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‘The Diaper Incident’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: The Diaper Incident

203. The Diaper Incident

Aired October 6, 2010

When Frankie goes to the store get diapers for Sue's baby-sitting job, she is horrified when a store clerk assumes she is shopping for adult diapers. Meanwhile, Sue develops a crush on Sean Donahue.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, men live by an unspoken code. You shake, not hug. You never pay to have something done you can do yourself, and you don't go to the doctor unless... Well, you don't go to the doctor.
Mike: I'm not going to the doctor.
Frankie: Come on. Just go in for a physical. Look, they're raising our deductible next month, so if you're gonna get a horrible disease, get it now while it's still cheap.
Mike: Hey, if something comes along, I can take care of it myself.
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike's school of medicine was not the same as mine.
[montage:]
Mike: My heart just stopped. Oh, there it goes.
Mike: When did this mole get here? [cuts it off with a knife]
Mike: Shoulder popped out again. [bangs it against the wall] Aah! That's better.

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Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Okay, wait. You think I need diapers? Oh, this is just... Oh, my God. How old do you think I am?
Stock Boy: Is it okay if don't answer that?
Frankie: Look, I might sneeze-pee once in a while, but I don't need diapers. Do you see any gray there? No! That's 100% chestnut brown.
Stock Boy: That's over in aisle 12.
Frankie: I mean, come on. These are for... [puts on glasses] Geriatric bladder control. Do I look geriatric? I could easily have a baby. I choose not to. These are for old, creaky people who are way older than me. [to an old woman] Not you. I'm sorry. I-I'm a little flustered. I have a daughter with a dripping baby.
Old Woman: I understand. I'm a grandma, too.
Frankie: I'm not a grandma! Just take me to the diapers... For babies. Which I could have!

Quote from Brick

Brick: Hello, mother. I just took a walk around the block with wet hair and swallowed a watermelon seed at lunch. Pneumonia? No. Watermelon growing in my belly? No. Quite the tangled web, isn't it? [whispers] Tangled web.
Frankie: Yeah, but that pneumonia thing is real! You just got lucky.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: Okay, Brick, here's the thing. Lying is absolutely 100% bad. It's just that sometimes you do it to protect people that you care about. Like when somebody gets a bad haircut, You still say, "Nice haircut."
Brick: Well, if you didn't want me to get a candy bar, why couldn't you just say no?
[flashback:]
Brick: But why not? But why not? But why not? But why not? But why not?
[present:]
Frankie: [to Brick] It's just, sometimes a little lie makes life easier. You get it?
Mike: Whoa. Why aren't you ready? What's going on? Why is all this water on the floor?
Brick: I found a spider under the porch. It was a golden silk orb weaver, so I brought it in to show mom, but I accidentally dropped it in the tub, and she freaked out, so I tried to get it out before it drowned, but it was too late, so I flushed it, which means if you want to see it, now you can't, because it's gone. Nice haircut.
Frankie: [v.o.] I didn't know whether to be impressed or horrified. My son had lied for me. I was in the clear. Except I forgot one little thing. Brick had a tell.
Brick: [whispers] I'm lying.

Quote from Frankie

Mike: You said you'd be dressed a half-hour ago. What's the hold-up?
Frankie: [sobs] I can't get out. I hurt my back plugging something in, and I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to think I was old and pathetic, and look at me. I can't get out of the tub. I tried, and the whole curtain came down.
Mike: Have you been drinking wine in the tub again?
Frankie: Mike, somebody thought I needed diapers. Can you believe that? I always thought that we would grow old together, but I'm way ahead of you! I don't care what Dr. Oz says. Women absorb all the stress in marriage. Just ask Mrs. Dr. Oz! Do you even know the family's whole schedule... That Sue has cross-country from 3:00 to 5:00, and that Brick has the bookmobile every Saturday at 11:00? It takes a toll, Mike! I didn't ever remember our anniversary. Back, brain, bladder... That's how it goes.
Mike: Okay. Grab onto somethin'.
Frankie: Ow. Just go find a new wife. Be happy. Don't worry about me. I'll just be here, falling apart before my time. Just do me a favor. Plug everything in before you go.
Mike: Stop it, Frankie.
Frankie: Yeah. Look at... Look at my feet! I have the feet of a 90-year-old woman!
Mike: You're just pruny from the water. You're not falling apart.
Frankie: Oh, yeah, says the man in perfect health Who's carrying me like a fireman in his prime!

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [v.o.] It actually turned out to be one of our best anniversaries ever. We laid in bed, ate pizza, and watched When Harry Met Sally.... And then a couple of days on a heating pad later...
Sue: You feelin' better, mom? You about ready to get up?
Frankie: I think I'm gonna need another day. My back's still hurting pretty bad.
Frankie: [v.o.] [whispers] I'm lying.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: Mike, you can't just slap duct tape on everything anymore. You're getting older. You got to have regular checkups. I get 'em.
Mike: Yeah, but you've got all that lady stuff going on.
Frankie: Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you creak.
Mike: I creak?
Frankie: [imitates creak] And Dr. Oz says, men age faster. And that salt and pepper you got there... Gettin' heavy on the salt.
Mike: 'Cause I don't goop on color with a plastic glove and a squirt bottle like some people.

Quote from Axl

Frankie: So what are you boys up to?
Axl: We're gettin' our school on. We got this humongous science project. It's worth, like, half our grade, so I'm not gonna be able to do any chores this week.
Frankie: Mm, we'll try to get by.

Quote from Frankie

Sean: Little Brickster! Always a pleasure to see you. You want a candy bar? Here. I got another one.
Brick: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't wanna break the law.
Sean: What do you mean? It's not illegal for you to eat candy.
Brick: But my mom said...
Frankie: [v.o.] Oh, yeah.
[flashback:]
Brick: Can I get this?
Frankie: Put that down, Brick.
Brick: Why?
Frankie: Because the, uh... The president outlawed candy for kids under 10.

Quote from Brick

Brick: You lied to me? My own mother lied to me?
Frankie: Listen, Brick, here's the thing...
Brick: Do you know how many letters I wrote to the president? He probably thinks I'm crazy! [whispers] Crazy.

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