Frankie: Okay, Aunt Edie. I finally got her to go. She went number three, so... I'm just gonna change her diaper, bleach my hands, and then hit the road. [gasps] What the-- Aunt Edie! [puts out kitchen fire] Aunt Edie... [carries the frying pan over to Aunt Edie]
Aunt Edie: Oh, no, thank you, dear. I couldn't eat a thing.
Frankie: Aunt Edie, I don't know if you're okay here by yourself anymore. I'm worried about you.
Aunt Edie: I'm worried about you. You'll never get a man if you can't cook.
Frankie: You know, if you ever get confused, you can always call. Remember we bought you this new phone? There's pictures of me and Janet and mom on it. So if you ever need help, or you just want to talk to me, all you have to do is push my face.
Aunt Edie: [pushes Frankie's face, literally] Hello?

Sue: Hey, Mom. Since this is my first big high school dance, I just wanted to go over some ground rules with you so you wouldn't be worried.
Frankie: Oh, yes, I was definitely gonna want to go over ground rules.
Sue: I went to kickinitteenstyle.com to check curfew recommendations on their "How late? Debate." Their rule of thumb is 11:00 PM unless you've earned your parents' trust, in which case, it'd be midnight. Have I earned your trust, Mom?
Frankie: You have, but Darrin hasn't, and he's just so dumb. I'll see you at 11:00.

Frankie: [v.o.] The first warm day of spring. After being cooped up all winter, kids all over America are bouncing off the walls to get outside... Except one.
Brick: [Mike opens the curtains] Ah!
Mike: Come on, Brick. It's a nice day. Go outside.
Brick: Why are you punishing me?
Mike: You're not being punished. You should want to go outside and play.
Brick: No, thanks.
Mike: Okay, then you're being punished. Go outside. Ah, no book.
Brick: What do kids even do outside?
Mike: I don't know. Run, frolic, poke something with a stick...

Brick: Well, I have terrible news.
Frankie: You've come to the right place.
Brick: The library's closing due to budget cuts.
Frankie: Oh, no. That's where I dump you all summer for free babysitting.

Brick: What's happening to me? First the tick, then the library closing... [Mike takes the flyer out of Brick's hand] Then the paper cut I just got. As soon as I got this clover, my life started falling apart. If you think about it, there's really only one plausible explanation. This clover is evil. [whispers] Evil. [throws it outside]

Frankie: What about the lady who took care of your dad when he broke his hip? Would he remember her name?
Mike: I'm not talking to my dad anymore.
Frankie: Oh, gee. What are you gonna do with the extra four words a year?

Frankie: Hey, we're interviewing a bunch of people to take care of Aunt Edie, and I can't find any of the coffee mugs. Have you seen any? [Axl raises a measuring a jug filled with coffee] Thanks for your help.
Axl: How is it not helpful? I went to get a mug. There weren't any in the cupboard, so I thought, "What's the last thing Mom will ever use?" Measuring cup. Eh? You're welcome.

Darrin: Bro. You can't ask him to give up his date.
Axl: Oh, don't you dare "bro" me. Bros don't ask other bros' sisters to prom! [sighs] Everyone's got a date but me.
Darrin: Hey, you can always third-wheel with us. I'd have to run it by Sue, of course, but...

Darrin: What about Tina Rafferty? Does she have a date?
Sean: Going with Brian Dalton.
Darrin: That girl with the extra finger who sits in the back of American History?
Sean: Skater guy with the faux-hawk asked her.
Axl: Would you guys shut up about stupid prom?
Sean: Says the guy who already has a date.
Axl: Whoa, Weird Ashley is not a date. Okay? She's a witch, and she tricked me into going, with her freaky mind powers. [groans] Prom is gonna suck.

Darrin: Why do I even have to ask anybody? There's too much pressure. I don't want to deal with all the prom-a drama. I just want to dance. [stands up]
Sean: You're not gonna dance now, are you?
Darrin: No. Gonna take a whiz.

Axl: Now we just gotta find a date for Darrin.
Darrin: Not a problem. I got a date.
Axl: Yeah, right. What'd you do? Ask someone you met on the way to the bathroom? [laughs]
Sue: [shouts out the window] Darrin. Do you like this color? I was thinking magenta for a dress if you want to coordinate. [screams] I'm just a frosh and I'm going to prom!