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Hecks on a Train

‘Hecks on a Train’

Season 6, Episode 12 -  Aired February 4, 2015

After Aunt Edie passes away, the Hecks board a train to South Dakota to take her to her final resting place. Frankie accuses Mike of not being a caring or nurturing man after he doesn't come to her aid when she trips. Meanwhile, Axl believes he was responsible for Aunt Edie's death, Sue works on her college application, and Brick decides to experience life outside his comfort zone by befriending a boy on the train.

Quote from Brick

Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.


Quote from Brick

Brick: Are you okay?
Axl: No, Brick, I'm not. I killed Aunt Edie.
Brick: I knew it! No one just drops dead at 96.

Quote from Axl

Axl: I didn't really kill her. Okay. Ugh. Look. Here's the thing. [sniffles] Ever since high school, whenever I had a test I wasn't ready for, or a paper due I didn't finish, I kinda used Aunt Edie to get out of it.
Axl: Anyway, we just found out last night, so I think I'm gonna need a little more time on my philosophy paper.
Philosophy Professor: Of course. And just remember, Axl, it was your aunt's shell she left on Earth.
Axl: It was her shell. So, like, three extra weeks?
Axl: Can't you see how guilty I feel about this?! If my hair wasn't such a perfect length, I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I used my aunt's life as a cheap excuse to get out of schoolwork, and by saying it so many times, I'm the reason she died. I killed her, Brick. I killed my aunt!

Quote from Brick

[As Frankie and Mike sleep on the train, Brick walks over and taps his mom on the shoulder]
Frankie: Stop patting me. It's over.
Brick: I made a friend.
Frankie: What? Where?
Brick: Here. He's this really cool guy named Travis, and he likes me.
Frankie: [gasps] Mike, wake up. Somebody likes Brick.
Mike: What? Who?
Brick: It turns out I'm cool on trains.
Mike: That's great, Brick.
Frankie: So what do you and Travis talk about?
Brick: Nothing. I figured out all I have to do is repeat what the other person says and then add the word "cool." All these years I've been repeating myself when I should've been repeating other people. [whispers] Repeating other people. Travis reminded me to have breakfast with him when the dining car opens. Can I go?
Mike: If he's buying, order extra and bring some back.
Brick: Bring some back. Cool. Magic, am I right?

Quote from Axl

Sue: It's true, Axl. I did apply to your school, but I'm sorry. I just love East Indiana so much. [Axl groans] I love the campus. I love the rotunda. They have a really good psychology department.
Axl: Ow! It's like acid in my ears!
Sue: See? I knew we should have told him right when I told you guys.
Axl: Oh, my God. You knew about this? You two supposed adults let this happen?
Frankie: All right, listen, when Sue told us, Dad and I called a family meeting. We decided there was no sense in telling you the news unless she got accepted.
Axl: You had a family meeting without me?!
Frankie: [sighs] All right. I know this is coming out of the blue, but if you really think about it, is this honestly that big a deal?
Axl: It's a huge deal! College is supposed to be the best four years of my life, and now two of those years are gonna be with Sue. I'll be at a party being awesome, and in walks Sue with her big tubey water head. This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a person!
Mike: I think your Aunt Edie might disagree with that.
Sue: Okay, stop freaking out, Axl. I'm probably not even gonna get in. They think I wanna shoot at cars.
Axl: Oh, no. They're gonna want another Heck. I'm like royalty up there. Well, guess what? She may be going there, but I'm not. I'm getting off this train and starting my new life in... Bear's Neck, South Dakota! That's where I'll be living out my life. I am outta here! Thanks for 20 crappy years!

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: There they are. That's them.
Mike: What the hell?
Frankie: Thanks so much! Oh! Oh! I'm here. I'm okay. I'm okay. So sorry if I worried you guys, but when the train left without me, I couldn't get a signal, and there was nobody at the train station, and the office with the phone in it was locked. So I just started walking. I mean, I cried a little bit first, but all I could think was, I am gonna freeze to death out here, and my husband and my kids are trying to call me, and they can't reach me, and they're just gonna hold out hope until some soybean farmer finds my partially thawed corpse in the spring. [chuckles] Oh... my... God. You didn't even notice I was gone, did you?!
Axl: What?
Sue: We were so worried.
Brick: I didn't...
Mike: Of course we did. [goes to hug Frankie] Aw!
Frankie: Get your patty hands off me!

Quote from Brick

Mike: What's with the book? Thought you were living life.
Brick: Yeah, it's not for me. I decided there's two types of people in the world: people who are meant to live their life to the fullest and people who are meant to read about those people. I'm the latter.

Quote from Mike

Mike: I still don't know why we didn't just drive.
Frankie: Because you do for family. This is our final show of respect. We're not just gonna ship her off like luggage.
Brick: So where is she now?
Mike: She's resting comfortably in cargo.

Quote from Brick

Axl: What are you doing?
Brick: I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm living life. [Axl groans] Look at all the dead trees and brown grass. I can't believe I've been missing all of this.
Axl: Mm. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening.
Brick: What?
Axl: My phone! It was working just a minute ago, and now it's completely out of juice. [groans] Trapped on a 20-hour train ride to South Dakota with no phone and just my family to talk to. [gasps] It's Aunt Edie. She's getting her revenge. I've killed her so many times. Now she's killed my phone.
Brick: You don't need a screen to look at, Axl. You're looking at the best screen ever... Iowa in the winter. [Axl groans] Soak it in, my friend. Soak it in.

Quote from Sue

Frankie: Honey, can't you just tell the school you accidentally sent it?
Sue: It's not just one school. It's the common app. This went to every school I applied to.
Frankie: Well, just relax. I'm sure there's something we can do.
Sue: What can we do? Can we turn off the internet? Is there a button for when the train lurches and you accidentally hit "Send"? Is there a computer expert on this train who specializes in college applications?!

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