Brick: Good morning, Mom.
Frankie: Morning.
Brick: You sleep okay?
Frankie: Actually, I did.
Brick: Glad to hear it. I'm having cereal. Can I get you anything?
Frankie: [v.o.] Hang on. A 5-line volley from Brick without reading, random change of subject, or whispering? [Frankie gasps] Just what I thought.
Frankie: You're burning up.
Frankie: [v.o.] See, fever kind of mellows out Brick's quirks. The more normal he acts, the sicker he is. And that's what kicked off the Heck plague of 2011.
Frankie: Axl, keep your tongue dow- [Axl coughs in Frankie's face]
Sue: Uh-oh. I'm gonna throw up.
Frankie: No, no, no! I just vacuumed. Here, in my hands.
Frankie: [v.o.] But this year was different than the plague of 2010. 'cause no matter how much snot I had to wipe, or barf I had to catch, there was a bright, shining light at the end of this mucousy tunnel... The Royal Wedding.

Axl: I thought you were just taking us sneaker shopping. You lied. You're a big liar!
Frankie: Yeah, well, I thought you would be so grateful for your new sneakers, that you'd understand if I need to make one little stop for myself.
Axl: You don't know me at all!
Frankie: Excuse me? Hi. I'm looking for something to clean the sticky gunk off my TV.
Salesman: Uh, sure. Screen cleaners are right over here.
Frankie: Oh. And, um, also, there's this yellow glowing blob in the inside of the screen, but not on channels 2 and 5 and sometimes there's these lines that go across, but sometimes they go up and down, but those go away when I'm running the microwave, but the microwave doesn't work unless I'm shooting the hair dryer at it. You have something for that?
Salesman: Yes, we do. It's called a new TV. [laughs]

Frankie: [v.o.] And that's how a little mnemonic device like "news" ballooned into...
Sue: "NEWSBENJIVERTS." My brother came up with "NEWS," but I came up with "BENJIVERTS."
Samantha: Now our third and final candidate, Sue Hickey.
Frankie: [v.o.] That's when Sue introduced the world to "NEWSBENJIVERTS." B for "blink less"...
Sue: Happy Thursday, fellow shuckers.
Frankie: [v.o.] E for "enunciate"...
Sue: The flooded auditorium-uh will be drain-uh-d in time for the spring muh-usical.
Frankie: [v.o.] N for "nodding"...
Sue: And kudos to the girls soccer team for defeating the other team from...
Frankie: [v.o.] And who could forget V for "very big gestures"?
Sue: I'm Sue Heck, and that's what the Heck's go... [knocks over glass of water and microphone] On.
Samantha: Cut to black! Cut to black!

Frankie: Oh, you think this is funny? Is this all some sort of joke?
Mike: Come on, Frankie. Lighten up.
Frankie: No! You lighten up! All you've done this past week is smirk and laugh and make fun of me, and what have I done for you? Wipe your snot, carry your vomit, take you sneaker shopping because your old ones weren't awesome enough! How dare Mom ever want anything for herself? To celebrate that a girl could start the day as a commoner and end it as a princess. "Oh, ha ha. It's stupid. It doesn't matter." Well, it matters to me! Yeah. And I don't have to explain it or justify it to any of you. That's right. There's no historical significance. I just think it's pretty!
Mike: Jeez, Frankie, calm down. You're getting all bloodshot.
Frankie: Oh, no. You just don't get the needs of the common people, do you, Mike? Pretzels aren't important. Royal weddings aren't important. Oh, not like football! Do I talk smack about all this Colts stuff that you get? No. But I buy one little plate, and suddenly, I'm crazy! I'm obsessed- [Frankie smashes her commemerative plate with the remote] God. [sobs]
Axl: Who knew she cared so much about the royal wedding? She should have said something.

Mike: Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you really gonna put that there? I mean, I obviously don't care too much about how this house looks, but I got to draw the line somewhere.
Frankie: For your information, this is a commemorative collectible item of historical significance, that could one day pay for Axl's college.
Axl: [British accent] Oh, well, pardon me, Mum. I'll put another shrimp on the Barbie. [chuckle] Yes...
Frankie: All right, Sue's college.

Frankie: [v.o.] I can't believe it's this Friday already. I still have so much to do. Watch the 2-hour special on Kate Middleton's hairdresser, the Say Yes to the Dress royal retrospective.
Mike: Really? You're still on that thing?
Frankie: "Thing"? Uh, is the Super Bowl just a thing?
Mike: A thing people care about.
Frankie: This is the Super Bowl times a million, plus crowns. So nobody relapse. Not this week.

Brick: Well, you're really stiff, so try to act more natural.
Sue: Got it.
Brick: And every time you said the letter "n" or "m", they sounded the same, so really enunciate.
Sue: Nuh. Muh. Okay, next. I mean, next.
Brick: Couldn't hurt to smile more, either.
Sue: Smile more, act natural... And what was the other thing?
Brick: Enunciate.
Sue: What was the first thing?
Brick: Sue! Okay. Here's a mnemonic device to remember. "N" for "natural," "e" for "enunciate," "ws" for "winning smile." That spells "news."
Sue: Nice! This just in, you may now go the bathroom.

Mike: Frankie, I got some bad news for you. We're not British.
Axl: Yeah, we won the Civil War, so we don't have to care.
Mike: Look, I barely cared about our wedding. Tell me why this is such a big deal. What did this girl even do?
Frankie: Hello? She landed a prince! That means she's the fairest in the land. She's arriving in a car as a commoner, but she leaves in a carriage as a princess!
Axl: Princess of what? Seriously, is she even allowed to behead people?

Sue: [makes beeping sound] We interrupt your snack for a breaking bulletin. Sue Heck is gonna try out for the Shucker news team. What do you think about that?
Mike: Don't get your hopes up.
Frankie: Mike!
Frankie: I think Sue Heck will make a great addition to the Shucker news team.
Sue: And there you have it. Back to me. Can you believe it? I could be an anchor for the school news! Here, let me do a real headle. "Man found frozen in parking lot"! Oh, wait. I should read that sad. "Man found frozen--" I can't! I'm too excited! I'm gonna go think of sad things and then practice in the mirror. [screams]

Sue: Mom. What are you doing? That TV costs $3,000!
Frankie: Shh! It's just for the royal wedding.
Sue: But that's stealing.
Frankie: No. It's borrowing. I'm paying $25 to borrow it. So just be cool. You know what? Be over there.