709. The Convention
Aired December 2, 2015
With dental practice about to re-open as part of a national chain, Frankie and Dr. Goodwin are required to attend a convention in Des Moines by the company's inspiring founder, Dr. Samuelson (Cheryl Hines). Frankie invites Mike along for a romantic getaway as part of the expenses-paid trip. Axl moves back out of the Heck house and right into Sue's dorm room, much to her displeasure. Meanwhile, Mike's dad, Grandpa Big Mike (John Cullum), stays to look after Brick while his parents are out of town.
Quote from Dr. Goodwin
Frankie: Hey, Dr. Goodwin. Um, you said all expenses were being taken care of, right?
Dr. Goodwin: Yepperoonie.
Frankie: Oh, thank god. 'Cause we just got a bill by mistake for our room service and minibar charges.
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, no, now, they never pay for that. That's why I always bring my snack sack with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Frankie: But you said all expenses paid. That's what you said.
Dr. Goodwin: No, I distinctly remember saying y'all's expenses are paid. Not all y'all's.
Frankie: No, no, no, no, that can't be. I mean, how is anybody supposed to know that "all y'all's" is plural for "y'all's"?
Dr. Goodwin: Well, all y'all's would obviously be more than y'all's. I mean...
Mike: What is he saying? Do you speak hillbilly?
Frankie: Not well, but I think this hillbilly is telling us that we owe $674.
Dr. Goodwin: Ooh, y'all ordered a lot.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Oh, man. I ordered ribs, and I didn't like them, so I ordered a steak. I was living like Caesar up here. And, Frankie, seriously? Dry cleaning?
Frankie: They folded my underwear. It made me feel special. But what about you? Shoeshine? What are you, running for congress?
Mike: I thought all expenses were paid. It seemed nuts not to do it.
Frankie: Let's just run, Mike. Let's just grab the soap and Kleenex and run.
Mike: We can't. We gave them a credit card... the good one.
Dr. Goodwin: Ooh, boy, I got to say, y'all are in quite a pickle.
Mike: [Southern accent] Are we? Are we in a pickle? Have we done and done it? Are we long-tail cats in a room full of rockers?
Frankie: Mike, calm down. That is not helping anything. Now, look, I will think of something, but in the meantime, take the robe off, Hef. That costs 60 bucks. Take the other one out of my suitcase.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Okay, we'll start with the basic categories of lies. Number one... personal tragedy. You're dying, a friend's dying, Grandma's dying. You get the picture. It's old school, but it totally works. It does, however, require a certain shady moral compass.
Sue: I could never do that to Grandma. She just sent fudge.
Axl: Well, there's the "appeal to their humanity" lie. You call up the professor and say, "I could tell you a lie, but I respect you too much."
Sue: Wait, so am I lying or not lying?
Axl: That might be a little advanced for you. There is a new category that's very promising. The "I identify with the opposite gender and have issues" lie. The only downside is you have to live the next four years as a man. It's a big commitment.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Oh, I'm telling you, Sue, that was great. You took the lie, you internalized it, then you externalized it all over your professor. Impressive.
Sue: Oh, thank you. It felt good. Well, not the throwing-up part, but the make-up test is awesome.
Axl: Damn, Sue, you crushed it. You have just graduated summa cum blabbity-blah from the University of Axl.
Sue: Aww. Listen, I know I was a little hostile about having you here at first, but now I'm kind of glad you're my roommate.
Axl: [chuckles] Actually, was your roommate.
Sue: What? Where are you going?
Axl: I'm like Mary Poppins. I've helped you. Now it's time for me to move on and help others. And in this case, "others" are two super-hot chicks that live above Donovan's market that'll let me sleep on their beanbag for a week.
Sue: But it won't be the same here without you.
Axl: Of course it won't, but when the fudge returns, so shall I.
Sue: Wait. [hands Axl the inflatable palm tree] Bye.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: [v.o.] Well, Axl and Sue might've shared a house for 18 years, but for the first time in their lives, they were sharing a room.
Axl: You know, I've been watching you, and you brush your hair a lot.
Sue: Shut your mouth! Shut your stupid mouth! I did not want you here. I did not ask for you to be here. You are here because I am nice and I am weak and I am still a little scared of Dad! And just so you know, there is fudge somewhere in this room that Grandma sent to me with love, and don't even bother trying to find it because it is hidden and it is mine!
Axl: Correction... was fudge.
Sue: That's it! You took something I love. Now I am going to take something you love. I do not like this palm tree. It does not go with my room. [tree deflates] I am not doing a beach theme. I am doing classic rustic cottage, which anyone with half a brain could see! Die! Die!
Quote from Axl
Mike: He's like a locust. There's no more food. Go infest another house.
Axl: Oh, my god, it's not my fault I'm stuck living here. I accidentally paid two hippies I thought were my landlord. Do you think this is easy on me? Think I like seeing Mom walk around in her bra?
Frankie: Good, then it's working.
Quote from Axl
Sue: I am trying to study, Axl.
Axl: I'm studying, too.
Sue: You couldn't possibly be studying because you are playing guitar.
Axl: Look, Sue, everybody likes the guitar. Nobody likes you. Therefore, everybody likes me playing the guitar. It's the Pythagorean theorem. I learned that studying while playing guitar. Your witness. I'll see you in law school.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Ah, shoot, you beat me again. You're so good at this. I give up.
Big Mike: No, no. Just one more game. You can be red this time. It might change your luck.
Brick: I'd love to, but unfortunately, I've got a ton of work to do. I'm gonna put a video on for you. Oh, how about Kelly's Heroes? You like war, don't you? [Big Mike imitates pistol]
Quote from Dr. Goodwin
Frankie: So, where's my desk?
Dr. Goodwin: You won't have a desk. That's the whole Smile Superstars international concept. Everything is modern and open. You'll just float from chair to chair with a smile tablet.
Frankie: Really? Smile tablet? I'm sorry, Dr. Goodwin. I don't get why we have to do this. I thought what we had was going great. Long lunches, going online looking at bad celebrity plastic surgeries.
Dr. Goodwin: Frankie, I know all this new stuff is scary. I was the same way with Indian food, but now bring on the saag aloo. And don't worry, Dr. Samuelson will explain the whole deal.
Frankie: Wait, wait... who?
Dr. Goodwin: Dr. Sommer Samuelson, our fearless leader. Now that we're members of Smile Superstars, we're under her umbrella. Her story is capital "a" Amazing. She came from a bad family... her parents made pottery. And now she owns the 13th largest dental chain in the country. You'll hear it at the convention in Des Moines next week.
Frankie: What? No! I can't afford to go to Des Moines. I had to siphon gas out of the lawnmower to get here.
Dr. Goodwin: That's the best part. Y'all's expenses are paid. Sorry, Frankie. If you're opening a new branch, it's kind of mandatory. Actually, they call it "fundatory."
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: This is gonna suck, Mike. They took my desk away. Do you know how many cookies were in there?