916. The Crying Game
Aired March 13, 2018
Mike is offered a promotion at the quarry. Brick suspects he is being punished by his health teacher because Axl was horrible in her class. Meanwhile, Frankie feels like she needs a good cry.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, I did not have a good day. I just wanna get out in front of this... I might be getting a very bad grade in health. But it's not my fault. My teacher has it in for me.
Frankie: All right, tell me all about it.
Brick: Well, I thought my reproductive-system test would've brought up my grade, but turns out, I miscalculated. I thought I had two ovaries, but apparently that's not what mine are called.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: [v.o.] So Axl set out to help his brother and ask his old teacher to show Brick a little mercy.
Axl: Hi. Mrs. Kozicki? Axl Heck.
Mrs. Kozicki: I know who you are.
Axl: Right. Right. Um, look, this might be a bit overdue, but I know I didn't really return my baby in the best condition, so I just wanted to apologize.
Mrs. Kozicki: The baby? That's just the start. Look. [pulls down chart of "Female Reproductive System"] Your little flying butt men, in permanent marker. Not only is this destructive, but it sends a very confusing message about the human anatomy.
Axl: All right, that's my bad. But I just wanted to say...
Mrs. Kozicki: You ditched my class, you snored through my safety videos, and I can't even count how many times I walked in here to find Resusci-Annie and the skeleton in compromising positions.
Axl: Wow. Okay. Well, first of all, you have a very good memory. And yeah, I was kind of a tool back then, but I'm not that guy anymore. I have a really good job now.
Mrs. Kozicki: Uh-huh. You say you're working, and yet it's the middle of the day and here you are. Obviously you're putting the same effort into your job as you did my class.
Axl: Okay. Maybe I didn't come to your class 'cause it sucked. Yeah. I screwed around a lot. I admit it. But anybody can teach the dorks who want to learn. Isn't trying to reach guys like me the whole reason you took this job? And here I am, all these years later, trying to say sorry, and you're still treating me like crap. Well, maybe you should've been a better teacher! How about that?! Nobody likes you, Jody! Oh, why did I come here again? Oh! Also... [sighs] Don't fail my brother.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Oh! Mrs. K! Ahh! Ooh, it's so great to see you! I have missed you! Okay, I have been meaning to visit, but I have been so busy with college and applying for internships and my no-cut a cappella.
Mrs. Kozicki: I'm sorry. Who are you?
Sue: Sue. Sue Heck.
Mrs. Kozicki: Axl and Brick's sister?
Sue: Yes, but also Sue Heck... your student.
Mrs. Kozicki: Does not ring a bell.
Sue: Pbht. What? But we were really close. Remember? I made you that pencil cup holder that said "Have a Healthful Day"? [chuckles] You were in my high-school collage of my favorite high-school memories.
Mrs. Kozicki: Oh. Look, I've had a lot of students over the years. I can't remember every one.
Sue: Well, you should. Because they remember you. You know, teachers are so important to students during their formative years.
Mrs. Kozicki: Yeah, I guess you didn't really distinguish yourself.
Sue: Didn't distinguish myself?! I pulled your dog out of your boiling car in the parking lot. I gave him mouth to mouth. I saved his life.
Mrs. Kozicki: Well, I thought that was Anna Hajarajanaan.
Sue: I cannot believe how hurtful you're being. You know, kids look up to teachers. You are supposed to help mold students' lives, but you're not doing anything. Well, if I had any interest in becoming a teacher, I would come in here and just take your job! You're a disgrace to that apple that's not on your desk! I am gonna go home right now and crack open that Lucite and take you out of my collage! Oh, and please don't fail my brother.
Quote from Frankie
Sue: You know, it's just not fair. Sometimes as a kid, you are just at the mercy of the school system. Like when you get a "C" on a paper because a teacher was too tired when she read it. Or you don't make treasurer because your adviser doesn't turn in the recommendation form on time! I mean, that didn't happen to me... I didn't get the votes... but it could.
Brick: Exactly! How am I supposed to get a good grade with a baby that shorts out under florescent lights? She's trying to sabotage me.
Sue: I mean, we're all just trying to do our best, right?
Axl: Yeah, but you can't do that if some crabby old bat on a power trip wants to screw you over.
Frankie: Oh, my God. Stop the whining. News flash... life's not fair. Sometimes you get a bad teacher, sometimes you get a bad boss. There's always gonna be mean people in your life. That's just the way it is. So you just gotta suck it up and deal with it. That's how the world works.
