- Main Characters
- Big Mike
- Aunt Edie
- Nancy Donahue
- Reverend TimTom
- Mr. Ehlert
- Rita Glossner
- Sean Donahue
- Dr. Goodwin
Quote from The Christmas Tree
Brick: Hey, Mom. Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy? Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment. It's for the women's club. These glasses are the prize for being their top seller.
Frankie: Let me guess. You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people.
Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what, now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.
Quote from Average Rules
Mike: She just keeps going. Where does she get that from?
Frankie: From me. I never give up.
Mike: You give up all the time. You gave up this morning.
Frankie: You're right. As I was saying that sentence, I almost gave up and stopped talking.
Quote from Last Whiff of Summer
Brick: Hang on. This is wrong. None of us are being fair to Mom here. Maybe if you made your case.
Frankie: Oh, please. I am not gonna make my case. [mouth full] Okay, fine. First of all, I'm the one that does all things kid-related. I sign all your permission slips, I run out and get you poster board, I clean that cesspool you call a backpack.
Mike: Frankie, don't do this.
Frankie: Oh, I'm doing it. Do you know all three of your heads were unnaturally large, thanks to your giant favorite parent over here's weird genetic quirk? And that after 27 months of carrying you people around, I can no longer sneeze or laugh or jump in the bouncy house without peeing?
Mike: They don't really need to know that.
Frankie: Okay. What about tonight? Who's the one that got us out of the house, that packed the blue bag full of tasty chicken, and searched the newspapers for the best park with the best view of the best fireworks, all so we could create one stinking memory of "this"? Well, if anybody's still confused, it was me. Me, me, me. So just lie down, stop talking, and start watching, because nothing says summer like fireworks!
[After the family lay down and stare up at the skies, fireworks go off in the distance behind them]
Frankie: Nobody... say... anything.
Quote from A Quarry Story
Frankie: Mike, look at this. Not only did I get my back pay, but I made two commissions!
Mike: What? How'd you do that?
Frankie: Okay. You know how Oprah's motto is "live your best life"?
Mike: Can't that woman just stay retired?
Frankie: Well, here's my motto now. "Don't try."
Mike: I thought that was always your motto.
Frankie: I did, too. Turns out this whole time I thought I wasn't trying, I was actually trying a teeny bit. The key is to not try at all.
Quote from The Shirt
Frankie: All I asked was for you to clean the bathroom! How hard is that?
Brick: Well, if you want to do it properly, you have to get to the root of the problem.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brick. We are not "root of the problem" people. The surface is where we live. You start chipping away and digging down to the root of everything, the whole place falls apart. The filth and grime is what's holding everything together. You want to see a video of how we fix things? We wipe, we slide, we shove, we close. If a drawer is too full to open, move on to the next one. Never open it again.
Quote from Life Skills
Frankie: [sighs] Look, we know an act of God when we see one, okay? We've had rain from our ceiling. We've had floods from our dishwasher. We've had bedbugs, tornadoes, black mold, red ants, a frog infestation! Yeah. Frogs. It's the end of days at our house. I am not kidding you! Look, in other people's cases, God works in mysterious ways, but not in ours. With us, he's pretty straightforward. And we are not people who ask for a lot. But we are people who demand what is ours and what is right, and if you cannot get with that, then maybe you need to get your supervisor, because I don't think that you want good, paying customers like us driving away angry.
[cut to a well wrapped-up Mike and Frankie driving home as the wind blows:]
Frankie: I'm so angry.
Quote from The Jump
Mike: I'm sure we'll find someone who will take him.
Frankie: No, we are not getting rid of the only thing in this house that loves me.
Mike: What are you talking about?
Frankie: I'm talking about the fact that Colin Firth actually appreciates me. He listens to what I have to say. When is the last time any of you listened to me, huh? It's just "Mom, we need this," "Mom we need that." "Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever. All you see when you look at me is something to make fun of. "Ha, ha, ha, Mom was born in the pioneer days," "Mom can't jump," "Oh, Mom's wearing her sweatpants backwards." Okay. I'm sorry. I thought the word "Juicy" was supposed to go on the front, okay? And I just laugh along like it's all okay, and it piles up. And it's just chip, chip, chip, and pick, pick, pick, and it takes its toll, people. It takes its toll! Do you want to know why I can't jump? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I have the weight of all your ridicule and disdain piled on my back and dragging me down! That's why I can't jump! So, when you are all laughing and snickering... you remember I am not just some mom punching bag! [sobs] I am a person with feelings, okay? [dog barks]
Quote from Office Hours
Frankie: Look, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because although presented in a way that was not entirely kind, I do think you guys brought up some interesting points the other day. I mean, I have been losing it lately. I can't remember things the way I used to. And the reason that I can't remember squat is because of you people. My brain can't think its own thoughts because it's got all your crap in there crowding out all the space.
Brick: There's an elephant in the room, and its name is menopause.
Frankie: [sighs] I have to keep track of your orthodontist appointments and you need your notes faxed and can I please buy your old-lady snacks and, "Frankie, remind me. We got to pay that whatever by Friday." I'm tired of being your junk drawer. You people have perfectly good brains capable of storing your own information, and instead, you dump it all into mine and it fills and it fills and it crowds out all my thoughts and that's how I end up losing my car.
Mike: Hey, don't lump me in with them.
Frankie: Oh, you're lumped. Look, the point is, it's not working anymore. It's not working for me, and it's not working for you. And that's why I'm establishing office hours.
Sue: What's office hours?
Axl: What does that even mean?
Frankie: It means that from now on, every day between 5:00 and 6:00, I will be sitting at the kitchen table with my undivided attention waiting to hear whatever crap you kids need from me. So if you need something signed, a check written, a schedule changed, that would be the time to calmly make that request not screaming it at me as I'm running out of the house, or slipping a note under the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.
Sue: So we're not allowed to talk to you at all unless it's between 5:00 and 6:00?
Frankie: Well, that would probably be more of a phase-two thing, but I like the way you're thinking.
Quote from A Heck of a Ride: Part Two
Mike: Frankie, where are you going?
Frankie: No, I can't do this. No. I can't do it. I am not gonna take my son a million miles away. I will not be a part of it. It's just... It's too much. You guys do what you want, but I'm not going. I tried, Axl. I tried to be cool so that you'd come back and visit and I wouldn't lose you forever, but you know what? I'm not cool. I am not okay with this. You know, Indiana Mobile has a family plan for a reason. Because families are tied together. No matter what. We can't all be off using our minutes willy-nilly by ourselves. The minutes are all connected! They are intertwined! 'Cause that's the way it's supposed to be. Indiana Mobile gets it.
Frankie: No. And you have to appreciate the minutes before they run out. Because this is it. It's really it. [sobs] It's over. The five of us are never gonna be together like this again. Axl's leaving, Sue's gonna take some hotel job, Brick'll be sealed up in his room reading, and Dad'll blow up and I'll find out from a grief counselor! It's the end of an era. And it's never gonna be the same again.
Mike: That's the way it's supposed to be. [they all hug Frankie]
Frankie: Just promise me that no matter what happens or... or where you guys end up, we'll always stay on the same family plan.
Axl: We will.
[After the family gets back in the car and drives away, the camera pans down to show the blue bag on the road]
Quote from The Trip
Frankie: I have got to fix this. Sue has to stand up for herself. If this isn't worth the fight, Mike, I don't know what is. Hey, Sue! Get in here! You know what this is? A teachable moment. I saw that on Oprah. Or Project Runway or something. I don't remember, but it's teachable.