie carries the dripping garbage bag out to the curb while wearing her dirty sweats. When she manages to kick off the bin lid, it's full. When she swings the garbage bag behind her to try cram it in the bag, it splits open.]
Frankie: Oh, come on!
Pam Staggs: Frankie? Frankie Spence?
Frankie: Pam? What are you doin' here?
Pam Staggs: Didn't you hear? I'm back, baby. Pam Staggs is back!

Quote from Frankie

Pam Staggs: You know what? You and I are gonna go out right now. Shut up! Because I will not take no for an answer. Is that okay, Mike? Can I borrow your wife for a bit?
Mike: I'll do you one better. You can keep her.
Frankie: [laughs] He does that. We joke about our love all the time.
Mike: [whispers to Frankie] Calm down.
Frankie: [whispers] You calm down. [normal voice] Okay, then. Well, I guess that's the plan. These two gals are hitting the town. So just put my pizza poppers in the fridge, guys, 'cause I'm going out with Pam Staggs.
Pam Staggs: Nice to meet you.
[Mike removes a bra that is stuck to Frankie's back]

Quote from Brick

Brick: So, Dad, I picked this up in the free bin at the library, and I thought you and Mom might find it very interesting. It's called Far Out Parenting. It was written in the '70s, but I think it still applies. Just substitute "flip-flops" for "go-go boots," and "oboe" for "drugs."
Mike: Put it in the john. Maybe I'll check it out.

Quote from Sue

Frankie: No, Sue, no. No oboe today. My head can't take it.
Sue: Honestly, I'm losing faith in my ability to master the oboe in the time required. But doesn't matter, because what I heard what colleges are really looking for are girls who do rowing.
Mike: But you don't do rowing.
Sue: No, but... I have been working on my upper arm strength, and I think I could be really good at it. Look at this. [whistles] If I were in a boat right now, I'd be, like, a hundred feet away.
[Frankie's phone vibrates and she laughs at the message]
Mike: Is there room for two in that boat?

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