Previous Episode Next Episode 
War of the Hecks

‘War of the Hecks’

Season 5, Episode 11 -  Aired January 15, 2014

A prank war breaks out between Axl and Sue when she discovers he was the one who stole her Thundering Hens mascot head. Frankie starts spending her evenings with her boss, Dr. Goodwin (Jack McBrayer), who doesn't have any friends in Orson. Meanwhile, Mike tries to bond with dog Colin Firth as Frankie insists she will find the owner, and Brick reads Debbie Reynolds' book.

Quote from Brick

Axl: Hey, buddy! How would you like to play this new game I invented? I call it "Extreme Room Makeover, Brick Edition." Ahh!
Brick: If it's anything like your other games, "Hamper Hostage", "Drier Ride", and "Toilet Explorer", I think I'll pass. Besides, I've got a new book I'm very excited about and wish not to be disturbed.
Axl: Unsinkable by Debbie Reynolds?
Brick: It's on the branch librarian's list of winter must-reads. She was dead-on about Nora Ephron's I Feel Bad About My Neck, and this is supposed to be just as good.
Axl: Mm, okay. Here's the thing, Brick. [clears throat] It's not exactly a choice. Now, you can help me, or your book can be the next contestant on Toilet Explorer, and I'm guessing it's really not that unsinkable.


Quote from Brick

Brick: Sorry, Margie. Just not my cup of tea. I don't think I'm the target audience. Really looking forward to Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood, though. [whispers] Ya-Ya.

Quote from Axl

[Brick holds up a CD of Mariah Carey's "Merry Christmas" album]
Axl: Keep.
Brick: Keep?
Axl: Whatever. Just keep. I don't care. Just keep it.

Quote from Brick

Axl: Hey. Have some respect. That's only my city championship jersey from the most glorious moment of my life. Duh, keep.
Sue: You know, Memory Lane Adventure actually sounded fun when you first came up with it, but now I'm starting to think this was just another scam to make us do your work for you.
Brick: I'll give you five more minutes and I'm done. I need to find out how it all pans out between Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher, and also who Eddie Fisher is.

Quote from Sue

Axl: Ugh.
Sue: [voice breaking] Okay, I know you still hate me. [sniffles] And I know you think I'm not your sister anymore. But you didn't respond to my note, so I don't know what else to do because now you're going back up to school. And I was thinking because I destroyed something so important to you, the only way to make it up to you is if I destroy something just as important to me. So, forgive me, Woofy Dog.
[Sue sobs as she starts tearing chunks out of her stuffed toy]
Sue: Everything just got so out of hand. I am not proud of it. I have never known my life without you, and I don't even want to think about what that would be like, and these last few days when you said I wasn't your sister anymore, I honestly thought I was going to die! [groans]
Axl: Okay! Fine! Stop! God! You're my sister again.
Sue: Are you sure? Because there's some people who use the word "Sister," but it doesn't really mean anything, and they just go off to college and they never see each other again and they only call when it's time to put their parents in a home or exchange Christmas cards, and that's it. But that's not the kind of sister I want to be. I want to be the kind of sister you call all the time and we laugh about how crazy mom's being. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And your kids look a little like me and my kids look a little like you and we all go to King's Island every year together and wear matching t-shirts.
Axl: I'll agree to everything, except the t-shirts.
Sue: No matching shirts. You got it.
Axl: [clears throat] Here, let's, uh... try to fix this thing. I think I still might have some glue left over from your toothbrush. [Sue hugs Axl]

Quote from Dr. Goodwin

Frankie: Hey, Dr. Goodwin. I found something I think you might like.
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, my stars! Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Frankie: I heard about this family who found a lost dog, and they treated him very well and he loved them so much. They called him Colin Firth after the handsome and emotionally vulnerable British actor. [chuckles] So, this should make you feel good, huh?
Dr. Goodwin: [chuckles] Oh, are you kidding? He's amazing. Yes, you are. Just amazing.
Frankie: [voice breaking] He really is.
Dr. Goodwin: [chuckles] And he looks so much like Toffee.
Frankie: Excuse me?
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, well, Toffee only had three legs. But other than that, they're twins.

Quote from Mike

Mike: [Colin Firth barks] How are those "Found Dog" fliers coming?
Frankie: Oh, you know, I haven't heard anything.
Mike: Hmm. 'Cause you haven't done anything yet. Saw a big stack of them just sitting in your trunk.
Frankie: You know, you're the only one that has a problem with Colin Firth anymore. It's not his fault. He just barks at you 'cause he's scared of your face. You have a hostile resting face.
Mike: A what?
Frankie: A hostile resting face. HRF, Mike. It's a thing. See? Right there. You always look like you're just a little pissed off.
Mike: Good. That's what I'm going for.

Quote from Sue

Brick: There's something big stuck back here. Really wedged...
[Sue gasps as Brick pulls out Sue's "Thundering Hen" costume head]
Axl: Oh... right! [laughs] That's hilarious. I totally forgot about that.
Sue: Axl. You stole my Thundering Hens mascot head? It was you?
Axl: Pretty awesome prank, though, right? You totally thought it was Roosevelt High. O-objectively speaking, you got to appreciate how genius it was.
Sue: [clicks tongue] Do you realize what you did to me? I suffered incredibly intense humiliation because of this. Brad got into a very dangerous dance fight because of this. I was a Chicken Bear instead of a Thundering Hen for a whole year because of this!
Axl: [clicks tongue] Oops. [chuckles]
Sue: You are dead. You are so, so dead!

Quote from Sue

Sue: Dad, you are not gonna believe what Axl did to me.
Mike: Made you brush your teeth?
[Sue flaps her arms to show the toothbrush and toothpaste are stuck to her hands]
Sue: This is so unfair. He doesn't even have a reason to be mad. I'm the one with the reason. He started this last year with-
Mike: Sorry, Sue. Can't hear any complaints that go back a year.
Axl: Oh, look. The ugly bot has a new attachment toothbrush and tooth paste. [chuckles]
Sue: [squeezes toothpaste out] You! You are done! The days of me being your doormat are over!

Quote from Brick

Brick: "Unfortunately, though, after the demise of yet another marriage, the Debbie Reynolds Hotel and Casino fell on hard times, and she was forced to declare bankruptcy in 1997."
Sue: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Brick: Don't worry. She got back on her feet.
[A poster with a school picture of Sue and the text "Have you seen this dork? No reward" is stuck to the pole]

Page 2