616. Flirting with Disaster
Aired March 4, 2015
Frankie enjoys talking with Axl's attractive friend, Finn, but her mood turns to panic when she fears they may have overheard her confessing her feelings to her sister. Meanwhile, Sue is forced to take Brick to a Planet Nowhere sci-fi convention, while Tag (Jerry Van Dyke) needs Mike's help when he is made to take his driving test again.
Quote from Brick
Brick: The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area...
Sue: Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left. I am trying to concentrate. Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Brick: Sorry. Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape?
Sue: Please. [tape rattling]
Brick: [on tape] But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser. [whispers] Pernovian laser.
Sue: Is that you?
Brick: Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape. I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
Brick: [on tape] As professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest...
Quote from Brick
Sue: Oh, my God. Did you see the guy dressed as Professor Faxon's robot? He had on working lights! I wonder if he had to plug in during lunch. Hmm. Hey, you're being kind of quiet. Are you thinking about your key?
Brick: Yeah, sorta.
Sue: But... I don't get it. Didn't you have fun today?
Brick: It was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Sue: So what's the problem?
Brick: It's you.
Brick: Yeah. Sue, today was amazing. I know you were forced to take me, but still, we hung out together, you talked to me. I mean, you understand Planet Nowhere now. I feel like someone in this family finally gets me, and it's right when you're about to leave for college.
Sue: Aw, Brick!
Brick: What's it gonna be like when you're gone?
Sue: Hey, I am gonna miss you tons. But you know what? You'll come visit me at college. I know Axl has the whole "no relatives" policy at his place, but mine is gonna be the opposite. You have to visit me.
Sue: Does a Silligan need iron oxide to survive?
Brick: [on tape] And with the Vernegos' triumph and the planet orbiting towards a new moon, Princess Kalakare bade goodbye to her home world, knowing not only would her loved ones miss her, but the entire planet as well, and they would all look forward to her return.
Quote from Tag
Tag: I wish I could get some onion rings, but I don't eat 'em anymore. I never can wait for 'em to cool and they burn my mouth. Ah, what the hell? This time will be different.
Quote from Tag
Mike: All right, uh, "How many feet do you have to signal ahead of turning? 50, 75, or 100?"
Tag: Fif... [Mike tilts his head] Sev... [Mike shakes his head] 100.
Tag: Ha! We got that one locked. [chuckles]
Mike: "When you see a pedestrian using a white and red-tipped cane, they are usually..."
Tag: A gay. [off Mike's look] What? What do they want to be called these days?
Mike: It's a blind person.
Tag: Blind and gay? It's gotta be tough.
Quote from Frankie
Nancy: Hi, Frankie! What are you measuring?
Frankie: Oh, I'm getting a new mailbox.
Nancy: Oh, great! Who's your contractor? We have a fantastic carpenter who did our gazebo. I can give you his number. Is there something that you might...
Frankie: Okay, okay, we're not getting a mailbox. [sighs] It's a little personal. I may have done something stupid. [sighs] Axl brought a cute friend home from school and he may have overheard me say I should be arrested for what I was thinking about him.
Nancy: [gasps] Oh, Frankie.
Frankie: I know! I'm so embarrassed! I mean, it was just a stupid thing that I said. I mean, okay, yeah, I was flirting with him a little bit. But it didn't mean anything. I would never have gone there. It's just that we had this connection. You know, we talked about music, and he thought I was funny. [chuckles] And you know what? Mike flirts with waitresses. You get him in a diner, and all of a sudden, he's George Clooney.
Quote from Frankie
Axl: Look, we're about to go, and I should probably talk to you about what happened in the car.
Frankie: Oh, God! You heard? I have been tortured by that all day. It doesn't mean anything. I would never do anything like that. Yes, your friend is cute, but I am very happy with your dad. Look, when I said I should be arrested for what I was thinking about Finn, I was just joking!
Axl: Ew! Ew! Ew! Stop talking.
