Axl: We sold 20 jars of this barbecue sauce, so if that's not a sign I should drop out of college, I don't know what is.
Mike: Yeah, well... [turns the stove off] Take this is a sign that that's not happening.
Axl: What...
Mike: Heck Brothers are done.
Axl: If Paul Newman had you for a dad, he never would have invented salad dressing, and no one would know who he is. Dream squasher!

Mike: Okay, Axl, you've wasted enough time on this. Don't you have some schoolwork you should be doing?
Axl: How should I know? I haven't been to class. [scoffs]
Mike: What?
Axl: Dad, this is more important than any class. At a certain point, a person learns all they need to know, and classes just get in the way. As a matter of fact, I might not even be going back to college in the fall.
Mike: Oh, you'll be going back to college a lot sooner than the fall. You're going tomorrow.
Axl: Come on, think about all the people who dropped out of college and made it big. Mark Zuckerberg...
Brick: Mm-hmm.
Axl: Bill Gates, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Mike: There's a lot of highway between a computer that changes the world and barbecue sauce in a bag.

Sean: Surprise, Susie Q, I've got good news. Someone I know is going to her prom.
Sue: What?
Sean: My mom was talking to your mom, and she said you didn't have a date, so I rescheduled a test and bailed on the intramural flag football championship and drove straight down here from Notre Dame 'cause I was not about to let Sue Heck not go to her senior prom.
Sue: Oh, um, Sean, that is so nice. So nice. But someone I work with actually asked me to prom, and I said yes!
Sean: Oh! Okay. That's fine. I'll just drive back. I might stop by and have a little chat with my mom about communication first, but it's all good. The important thing is, you're going to prom with someone else.
Sue: I am so, so sorry. I really...
Sean: No, that's okay. I'm a Donahue. I will smile through this 'cause we smile through everything.
Sue: Okay, well, um, I'm so sorry, again. I'm so sorry. That was so nice. Sorry. [closes door]
Sean: [o.s.] Mom!

Brick: You know, there's a million books about how to deal with your kids, but there's no books about how to deal with your parents.
Axl: Hey, you might be onto something. Forget barbecue sauce. That could be our next project.
Brick: Really?
Axl: Yeah. You like books. You could write it, and I'd look good on the cover. "How to Deal with your Problem Parents" by the Heck Brothers. "Chapter one... Living with a Dream Squasher."
Brick: Mm-hmm.
Axl: [laughs] "Chapter two... Living with a Nag."
Brick: That's Mom.
Axl: Yeah. "Chapter three... Living with a Nag and a Dream Squasher."
Brick: So, both of them.

Axl: Now, what you want is eye-level placement. That's your premium shelf.
Brick: Huh. I'm gonna turn these bottles around so that way, people can't read the labels.
Axl: Now you're getting it, Brick.
Brick: Yeah.
Manager: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Axl: Hi, I'm Axl Heck. We just happen to have the best barbecue sauce money can buy, and we have chosen the Frugal Hoosier as the flagship provider for our launch of Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce. We sold 11 jars of the stuff at the swap meet, so you know it's good.
Manager: Yeah, I don't know what you think you're doing, but there is a process to getting your food on the shelves. Is this stuff even FDA approved?
Axl: I'm sorry. I thought this was America.
Brick: Darn tootin'.

Mike: Do you understand what just happened?
Frankie: I don't care, as long as they're not fighting.
Mike: No, in the movie. Is he kidnapping her?
Frankie: No, she's the bad guy. Gary Cooper is the good guy.
Mike: Gary Cooper's been dead for 50 years.
Frankie: No, he was in The Hangover.
Mike: Bradley Cooper.
Frankie: That's what I meant. If you don't know that when I say Gary Cooper, I mean Bradley Cooper, then, like, what is this?
Mike: Let's just go back.

Axl: Well, would you like to try some of our Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce?
Brick: Goes on anything. It'd even make a rat taste good. [the man walks away]
Axl: [sighs] All right, how about you just let me talk from now on? All right, look, you're the inventor. I'm the marketing genius. Let's just stick to our strengths.
Brick: So what do I do, then?
Axl: Well, if you have to talk, wait until I say something, then say, "You got that right." It's an old-timey thing, you know? If you're really feeling it, throw in a "Darn tootin'" now and then.
Axl: Get your Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce. So fresh, tastes like it was made yesterday in your mom's kitchen.
Brick: Got that right. So fresh, it could cover a rat. [the woman walks away]
Axl: What is it with you and the rat, Brick? Look, we're not just selling barbecue sauce here. We are developing our brand. We're selling a lifestyle... Clothing, sunglasses, wakeboards.

Axl: Are you shopping for barbecue sauce?
Brick: Indeed I am, but there's just so many choices.
Axl: Hmm, well, I can tell you the best barbecue sauce I've ever tasted is this one. Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce.
Brick: Hmm, I do love a good family business.
Axl: Mm.
Brick: But I notice some of these other sauces are FDA approved.
Axl: Oh, they're FDA approved, all right, but if you're anything like me, you want the government out of your barbecue sauce. As soon as the government goes in, the flavor comes out.
Brick: That certainly makes a lot of sense to me. I'm going to buy two bottles.
Axl: Hmm. [the customer grabs a bottle of the sauce] Excuse me, ma'am. Uh, you don't pay for that at the register. It's old-timey. You pay for it in the alley.

Frankie: Mm, you smell good. Sour cream and onion?
Mike: Yeah, I had some chips. I had to. What was that dinner?
Frankie: I don't know. That bag was in the freezer so long, the lettering came off.
Mike: Might have been a cold pack.
Frankie: Mm-hmm.

Frankie: [v.o.] Date night... When parents take a moment away from the kids to rekindle their passion and remember why they fell in love.
Frankie: [sighs] No, that one's got shooting in it. And nothing in the future where someone's trying to save some future world or something. I want movies about now.
Mike: Well, if we're making rules, no period pieces about a guy in a cape walking through the fog. And nothing where somebody gets sick. No dying.
Frankie: I wish Billy Crystal would make another movie.
Man: [sighs]
Frankie: Hey, just hold your horses, okay? We don't usually do date night. This is kind of a big deal for us. [sighs] The Hundred-Foot Journey?
Mike: Eh. Taken 3?
Frankie: No. Annie?
Man: Uh-uh.
Frankie: Okay, we got to pick something. [machine chimes] No, no, no, no! I didn't... Oh.
Mike: What?
Frankie: Well, I guess we're watching The Five Crimes of Eleanor. Ooh, but it's got that guy from the thing we like. So, what do you say, one more lap around the samples, and we call it dinner?
Mike: You spoil me, baby.