A collection of quotes featuring the blue bag, the perennially-misplaced snack bag which sometimes accompanies the Hecks on family trips.
Mike: Frankie, where are you going?
Frankie: No, I can't do this. No. I can't do it. I am not gonna take my son a million miles away. I will not be a part of it. It's just... It's too much. You guys do what you want, but I'm not going. I tried, Axl. I tried to be cool so that you'd come back and visit and I wouldn't lose you forever, but you know what? I'm not cool. I am not okay with this. You know, Indiana Mobile has a family plan for a reason. Because families are tied together. No matter what. We can't all be off using our minutes willy-nilly by ourselves. The minutes are all connected! They are intertwined! 'Cause that's the way it's supposed to be. Indiana Mobile gets it.
Frankie: No. And you have to appreciate the minutes before they run out. Because this is it. It's really it. [sobs] It's over. The five of us are never gonna be together like this again. Axl's leaving, Sue's gonna take some hotel job, Brick'll be sealed up in his room reading, and Dad'll blow up and I'll find out from a grief counselor! It's the end of an era. And it's never gonna be the same again.
Mike: That's the way it's supposed to be. [they all hug Frankie]
Frankie: Just promise me that no matter what happens or... or where you guys end up, we'll always stay on the same family plan.
Axl: We will.
[After the family gets back in the car and drives away, the camera pans down to show the blue bag on the road]
Frankie: [v.o.] So, the day was here... my oldest son was really leaving the nest. I was packing sandwiches and pops for the way there and frosting and tissues for the way back.
Axl: Ready to go?
Frankie: Oh, yes.
Axl: Hey, what happened to the blue bag? It's blue.
Frankie: I backed over the orange one, tuna salad rotted in the yellow one, so I got a new blue one. You get a fresh bag for the trip!
Axl: Mm. Mom, are you doing okay? You've been, like, amazingly chill about all this.
Frankie: Oh, you know, you said you didn't want us to make a big deal, so no big deal. No goodbye breakfast. No teary send-off. And when you come home to visit, this is what you can expect. More of this. Cool Mom all the time. Besides, there's one thing I will not miss around here. Your smelly socks. [sniffs Axl's socks]
Axl: I am starving. We need to stop somewhere.
Mike: You threw perfectly good food out the window. We're not stopping.
Frankie: There's granola bars in the blue bag. Wait. Where's the blue bag?
Axl: Oh, Sue left the blue bag!
Sue: Stop flicking me, Axl!
Axl: You leave the blue bag, you get flicked.
Frankie: Don't flick your sister!
Brick: See? This is why I didn't want to sit in the middle! [whispers] The middle.
Sue: [groans] I'm starving. Where's the blue bag? Did you bring the blue bag?
Frankie: The new blue bag is yellow, and I have no idea where it is.
Frankie: [v.o.] So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread, we packed up the station wagon and hit the road. And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered to bring the blue snack bag...
[flashback to the blue snack bag falling off the roof of the car as they drive away]
Frankie: [v.o.] All the way to the car.
Mike & kids: You forgot the blue bag?!
Frankie: You think I'm happy about this? I had wine coolers and a frozen snickers in there.
Frankie: We made it. We made it Mike. New York, here we come! Whoo!
Brick: Mom, can you hand me the snack bag?
Frankie: Snack bag?
[shot of the blue snack bag on the kitchen table]
Axl & Brick: You forgot the snack bag?!
Frankie: Let's not point fingers.
Brick: I'm hungry. [whispers] Hungry.
Mike: Brick's hungry. What snack did you pack?
Frankie: I've got pretzels, candy corn, cheese corn, kettle corn, Girl Scout cookies, and frosting for dipping. It's all in the blue bag.
[shot of the blue bag on the kitchen counter]
All: You forgot the blue bag?
Sue: It's okay. Look, Bicentennial Diner, 30 miles.
Mike: We're not stopping. I wanna get to the hotel early so Brick can get his rest. We can drive through somewhere.
Sue: But it said they had candle dipping. That would be an awesome postcard. And birthday girl does get to pick the activities.
Frankie: We did promise her. And, besides, the sign said their food is "revolutionary."
Frankie: This is good, guys. We got here early. We staked out a really good spot. Ooh! Yeah, baby! I love me some fireworks! Nothing says summer like fireworks.
Mike: Still in there swingin', huh, pally?
Mike: Gotta hand it to us. A lesser family would've given up.
Axl: Is there a lesser family?
Sue: Ugh. There's barely anyone here.
Frankie: That's because everybody with lesser parents are in their houses, glued to their screens, and we are having a nice picnic. Who's got the blue bag?
Mike, Axl, Sue and Brick: You forgot the blue bag?
Frankie: No, I absolutely did not forget the blue bag. I pulled it out of the trunk.
[shot of a dog eating out the blue bag in the parking lot]
Frankie: Relax. I probably set it next to the car. I'll just go back and get it.
Frankie: Calm down. It's all gonna come back to you eventually. It is all clearly spelled out in the Death Napkin.
Sue: [gasps] Aah! La la la la la la la la! How come every time we get in this car, we end up talking about the Death Napkin?!
Axl: Well, I'm sick of carrying you people. When we get there, it's done. The cash cow's leaving. So good luck surviving on your own. Wasting my hard-earned money on stupid stuff...
Frankie: Oh, yeah? Who bought you the cool shower shoes you love so much, huh?
Axl: I did! I bought them! I bought all of this. You-- fine. I'm eating all of the snacks out of the snack bag. Give me that. I paid for it.
Frankie: Well, where did you have it last?
Mike: [sighs] That is the world's stupidest question. If I knew, I'd have it.
Frankie: Don't get mad at me. I'm just trying to help.
Mike: Well, you're not helping. This is nuts. I don't lose stuff. You're the one who loses stuff.
Frankie: Hey, I don't lose things any more than anybody else.
Mike: Really? Where's the blue bag, Frankie?
Frankie: It's not lost. We had it when we were at Disney World. And it's around here somewhere.
[shot of birds landing on the blue bag next to a "Welcome to Orlando" sign]
Mike: Your keys, the checkbook, your sunglasses, the remote, the keys, the snack bag, your keys... Oh, and...
Frankie: Don't you say my car.
Mike: Did you not lose your car?