804. True Grit
Aired November 1, 2016
Axl gives Sue advice on how to break up with her boyfriend Jeremy. Brick's attempt to fit in with his fellow high schoolers hits a snag when his friend Troy is noticed by the football team. Meanwhile, Frankie is embarrassed when she accidentally purchases underwear with a racy slogan.
Quote from Brick
Brick: I hope you told your mom not to wait for you for dinner. Font Club may run a little late tonight. We're having a raising Helvetica party.
Troy: I thought we were gonna discuss Garamond.
Brick: I'm saving that for Monday. Gara-Monday?
Troy: Ah, cool.
Quote from Brick
Mike: Uh, Brick, what's with the getup?
Brick: Oh, this? I've noticed high-school kids seem to be very into school pride. As you know, I live life on the periphery, on the fringes of fun. But I've decided, if I want to graduate having lived the high school experience, it will require total immersion.
Frankie: But you don't even like sports.
Brick: Correction... used to not like sports. Now all I care about is we beat the Bentonville Bears Friday night. The Bears are going down! I hate them based on their geographical location.
Mike: Good man.
Brick: In addition to sports cheering, I will also decorate my locker and perhaps participate in a school prank. One thing's for sure... count on a lot of selfies. You can follow my antics on social media. I've got this year down... like the Bears, who are going down. [chuckles]
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Excuse me. I would like to return an item. It's kind of... embarrassing. Obviously, I didn't mean to buy these.
Cashier: Obviously. [chuckles]
Frankie: Well, not that obviously. I mean, I could wear those.
Cashier: Oh, sure, of course. Back in the day, right? Anyway, let me just get a price check. Uh, Tiffany, can I get a price check on "I'd Hit That"?
Frankie: [clears throat] Well, no, no, no, no. Not just back in the day. I mean, it's still within the realm of possibility. [chuckles] There are people that have wanted to hit that before. Even recently. I mean, I have a loving husband. We have a good relationship. Sure, we get busy and tired, and we still have one kid at home. And I have stomach issues. They want me off the Dr. Pepper. I'm down to one. Otherwise, that would get hit a lot more.
Cashier: Well, we usually don't accept returns, but I'll make an exception because your story's so sad. So, do you want this on your credit card or cash?
Frankie: I-I-I'm sorry, I just feel like I really need to make a point here. I think, for a woman my age, I have kept myself in pretty good shape. I have been an inactive member of a ladies gym going on 22 years now. And yeah, sure, I hit the frosting every now and then, but I have been blessed with a fast metabolism.
Cashier: Look, if you want something more your style and more, you know, functional, you might try the Undergarment Garage. My mom loves it.
Frankie: Hey, I am not Undergarment Garage material. I am still vibrant. As a matter of fact, I will keep these underwear, and I will also take "Hashtag Hottie", "Twerk it", uh, "Party In My Pants"... and, uh, oh, no, no... this is disgusting. You should keep these in the back. Kids are walking by.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Anyway, at first, I was looking forward to going, but now I'm worried. What am I gonna say to a bunch of jocks? Can you give me some football terms to use so I don't embarrass myself trying to fit into the conversational bouquet?
Mike: Uh, first of all, I'd steer clear of "bouquet." Second, just talk about anything. Just be yourself.
Brick: Should I talk about Charlie Rose?
Mike: No. Why would you do that?
Brick: Well, I like his interviewing style. The way he takes one topic and really delves into it.
Mike: Um, just talk, like, uh, "Hey, what class are you in? Where'd you get those sneakers?"
Brick: You're giving me tall-guy advice. That all works coming from you. If I did it, I'm just the weirdo paying too much attention to people's shoes.
Quote from Brick
Mike: Okay, whatever. I'm just saying don't put so much pressure on it. Relax. You know a joke? Tell a joke.
Brick: I don't know any jokes.
Mike: Oh. Well, um... Okay, here's one I like. "Your mom is so ugly, when she goes to the zoo, she needs two tickets... one to get in and one to get out."
Brick: I don't understand.
Mike: Well, they're saying that she's so ugly they think she's an animal. So she needs... [chuckles] a ticket to get out of the zoo.
Brick: So, you're saying if an animal had a ticket, the zoo would just let it out? That's not safe. And how would he even carry a ticket with its hooves?
Mike: No, it... [sighs] You're missing the point.
Brick: Is the animal being let out of the zoo the joke part?
Mike: No! The woman is so ugly they think she's an animal. That's the joke.
Brick: Is it?