Brick: Yeah, but it's not my fault I got this crappy baby.
Frankie: Trust me, sometimes you don't get the baby you want. You gotta love it anyway. [exits]
Brick: Which one of us do you think she was talking about?
Frankie: [o.s.] All of you!
Quote from Brick
Mrs. Kozicki: Brick. Could I speak to you for a minute? Look, if you have a problem with me or my class, you should come talk to me instead of sending in your siblings.
Brick: Look, I didn't want to complain and say things aren't fair, but it kinda seems you don't like my brother and sister, so you're taking it out on me.
Mrs. Kozicki: What? No. This isn't about anything Axl or... I'm sorry. I'm drawing a blank.
Mrs. Kozicki: Right. It's not about anything they did. Look, if I seem annoyed by you it's because of that thing you did at the beginning of the year.
Brick: What thing?
Mrs. Kozicki: I saw you lick my car.
Brick: The brown Chevy? The white Tercel? I lick a lot of cars.
Mrs. Kozicki: You do? I thought it was an act of aggression toward me.
Brick: What?! Oh, no. It's just a quirk. I'm working on it.
Mrs. Kozicki: Huh. Well, that's different. I-I guess I shouldn't have taken it so personally. [Brick grabs his bag] Actually, hold on, Brick. I... I know that you're at a slight disadvantage with that baby. There might be a better one in the box if you wanna swap it out.
Brick: No, that's okay. Somebody's gotta love the weird ones.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [sobs] [scoffs]
Mike: You okay there?
Frankie: I'm trying to make myself cry, so I'm listening to the theme from Ice Castles. And it's not working!
Mike: If you wanna cry, can't you just think about your life?
Frankie: I've tried. It's frustrating. I've needed a good cry all week, and I keep getting cry-blocked.
Mike: Well, what were you so upset about?
Frankie: I don't even know now.
Mike: If you can't remember what was upsetting you, what's the problem?
Frankie: Never mind, Mike. You're not gonna get it. You're not a crier.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] As soon as I had the chance, I decided to give the crying another go.
Frankie: [sighs] [squeals]
Mike: Frankie! [enters] Listen to this. The corporate guys stopped by.
Frankie: [gasps] Are they trying to take away your pretzels again?
Mike: No. It's not...
Frankie: [gasps] Are we gonna lose our health benefits?
Mike: No. Why are you guessing? Let me tell you. They offered me the regional manager job.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: And you're sure you wanna switch jobs now? You're not that far from retirement.
Mike: Pbbr. Have you seen my latest pension statement? I'm not leaving that place without a toe tag.
Frankie: Okay, all I'm sayin' is, you've been at the quarry forever, working with those guys forever. Leaving now would be a big change, and you're not exactly a big-change kind of guy.
Mike: Yeah, I know, but every day, I take the same road, eat the same lunch. This would be a chance to take a different road, eat a different lunch. Maybe it's time to shake up my routine.
Frankie: Sounds like you've made the decision.
Mike: I guess I have.
Quote from Brick
Axl: What the... [opens refrigerator and finds doll] Little Brick?
Brick: Oh, there it is. I've been looking for that.
Axl: What are you doing with Little Brick?
Brick: Wait. She gave me the baby you took care of when you were a sophomore? No wonder it's trashed.
Axl: Hey! Watch it. You are hurting Little Brick's feelings.
Brick: Her name is not Little Brick. She's a girl. I actually changed her diaper, which is more than you ever did. I'm calling her Little Axlina. And unlike you, I plan to be a good parent.
Axl: Oh. Well, I guess good parents leave their baby in the fridge.
Brick: I didn't mean to. I went in for a pudding cup and must've forgot.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Thanks for wrecking my baby, Axl. She's supposed to have a different cry for every need, but they all just sound like she's possessed by the devil. By any chance, do you know where her other arm is?
Axl: No. But let me give you a little parenting tip... swing it by its leg and hold it near the microwave. It likes that. [squirts cream into mouth]
Brick: Well, this is just perfect. How am I supposed to get a good grade with this mutant baby? Mrs. Kozicki already has a target on my back.
Axl: Bluck. Mrs. Kozicki. She used to hate me. [squirts cream into mouth]
Brick: Oh, my God. Now it all makes sense. She had a chip on her shoulder before I even set foot in her class. She thinks I'm just another horrible Heck male, and she gave me this baby as revenge. You're the reason she hates me. It's because she hated you first! You! You!