Tag: This one's for my liver. This one here, this is for my foot fungus, and this one thins my blood. No lie, if I get as much as a splinter, I can bleed out faster than you can say Tom Sawyer. [Axl chuckles] Don't get old, Mike.
Mike: Believe me, I'm weighing all my options.

Tag: Hey, guys, what gives?
Axl: He doesn't want to go back in there 'cause he got shot down trying to pick up the hot cashier.
Mike: No, I was trying to teach him how to talk to girls 'cause he was embarrassing himself.
Tag: [chuckles] Axl, Axl, Axl. Listen, if you wanted tips on the ladies, you should have come to the old Tag-eroo. Here's what you do. First you win over her father. Then you buy her a rose every day for two weeks. Trust me, you'll be holding hands in six months.
Axl: Well, Grandpa, that's all really awesome advi-
Tag: Come on, let's go in. I'll be your sidecar.
Mike: Wingman.

Frankie: So, Mom... What's the plan? When are you gonna start cooking tomorrow? Mike's been dreaming about your famous sweet potatoes.
Pat: Oh, don't worry, Mike. You're gonna get your sweet potatoes. This year, I prepared everything ahead of time and I froze it. Made these babies in July. After all, Thanksgiving is about the family, not the food.
Mike: It's a little about the food.

Tag: Hey, sleepyhead, it's 7:30. How do you like your Tag-cakes?
Mike: At 9:30.
Tag: I'll bet Axl's hungry.
[Axl grabs the plate and takes it under his blanket, empties it and returns the plate without even sitting up]
Tag: Attaboy. Enjoy 'em. I put three sticks of butter in every batch.

Pat: Well, Aunt Helen comes home early from the bingo trip, and she found him with his home health care worker, proving services not covered by the HMO.
Frankie: [gasps] No.
Janet: Not again.
Pat: Yes, again. [Sue walks in] Uh, maybe we should talk about this later.
Frankie: It's okay. Sue can hear the family gossip. She is not a little girl anymore.
Sue: No, I am not. I matured on September 21st, if you know what I'm sayin'. I'm saying I got my period.
Pat: Yeah, we got the e-mail. So anyway, aunt Helen, who's still very feisty...
Frankie: [v.o.] And just like that, Sue became a member of the blah blah sisterhood.

Mike: How's that TV coming, Axl?
Tag: Yeah, you can punch those buttons till you're blue in the face. That TV ain't coming on. Damn cable company wanted to charge me an extra 4 bucks a month for HD. You know where I told 'em to go.
Axl: Here? To fix the TV?
Tag: I got those bastards right where I want 'em. I guarantee you they're gonna blink first. Besides, it's the holidays. Who needs TV?
Mike & Axl: I do.

Axl: Hey. How you doing?
Cashier: Fine.
Axl: Cool. Cool.
Cashier: Just the tiny pink marshmallows, sir?
Axl: Oh, uh... Yeah. Right. Those aren't for me.
Cashier: Anything else?
Axl: Uh, what type of gum would you recommend? I, uh, like to chew it while I play football. [hands her cash] Oh. Yeah. Ah. Hurt my shoulder. Not sure if it was from football... Or from playing guitar in my band that I play in. You know...
Cashier: Thank you for shopping at the mini-mart.
Axl: I'm, uh... Axl, by the way.
Cashier: Thank you, Axl, for shopping at the mini-mart.

Axl: What?
Mike: Nothing. I just never really witnessed your game up close before. "What kind of gum would you recommend?"
Axl: Hey, I think I laid some nice groundwork.
Mike: Really? 'Cause I think you dug a big hole and then fell in it. You can't just talk about yourself, Axl. You gotta ask them some questions. Women like to talk about themselves.
Axl: Why do you even care about this?
Mike: 'Cause someday I'd like you to get married and get out of my house.

Mike: Okay. Watch and learn. [to the cashier] So they got you working on Thanksgiving, huh?
Cashier: Yeah, but it's okay. I'm trying to save some money for college.
Mike: Oh, is that right? What high school do you go to?
Cashier: St. Mary's.
Mike: Oh, yeah. That's the catholic school just down the street. So do you gotta wear those catholic girl uniforms with the skirts? [chuckles]
Cashier: Sir, this conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Axl: Smooth, Dad. I thought that Dateline guy was gonna come out of the back.
Mike: Shut up.