Mike: How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Sue: Well, I must have done it wrong. I have your balance at minus $11.
Mike: No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong. [Frankie and Mike high-five]

Mike: You know when I was happiest? I mean really happy? When I was driving everybody. When they were small, and I'd be driving. Didn't matter where. It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back. And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving. And I had it. I had everybody.

Mike: You know, uh... I do actually have something to say. Um, growing up as, uh, Rusty's big brother, I was always having to teach him things that I learned before him: How to tie a fishing fly, how to to slide belly-first into home plate. Anyway, the other day, when he said that he was now gonna be part of a family, I figured, well, maybe there's a thing or two I could tell him about that. 'cause see, Rusty, family... Isn't easy. Kids think they don't get to do what they want, but the truth is parents don't get to do what they want, either. Parents gotta drive kids around and help 'em with their homework after a long day at work. You think we like doing that? But that's family. A bunch of people not doing what they want. [Frankie gestures to Mike to cheer it up] I'm- I'm- I'm getting there. See... You're gonna piss each other off. You're gonna say horrible things, you're gonna make each other cry, 'cause there's no one in the world that'll make you more miserable than your family will. [Frankie gestures again] I'm getting there. See, I don't even get to give the toast I want. My point is, we're all gonna die, and we're all gonna have a gravestone with a dash on it. "1942-2016," "1963-2038" And that dash represents your life, and the thing I know for sure is, 'cause of these four people right here, my family... Is that that dash will have meant something... and, Rusty, I wish that for you, too. That's it. [to Frankie] I told you I was getting there.

Mike: Sue, you got to come clean. You're too young to be in debt. It's different for us. We have a long-range financial plan where we die before we have to pay anybody off. But you don't have that cushion.

Mike: What's it say? What's it say?
Sue: Uh... I don't know. Is this for one year or four years? Oh, my God, how can I go to college if I can't even figure out the financial-aid letter?! [breathing heavily]
Frankie: I see room and board. I see tuition.
Mike: Yes. They're giving us everything we needed! We're poor!
Sue: Whoo!
Frankie: [laughs] Yeah! We did it! Oh!
Sue: Whoo!
Frankie: I told you we were poor enough. I never stopped believing.
Mike: You know, if we'd have worked a little bit harder, none of this would be possible.

Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about walking away from our house?
Frankie: Maybe. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just thinking out loud.
Mike: Frankie, that's not the way it works. You struggle for years and years and fall behind on your payments, until you get evicted by the sheriff, who throws all your stuff out on the lawn in front of the neighbors. That's how you leave a house in America.

Mike: But, uh, your mom knows she's only got you for a few more years, and, well, it's not just your mom. It's me, too. Time goes fast, you know, the whole "Cat's In The Cradle" thing. That's why I wanted to have Christmas with just the family. Well, that, and your grandparents are nuts.
Axl: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, what's "Cat's In The Cradle"?
Mike: Well, it's a song from the '70s. You've heard it.
Axl: Uh, no.
Mike: "My child arrived just the other day, came into the world in the usual way." "There were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away." Anyway, the kid goes off to college and... gets married, you know, starts a family, and the dad starts to slow down, and... "I've long since retired. My son's moved away. I called him up just the other day. Said, 'I'd like to see you if you don't mind.' He said, 'I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time. See, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you, Dad. It was sure...'" [exhales] Anyway... it was a pretty famous song. Have fun at the bonfire.
Axl: Yep. I will.

Mike: Look, Brick, you're freaking yourself out here. The news is on 24 hours a day now, so they got to keep drumming up scary stuff so people will watch.
Brick: But it's all true. It's all stuff that's really happening.
Mike: Sure, but what you got to do is ignore it. That's what I do. Anything that's gonna be bad news: TV, the internet, parent/teacher conferences... I ignore it. Embrace denial. You'll be much happier. Then, when you turn 21, embrace beer.
Frankie: [sighs] Nice parenting there, Dad.

Nancy: Um, o-o-okay, well, if anybody else wanted to talk about our town or...
Mike: I'll do it. Hi. Mike Heck. Uh, born and raised in Orson. Uh, listen, when I first heard about this whole, um, 200th thing, I thought it was dumb. But the more I thought about it... the more I thought about it... I started to think maybe it isn't such a bad idea. 'Cause this town deserves to be noticed. But not by some magazine, by us. Now, I'm a guy who gets up and puts on the same thing every day... a plaid shirt and jeans... just so I don't have to think about it. And we all do that... we get up, we go to work, we make dinner, put the kids to bed, and we forget... how lucky we are, how fortunate we are to live in a town where, uh, Maricela stands out in front of her store with a plate, asking if you want to try a butter cookie. Or... Or... Or Joe at the stereo store... Well, that's what they called it when I was growing up. You go in there, he always says hi, you ask him how his day's going, he always says, "Great." Or how 'bout Lee? She's the... She's the heart and soul of this town. I think she was here when it was founded. [light applause] And Bill... When my roof was leaking, Bill came over and helped me patch it, and he left his hammer at my house. So I returned it to him, but he said, "It's not even my hammer." Somebody else had left it at his house when we were all there fixing the fence. So, that's why, yesterday, I put that hammer in our family's time capsule. 'Cause I think people in the future should know that this is a town where people help each other out. 'Cause you do for family. And that's what we are. So, you know, uh, we're... we're, uh... we're lucky. We're really lucky. Uh... okay. I guess that's all I got. [cheers and applause]

Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike went to his next interview ready to play the game.
Doug: So, Mike, what is it about septic tanks that appeals to you?
Mike: Gosh, where do I begin? Uh... I think what you do is important for the community.
Doug: Well, there are a lot of important jobs out there, Mike. Why this one?
Mike: I just really like to work with my hands, you know? Just get in there and... Yeah.
Doug: Lot of jobs where you can work with your hands. Why here?
Mike: I just think of the reward of hosing out a tank and giving some lucky family a fresh new start. I mean, you can't ever really get to know somebody until you've gotten to know their waste.
Doug: But why septic waste?
Mike: Because the idea of putting on a rubber suit and goggles, and wading through human excrement sounds like the adventure of a lifetime. It's like being an astronaut here on planet Earth. I guess what I'm really saying is that septic waste is my passion.