Mike: All right, what's with the getup?
Frankie: What, this? Oh, just enjoying some of my past Mother's Day gifts... My awesome yellow pants, my "First Mom on the Moon" t-shirt, and, of course, my macaroni necklace that says, "To mom, love Keira." I can only feel bad for Keira's mom. Who knows what she got?
Mike: Okay, I get it. I get it. We may not have always hit it out of the park, but I got plenty of time this year to get it right. When is Mother's Day?
Frankie: Sunday. And my mom's coming down, so it better not be lame.
Mike: Oh, not a chance of that. If anything, I'm worried it's gonna be too good, so just be prepared to get everything you want. What exactly do you want?
Frankie: [scoffs] You suck. My Country 'tis of Tea... You know the little tea place we pass by and I always say is so cute? Well, I heard that they are having a proper afternoon tea for Mother's Day. Finger sandwiches and cloth napkins. It's gonna be very classy and very elegant, and that's what I want.

Frankie: Well, it's official. I'm a crappy mom.
Mike: Does this mean Sunday's off?
Frankie: I'm serious, Mike. I was talking to Sue, and I'd asked her if there was anything different she'd do when she had kids...
Mike: Why do you go looking for trouble?
Frankie: And she said she'd be more organized. [sighs] And do you blame her? I mean, when you're auditioning for Cabaret with only one character shoe 'cause your mom forgot to put the other shoe in your bag, who do you think's gonna get the part? The girl with the good mom, not Sue.
Mike: Maybe it made her stronger?
Frankie: [scoffs] That's B.S., and you know it. Look at this drawer. Yep, this is the kind of mother I am. Oh, silverware, panty liners, stamps, a roll of film... Oh, my Fitbit!
Mike: Frankie, it's the junk drawer.
Frankie: You know what? These aren't the junk drawers. This is the junk drawer. Yeah, happy Mother's Day, Frankie. You screwed up your kid, and that's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life.
Mike: Hey, did you peek at the card we got you?

Frankie: How about you? When you're a mom, is there anything you'd do different?
Sue: What do you mean?
Frankie: Well, you know, my mom always did things I said I'd never do as a parent. So are there things you'd do different from me when you have kids?
Sue: Oh, no. Mom, you're perfect.
Frankie: [laughs] I don't know about perfect, but... No, really, there's nothing you'd change?
Sue: Nope. Well, I guess sometimes I wish you'd been more organized.
Frankie: Oh. Okay. Just 'cause I remember never having the permission slips to go on field trips, and it'd be kind of embarrassing 'cause I was the only one. Or sometimes when I would try out for things, I wouldn't have what I needed, so instead of pom-poms, I would have to do a cheer waving around a pair of dirty gym socks.
Frankie: Okay, got it, got it, got it.
Sue: So, yeah. I guess I just think it'd be super important to be organized. That's the kind of mom I'd want to be.
Frankie: Okay, good. I really need to concentrate on my driving right now.

Sue: Okay, so now we just got to find the ones she likes so we can put them in the rack and wrap them up nice. Look for anything with Sandra Bullock or the royal baby or the ones where people lose half of themselves.
Axl: [gasps] Hey! Mom and Dad have been sneaking good toilet paper in here. [gasps] It feels like a pillow for your butt. No wonder Dad always comes out of here whistling.
Sue: Oh, my God. Mom already has a magazine rack. Oh! And it's the exact one we got her!
Brick: Oh, just give her the new one and then take this one to our bathroom.
Sue: Nope, nope, nope. We got to go back right now and get her something else.
Axl: Oh, this is impossible. The woman already has everything. Why must we continue to spoil her?

Mike: Okay, apparently Mother's Day is Sunday, and this year, you got to kick it up a notch.
Brick: Excuse me. Why do we never have secret meetings in my room?
Mike: 'Cause your brother's feet stink.
Axl: Oh. Really? I don't smell it.
Mike: Just take our word for it.

Mike: Okay, guys, here's the deal. She's your mom, so this year you guys are getting the gift. [kids groan]
Axl: Oh, what the... [scoffs]
Mike: Hey, you're grown up now. You're 21. You're 18. You're...
Brick: Really, Dad?
Mike: You know how old you are. And we got to do better than the "Mom on the Moon" t-shirt. That's the bar.
Axl: Oh, that shirt was awesome. Hey, I saw this "Cave Mom" one with a cave lady...
Mike: No, no mom t-shirts of any kind. You guys got to bring it this year. I got my job. I'm booking the reservation at the tea place she wants to go to. And, yes, we all have to go. I checked. Now get cracking on that gift.
[After Mike leaves, Axl and Brick turn to Sue]

Frankie: Ooh, I saw they sent the course catalog from East Indy state.
Sue: Yeah! Oh, my god. They have such interesting classes. I know I said I wanted to be a psychologist, but it would be so fun to be a vet. But I hear that's really hard.
Frankie: Sue, don't limit yourself. If there's something you decide to do, go for it.
Sue: Really?
Frankie: Oh, absolutely. You know, my mom was always telling me to play it safe and be practical, so I said to myself when I had kids, I would not limit them that way. So, to hell with practical, Sue. Your future is wide open. You got to reach for the stars.
Sue: "Paging Dr. Sue Sue Heck. The elephant is sick." [chuckles]

Sue: Okay, let's all get out our lists. Really, guys?
Axl: Sue, it's not that hard. Let's just get her some food she likes.
Brick: She does like ham and frosting.
Axl: Let's get her ham and frosting. We could make her ham-frosting rolls. Boom. Done.
Sue: Perfect. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful tribute to the woman who can't even wear a two-piece anymore because of the stretch marks we left her with.
Axl: Fine. Un-boom. Not done.

Axl: Hey. Hello. Check this out. Could they make it any easier for us? Pre-selected mom gifts right in this bin.
Brick: How about cowboy-boot cleaner?
Axl: I love it. What do you say, Sue? I really think this is it.
Brick: Mm.
Axl: All right. Um... Ooh. What about this? A bowl for watermelon that looks like a watermelon?
Sue: No, I specifically remember mom saying she does not like bowls for things that look like the thing.
Axl: [gasps] Wow. Hey, check this out. This is, like, nice.
Sue: Magazine rack for the bathroom? Hmm? She does have a lot of magazines.
Brick: Plus, she's been spending a lot more time in the bathroom lately. [off their looks] Hey, we've all noticed.

Sue: Okay, it's hard to know what she has in that house, so let's just get her something personal.
Brick: Hey, this looks like a real diamond, and it's only 7 bucks.
Sue: When have you ever seen a real diamond?
Brick: When has mom? Ooh. This turquoise looks pretty. It'll match her eyes.
Sue: Mom doesn't have blue eyes.
Axl: Yeah, but she does have that blue vein in her neck when she gets mad.
Sue: [gasps] Right.
Axl: Oh, perfect. 30 bucks, and it'll match her mad vein. Done.