Frankie: No, let me explain. I was talking to your aunt Janet. She and I have a ribald relationship and we say ribald things, that's all.
Axl: [stammers, flaps lips] Okay, first of all, gross. Second of all, barf. Third of all, I wanna rip my ears off and throw 'em back in the past before I ever heard you say that!
Frankie: Hey, I wasn't the only one. He was talkin' to me, too. Your dad flirts with waitresses.
Axl: Oh, my God! Get over yourself! Finn's been old lady bait for years. He'll stop and have a conversation with anybody. He's just that kind of guy. The lunch lady gives him extra tater tots.
Axl: Anyway, uh, what I was gonna say was, I spilled a chocolate milkshake in your car. See? Oh, yeah, I could still wear these. Your floor mats took the worst of it. All right. [exhales slowly] We're gonna go. Um... Wow, Mom. [scoffs] Just... wow.
Frankie: [v.o.] So just like that, I went from being a flirty, music-lovin' hip thing to a lunch lady, all in one weekend. Maybe I'll take a stroll by the bank where that old security guard always hits on me. At least she thinks I'm hot.
Quote from Tag
Mike: Yeah. So, Tag, this isn't another "we should get together every week" thing, is it?
Tag: No, no, this is a one-and-done.
Mike: I like the done part, what do you need?
Tag: Well, here's the deal, Mike. It looks like I'm about to lose my driver's license.
Mike: Oh. Tag, what'd you do?
Tag: Nothing big. Everybody's alive, but the bastards want me to retake my driver's test.
Mike: Oh, I'm with the bastards on this one. What did Pat say?
Tag: Oh, she doesn't know. Don't tell her. I mean, I'm like a God to her.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Hang on. Isn't Sue still being punished for the quarry party?
Frankie: I don't know. How long did we say?
Mike: I don't remember either. But, hey, we're desperate, it's worth a shot.
Mike: Hey, Sue! Get in here! So you're still being punished...
Sue: I know, I know. I was reckless and irresponsible and I only hope that one day...
Mike: Okay, okay, we don't have to relive it. As part of your punishment, you're gonna drive your brother to the Planet Nowhere convention tomorrow in Indy.
Sue: Wow. That's harsh. But you know what? I deserve it.
Mike: You bet you do.
Frankie: Wow. That worked out well. How much longer do you think we've got?
Mike: I don't know. I say we ride this pony till it drops.
Quote from Sue
Sue: We are here to claim our Sacred Key.
Oracle: Mm, sorry, we're closing for the day. Princess Kalakare's sitter has to go home at 6:00.
Brick: No! So this is how my quest ends, just steps away from Princess Kalakare. Why did I think my fate would be any different than Gackos the Tatossian?
Sue: No! [clears throat] This is my brother, and you have to let him pass. We drove all the way from Orson to get here. He has read every Planet Nowhere book three times!
Oracle: So? So has everyone here.
Sue: Look, Planet Nowhere is about inclusiveness and perseverance. Wherever Planet Nowhere lies, it'll always be home. And that's why all these people come here! To be home! And to follow a quest as important as that, you cannot be denied.
Oracle: That's not what it is about at all.
Brick: It really isn't.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] Technology. It's moving faster than ever, unless you're in Orson.
Mike: We just gotta match it with a frequency on your FM station, and we should be all set.
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike bought me a Bluetooth at the McVaney's garage sale 'cause for some reason, he thought I needed a hands-free phone.
[flashback to Frankie talking on the phone and eating chips while she drives:]
Frankie: [mouth full] Hold on. I'm gonna put you on speaker. [beep] Okay, here we go. Now what were you saying? [tires screech] [Frankie's phone flies out the window as she turns a corner] Oh, great.
Mike: Remember, it's synced to your phone. So if you're in the car, or even near the car, the Bluetooth will kick in, and you'll hear everything over the car speakers.
Frankie: Ooh, fancy!
Mike: Yeah. It was in a dollar bin of pagers and 8-track tapes. I don't think "fancy" is the right word.