Brick: So I'm insulting someone's mother, animals are on the loose causing chaos in society, and the zoo is somehow charging people to leave. I'm sorry, there's just so much wrong with this, Dad. Thank you, but when it comes to talking to teenage football players, I'll take my chances with Charlie Rose.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Actually, I was amazing. Your zoo joke killed.
Brick: And when I asked the guys to explain why it was funny, I got an even bigger laugh. [Mike scoffs] And then it just got worse from there.
Mike: I don't get it. You talked to people. You came back wearing both your shoes. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you had a pretty good night.
Brick: Truly, it couldn't have gone better. I was witty, interesting. I used a curse word to great effect. But it was just... exhausting. All I could think about was how long before I could leave.
Mike: Uh, well, that explains the 8:30 pickup.
Brick: I don't know. I guess I wanted the whole high-school experience, but it ended up feeling like a lot of work.
Mike: Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, Brick. That's high school. You feel all this pressure to be social, go to parties, hang out with the right people. It gets a little easier in your 20s. You can go out or stay home. Then when you're 50, well, you can just stay home.
Brick: Oh, thank God. I wish I was 50.
Mike: Eh, there's trade-offs. Look, the main thing is you stepped up to the plate and you took a swing, and I'm proud of you. So, what's the plan for tomorrow? You want to stop at the hardware store after church, maybe grab a...
Brick: Dad, would you mind if we're just quiet for a little while?
Mike: I would not mind that at all. [exhales]
Quote from Lexie
Sue: Oh, my God. I have read the same sentence three times. This room is driving me crazy. Seriously, Lexie, I can't concentrate with the noise of that stupid trash chute. Not to mention the smell when somebody throws up in it.
Lexie: Come on, this is college, Sue. We're roughing it, doing it on our own. That's why, when my dad offered to put us in a super-fancy apartment at Gumford Falls, I said, "No, Daddy, it's time for this Daddy's little girl to grow up."
Sue: Is it, though?
Quote from Axl
Axl: Whoa! What a pit. [chuckles] My place doesn't have a roof, and it looks better than this.
Sue: Then why don't you go there? What do you want, Axl?
Axl: My tummy is rumblin'. I'm in between classes, so where is it? I know you guys must have some girl chocolate around here somewhere. Hm? No? Hm. Okay, Lexie, I can feel your eyes follow me around. I'm sorry, but I am taken.
Lexie: I'll try to restrain myself.
Axl: Well, it's not gonna be easy, 'cause I'm gonna bend over and look in this drawer down here. What do we got? Oh-ho! Go-diva.
Axl: Mmm, mmm, mmm, these look good.
Lexie: It's Godiva.
Axl: I said I'm taken.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Oh, Sue, by the way, your weirdo boyfriend is chained to a tree outside screaming about owls or something.
Sue: Ugh, Jeremy.
Axl: [gasps] What? Do I sense trouble in dork-adise, huh?
Lexie: She's over him.
Axl: Really? Why don't your break up with him, dummy? Hm? Bleugh. [spits out chocolate] Almonds. [rumbles]
Sue: Ugh. Well, I've tried breaking up with him. It's not that easy. [air rushing] I mean, when he puts his mind to something, he just does not give up. And you know how weak I am. Remember how hard it was for me to finally be honest with Darrin?
Axl: Sue, look... it's very simple, okay? [rushing stops] When I want to break up with someone... not like my current relationship, in which I am very happy, Lexie, seriously, you're embarrassing yourself... I let them break up with me.
Sue: What do you mean?
Axl: What I mean is guys don't like to break up, so when they want to end a relationship, they just act like a jerk until eventually the girls break up with them.
Sue: That seems kind of mean.
Axl: No, it's not mean, 'cause we're letting them do the breaking up, so it's actually quite kind. Mm. Ah. [can clinks] I got to bounce. Thank you for the chocolate. [points to Lexie] She is really making me feel uncomfortable.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: Hey, what's that on your butt?
Mike: There's some kind of message there.
Frankie: What? What are you talking about? I can't see anything. Huh. Wait. Oh, my God. I did not mean to get these.
Mike: If you say so.
Frankie: Seriously, do these look like something I'd buy? [Frankie's holds up underwear which reads "I'd hit that"]
Mike: I don't know. You buy T-shirts for those fun runs you never go on.
Frankie: No, no, they were all on this table... 5 for 20 bucks... so I just grabbed a handful. I bought all these normal ones. This must have got in by mistake. Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. I'm gonna have to return them.
Frankie: Right, I'm gonna wear something that says "I'd hit that." Come on, that's ridiculous. Boy, lesson learned... Never shop for underwear without your glasses.
Mike: Well, I guess if you need reading glasses to see the underwear, you should probably just go straight to diapers.