723. Find My Hecks
Aired May 11, 2016
With Axl and Sue back home for summer vacation, Frankie and Mike set a curfew so they're not up half the night worrying where their kids are. After Axl and Sue ignore the curfew, Frankie turns to a phone app which lets her track her kids' whereabouts. Meanwhile, Brick tries to scope out the competition for class valedictorian.
Quote from Sue
Sue: What's the matter, Brick?
Brick: Have you ever just wanted something so bad and you didn't get it?
Sue: Uh, yeah. I hate to brag, but I'm kind of an expert.
Brick: Well, Cindy and I are tied for valedictorian, and it's all gonna come down to who does better on our geometry final. [sighs] I mean, I've dreamed of being valedictorian since I was a kid. You know, finally being cool. But now I guess I'm gonna have to give it up for my girlfriend.
Sue: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you saying you have to let Cindy win because she's a girl? Is it harder for women? Sure. But we can succeed on our own merits, thank you very much. And we will never earn true equality if men keep propagating this "chauvinism in the guise of chivalry"... [Mike walks in]... way of thinking. Do you want me to get my Gloria Steinem book? [Mike turns around and leaves] It's just right over there in the pile.
Brick: No, no. You've convinced me. I get what you're saying. I just need to man up and kick butt on this test.
Sue: No, no, no, no, no. You are going to woman up, because I am going to help you. Flash cards, quizzes, whatever it takes. I am not going to leave your side for the next two days.
Axl: Hm! Hey, Sue! There's another party tonight.
Sue: I would stay, but Axl is being so nice to me right now, I feel like I've got to go.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: I found an app where you can track someone through their phone if they have the same friends-and-family plan. So now I know their whereabouts at all times.
Mike: You're spying on the kids?
Frankie: Well, you call it spying, I call it peace of mind. Now I don't have to worry 'cause I can see where they are. It's just... There's no arguing. It's a lot easier. It's kind of like when I used to sneak into Axl's room and cut his hair a little each night.
Mike: That did save a lot of screaming.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Hey. How was the movie?
Sue: How'd you know I went to a movie?
Mike: I don't know. You must've told me.
Sue: No. Brad and I went to lunch, and then we decided to see a movie last-minute.
Mike: Well, y-you're at Sbarro's. The theater's right by there.
Sue: How did you know I was at Sbarro?
Mike: You said you were at the theater. I figured you'd obviously go to Sbarro's. It's the only good Italian in town. It only makes sense. You know what? We're glad you had a good time. Bye. [closes the door on Sue]
Frankie: Okay, that's it. You're off the project. You're a security risk. I'm not gonna let you jeopardize this whole operation with your loose lips.
Mike: Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm out. I knew this was wrong in the first place. Dads aren't supposed to know what's going on. We like being in the dark. Let me know when the kids are getting married.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Hit me.
Axl: Tough day?
Brick: The worst. I did terrible on my geometry test. Cindy completely distracted me by showing some skin.
Axl: What'd she do? Show some leg?
Brick: Nope. Ears. They're beautiful. Those things have never seen the sun. I couldn't think of congruent triangles... only those damn porcelain ears.
Axl: You're an ear man. That's, uh... really weird.
Quote from Axl
Axl: What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
Frankie: Looking for you. Why weren't you in the ditch? The dot says you're in the ditch.
Axl: What? Oh, my God. Are you tracking us? This is such an invasion of privacy. This is America. I could sue you.
Frankie: How did you know where we were?
Sue: Axl's been tracking you on his phone for years. He's also the reason the lunch meat goes down so fast.
Axl: Okay, yes, but as the oldest child, it is my responsibility to keep tabs on you guys. As people get older, they wander off. The real lesson here is you still don't trust us. I thought we settled this. I said, "Whatever."
Quote from Mike
Sue: When does it end?!
Mike: It ends now. These things are ruining us. They don't make people worry less. They make you worry more. Used to be you didn't worry the whole time somebody was out at night. You just said a prayer, went to bed, and that was it. If they weren't there in the morning, then you would worry. We're done with the tracking. I'm gonna get these apps off all of these phones. Axl, get these apps off all of our phones.
Frankie: [v.o.] It doesn't matter how many apps they come up with. They're never gonna come up with one that makes you stop worrying, because that's the price you pay for loving people.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Oh, my God. That party was amazing. Definitely one of the top 10 Orson parties I've ever been to. And not just only 'cause I've been to four. Oh, and that diner! Oh, my God. I have never had pancakes at 2:00 in the morning. Was it breakfast? Was it dinner? I don't know!
Quote from Mike
Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, I was cool, but Mike... not so much.
Mike: [on the phone] Hey, Axl, I need you to pick me up a taco from the taco place. What do you mean you're not anywhere near there? Are you sure? You sure you're not .2 miles from there? No? All right. [hangs up] Look at this. He is right next to Taco Jason's, but he can't get the old man a taco? I drove up to his school last week to bring him a chair, but he can't pick me up a damn taco? [clicks tongue] Not cool. He's gonna be hearing about this.
Frankie: No, he's not going to be hearing anything, because you don't know about the dot, remember? Now, I've got a bean-and-cheese burrito in the freezer I've been hiding under the bag of peas. It's yours if you don't blow this.
Quote from Cindy
Cindy: Good luck, Brick.
Brick: Good luck to you. Oh, and, Cindy, we need to talk.
Ms. Conrad: Okay. And begin.
[As the students begin to take their tests, Cindy rips off her hat's ear flaps and brushes her aside. As Brick stares at Cindy's ear, his pencil tip snaps]
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] I'll tell ya, with Mike off the case, things were running a lot smoother. The kids were at a party 7.6 miles away, and everything was fine.
Mike: Have you been watching the dots? Sue's in a ditch.
Frankie: What are you talking about?
Mike: The app... it's saying Sue is in a ditch. You said you had this. What if I hadn't checked?
Frankie: All right, calm down a second. Are you sure?
Mike: Look at the dots. It says Axl's in some house and Sue's over there by the side of the road.
Frankie: Okay, that's a ditch... next to a dump. Oh, my God. Did you call the kids?
Mike: Yeah, neither one's picking up.
Frankie: Where you going?
Mike: I'm going to the ditch.
Frankie: All right, I'm coming, too. Just give me a minute to put on a bra.
Mike: There's no time for that.
Frankie: Fine. Then we'll take my car. I have a bra in it.