Brick: I panicked, and for good reason. There's no way we're getting out of this. In books, they always catch the culprit.
Axl: [sighs] What books?
Brick: How about any Sherlock Holmes novel? Have you read The Hound of the Baskervilles?
Axl: No.
Brick: A Study in Scarlet?
Axl: No.
Brick: The Valley of Fear?
Axl: No! But I have seen Captain America.
Brick: What happens in that?
Axl: I don't know. I kind of lost the plot.
Brick: Seriously, Axl, what are going to do?
Axl: [groans] Just give me a second. I need to think. [exhales deeply] What did happen in Captain America?

Sue: You told Axl what to major in.
Mike: Axl needed to be told to close his mouth when he takes a shower.
Sue: But you gave up everything for me. I don't want to disappoint you or make another mistake. Tell me what you want me to do. You have to. Please?
Mike: Look, you were never supposed to know what happened with the business. That was my choice. And maybe I didn't do you any favors trying to protect you, but I just didn't think you should have to worry about that. You're asking me what I want for you. I don't know. I-I'll tell you what I don't want for you. I don't want you to be on a first-name basis with the operator from the gas company, even though Joyce is very nice and lets us spread the bill over three credit cards. I don't want you to have to share a battery between both your cars. I don't want you to have to hope for a tornado to bring your next appliance. I'm not trying to scare you, kid, but... it's hard sometimes living like we do. And, uh... what I hope for you is just that it can be different.

Frankie: Oh, God.
Brick: Yes, it's my birthday. But don't worry. I've taken care of everything. I got my cupcake, I sang to myself, and I opened the card from Grandma with the $2 bill in it. I'm good.
Frankie: Okay, look, first of all, we did not forget your birthday. We were just...
Mike: Don't even try.
Brick: Look, I don't care about any of the birthday accoutrements. I just got it out of the way, so we could concentrate on this. [holds up car keys]
Mike: I thought you had to be 15 to get a learner's permit.
Brick: I am 15, and you signed the permit last week.
Frankie: That's what that was? [sighs] I thought you were gonna learn how pizza gets made.
Brick: Look, I've read all the manuals. I've got a phone book on the front seat, which, coincidentally, I've also read. I'm ready to go. Now, I know you both want to share this iconic moment with your son, so I'm gonna leave you two to fight it out, and I'll meet the winner in the car. [throws the car keys at Frankie and Mike, neither of whom catch them]

Frankie: I think we got to talk to her. I-I mean, I want her to do something that she loves but still practical, you know?
Mike: When did people decide they got to like what they do? Work is work.
Frankie: I know.
Mike: There's only four fun jobs in the world anyway. Baseball player, football player, basketball player, bounty hunter.
Frankie: Bounty hunter?
Mike: Yeah, it's cool.

Sue: I need to declare a major by Tuesday. I know I said I was all-in on theater, but I'm starting to have second thoughts... and third thoughts and a few fourths.
Frankie: Well, the good news is you have lots of...
Sue: I'm thinking German.
Mike: German? Where'd that come from?
Sue: Well, I'm taking a German class this semester. My professor said I have a real ear for it. [speaking German]
Frankie: Wow, Sue, I didn't know you could...
Sue: But I still love acting, and so I'm considering a double major of theater and German.
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. That could be...
Sue: But I really love horses, so veterinary medicine is still right there in the running.
Mike: You've been running with veterinary medicine? What happened to archaeology?
Frankie: That was two majors ago. Keep up.
Sue: Well, no, no, no, no, no. I haven't ruled out archeology yet, so here's what I'm thinking. A triple major with one minor. Or better yet... a quadruple major. My adviser says no one has ever quadruple majored, but no one had landed on the moon before someone did it. [gasps] Astronomy!

Sue: Okay, people, I need your help. This is serious. All hands on deck.
Frankie: Sue, you can't just burst in here. We could have been... watching TV.

Mike: Okay, now, before we start, it is important to remember... [tires screech, engine revs as Brick reverses the car off the driveway at speed]
[later, Mike returns to the kitchen:]
Mike: You're up. [keys jingle]
Frankie: Wow, that was fast. Anything I should know?
Mike: The Lord's Prayer. Frankie, wait. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
[later, Frankie is in the car with Brick:]
Frankie: Well, I don't know what went wrong with your dad, but that's not gonna happen with me because I am much more laid-ba... Aah! [tires screech, engine revs as Brick reverses the car off the driveway at speed]

Axl: Watch your head, dude. Whoo! [throws bag] All right. Laundry done. So, how's it going? That one of Mom's nightstand cookies?
Brick: I want to practice my driving, but Mom and Dad are never around.
Axl: Driving? Got to be 15 to get your permit.
Brick: I am 15.
Axl: Thought you were 12.

Brick: Are you sure about this? I'm about to drive your house.
Axl: Hey, if you can handle the 'Bago, you can handle anything. It's like my theory on math. If you start with calculus, then the rest of it... like adding and subtracting... will come easy.
Brick: I didn't know that you knew calculus.
Axl: I don't 'cause they didn't start with it. [engine starts] All right, we'll just strap in and then... Whoa! Easy there, Earnhardt. I got some meatballs cooking back there in a Crock-Pot. [horn honks]
Brick: Um, where's the turn signal on this?
Axl: Who cares? That's the beauty of the 'Bago. People just get out of your way.

Frankie: [loudly] Mike, the dryer's doing that thing again! Come in here and I'll show you! [whispers] Come here.
Mike: [whispers] What?
Frankie: Okay, I just brought you in here to get out of earshot.
Mike: Oh, so the dryer's not really broken?
Frankie: Oh, it's definitely broken. I just didn't want Sue to overhear us.
Mike: Oh. Should we be concerned about how much we hide from our kids?