Mike: Frankie.
Frankie: I just... I mean... [sighs] Is that it? 'Cause I have things I wanted to tell him.
Mike: We've been telling him things for 18 years. If he hasn't got it yet, he never will.
Frankie: Okay. I just... thought it would be more of a moment, you know?
Mike: Yeah. Well, he's only 42 minutes away.
Frankie: [sighs deeply] Okay. Okay. Bye, Kenny. Nice to meet you. You boys study hard. But not too hard. Have some fun, too. That's what college is all about. Your whole life is waiting. And remember, you can't discover new lands without leaving the shore. That was on Oprah. Or in the Bible. Anyway, don't be afraid to try new things. But not drugs. And you shouldn't eat mayonnaise if it's been sitting out for more than two hours. [cries] This is just so hard. [hugs Kenny]
Mike: I know. It's hard to say goodbye to Kenny.

Axl: Look, can we just go, please? Everyone's waiting in the car. And I don't need anything. I can just buy stuff when I get to school.
Frankie: Yeah, with what?
Axl: Uh, my scholarship money. Duh. I mean, don't they give it to me in, like, an envelope or something when I get there?
Frankie: There's no envelope, Axl. It's already been spent on classes and room and board.
Axl: Are you serious?
Frankie: Let's see. Shower shoes. Shower shoes.
Axl: Ugh! Why do I even need shower shoes?
Frankie: So you don't get athlete's foot.
Axl: Already got it. I'm good.

Tag: [on the phone] College boy, huh? Put him on. Put him on.
Frankie: Everybody's on, Dad. You're on speaker.
Tag: Listen, kid. College is fun, but I got a mean case of the VD my freshman year.
Frankie: Take him off speaker! Off speaker!
Tag: And, you know, the strains now are even worse, so be careful.
Frankie: Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker.

Axl: This is outrageous! When was I gonna find out about this? I'm practically the head of the household. How long have I been supporting you people?
Frankie: We just borrowed it during a desperate time. We had no way of knowing that all the times would be desperate.
Mike: Look, we-- we spent plenty of money on you over the years. I really don't think we owe you anything.
Axl: Really? Mm. I have made life so easy for you people. I got a scholarship to college, so you don't even have to pay for it. I... How much is college? Like, $2,000? Well, I want that, too, then! With interest!
Mike: What is interest, Axl? Do you even know what interest is?
Axl: I'm interested in getting my money back. That's what I'm interested in.

Frankie: This is it, huh? [Mike chuckles] Our little boy's really going to college. [breathes deeply] [voice breaking] This is it. This is the moment.
Mike: Hey. Hey, come on. He's only 42 minutes away. We're lucky he wasn't smart enough to go farther.

Mike: You really think he needs all this crap? A mini ironing board?
Frankie: It was on the list, Mike. They wouldn't put it on the list if he didn't need it. Everybody, keep labeling.
Mike: Little candles?
Frankie: Oh. Those are for us for when we entertain outside.
Mike: We don't entertain outside.
Frankie: Well, with Axl gone, we might. Here, take your marker and label his collapsible rain poncho.
Mike: Hawaiian Breeze purse freshener?
Frankie: My firstborn is leaving! Excuse me if I would like my purse to smell fresh!
Mike: That doesn't smell like Hawaii.
Frankie: You've never even been to Hawaii.
Mike: Yeah, and we're never gonna get there if you keep our spending money on purse freshener.

Axl: Wait. What did he mean about money? Did Grandma and Grandpa give me money? Oh, my God. They did. Did you steal my money? Oh, my God. They stole my money.
Mike: Relax. Nobody stole your money. We just... uh... diversified your portfolio into food, clothes, braces.
Axl: Seriously? You wasted my money on Sue's ugly face? That thing's a black hole. You could throw money at it forever. It's never gonna get better.
Sue: Mom!
Frankie: Mike.
Mike: Hey. Investments sometimes take a while to pan out.

Frankie: [v.o.] One of the great challenges faced by parents throughout history is getting their kids up for the first day of school... unless they're going to college.
Axl: I am so out of here! Dad, come on! Let's go! You gotta drop me off at college!
Frankie: What?
Axl: I am gone. Dad's giving me a ride up to college, so lates.
Frankie: Axl.
Axl: Ugh. Fine. Later. [kisses Frankie on the forehead] Come on, Pops. Meet you at the front door.
Frankie: Uh, we're all going, not just "Pops." We're all taking you up to college.
Axl: [scoffs] Why?
Frankie: It's an iconic moment, Axl. It's an iconic moment for us and for you and our whole family, and we're all gonna do it together.
Mike: Told you she wouldn't go for it.
Axl: Ugh. Fine. Just don't shower or try to look nice or anything. I want to get there before all the hot chicks put on the Freshmen 10. Okay, now, I'm gonna go rip one last fart in Sue's room, and then let's hit the road.

Frankie: Brick, Sue, let's go! We got to take your brother to school.
Sue: Axl said just he and Dad are going.
Frankie: Well, Axl was wrong. We are all taking Axl up to school.
Sue: What? No! I can't do that - not today. Today is when I find out if I'm gonna be a Junior Peer Leadership Adviser, and I don't want to miss the call.
Frankie: Wait. I thought you already did that last year.
Sue: No, that's mentoring the freshmen. This is mentoring the sophomores who mentor the freshmen. Being Junior Peer Leadership Adviser is the gateway to becoming Recording Secretary. And I don't want to jinx anything, but I wrote a killer essay called "Leading When No One Is Looking, Listening, Or Letting You." And my interview went very well.
[flashback:]
Sue: That's why I would also suggest "Mix It Up Mondays," where a student who is "More Popular" might have to make a student who is erroneously perceived as "Less Popular" their friend.

Frankie: Hey. You got your stuff? You all ready?
Axl: Locked and loaded.
Frankie: Wait. That's it? That's all you're taking? That's not all you're taking to college. What happened to the list they sent?
Brick: That's my toothbrush.
Frankie: What are you doing? What... There's no clock, no shower caddy, no shower shoes. Nothing in here is from the list they gave you. I gave you money to get stuff off the list.
Axl: Relax. I got stuff. I got this. [holds up an inflatable palm tree] Well, you haven't seen it blown up. Also, I got a bag of sand. You know, I'm going for, like, a tropical beach theme. It's gonna be... [high-pitched voice] hot.