‘A Christmas Gift’
Season 3, Episode 11 - Aired December 7, 2011
After Frankie agrees to throw a Christmas Eve party on a tipsy whim, she spends the evening chiding Mike for not buying a new dishwasher. Meanwhile, Sue seeks Reverend TimTom's help when Brick questions the Bible.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Mom, you never told me church is based on a book.
Frankie: I assumed you knew. It's the number one best-selling book of all time.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it's a real page-turner. I do have a lot of questions, though, like Jonah inside the belly of a whale. Wouldn't the whale's digestive juices dissolve him?
Frankie: Look, Brick, I gotta go to work. Ask your dad.
Brick: And how could Noah have two of every animal on one boat? Many are mortal enemies, and the poop alone...
Mike: Brick, it's a little early to be talking about the Bible. Ask your brother.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Hey, uh, you know, I-I said, uh, "truck" a minute ago. I meant "trunk." I left the pecans in the trunk. Just wanted to tell you that.
Frankie: Okay. So can you go get 'em out of the trunk?
Mike: Uh... You know what? I-I meant truck after all, 'cause I've been test-driving trucks... [chuckles] Trucks with trunks.
Frankie: What kind of a truck has a trunk?
Mike: None that I know of. That- That's why I wanted to test-drive it. They're new. Trunk-trucks.
Frankie: What? We can't afford a dishwasher, but you're out test-driving trucks?
Mike: Look, Frankie. [scoffs] I-I'm not gonna explain myself to you. I-I-I'm a grown man. I can test-drive trunk-trucks if I want to. End of story!
Quote from Reverend TimTom
Reverend TimTom: Look, your little brother is a questioner. World's always been full of great questioners. Heck, if people didn't ask questions, God would be out of a job. He's in the answer business.
Sue: But I don't want Brick to question. It's very clear to me. I don't understand why he doesn't get it.
Reverend TimTom: Sue, do you like Justin Bieber?
Reverend TimTom: Does Brick?
Reverend TimTom: Does it bother you that Brick doesn't like Justin Bieber as much as you do?
Sue: Yes. I don't get that either.
Reverend TimTom: Well, the point is, JB knows that he can't force anybody to be a fan. He's aware that people make fun of him. He's in on that, but the Bieb doesn't care. He's just out there singing his song, hoping people come around.
Sue: I'm unofficial sergeant at arms of his fan club, and I am doing all I can.
Reverend TimTom: That's nice, but what I'm trying to say is that Jesus rolls like Justin. JC put the good word out there and let the people find him. You should be cool with that.
Sue: Wow. JB and JC. [gasps] That is blowing my mind.
Reverend TimTom: So maybe you should lighten up on Brick, let him find his own path. Well, I gotta be moving on. [sighs] I'm needed up in Chesterton. Couple girls up there think they're vampires. This Twilight thing has gotten out of hand. I'll see you around, Sue Heck.
Quote from Mike
Brick: Dad, how did God make Eve out of Adam's rib? I mean, if it's a cloning thing like Dolly the sheep, wouldn't Adam's rib just make more Adams?
Mike: Brick, it's too late to start talking about the Bible.
Brick: Well, first it's too early. Now it's too late. When's the right time?
Mike: Sunday morning between 9:00 and 10:00.
Quote from Brick
Sue: So? How'd it go with Reverend Timtom? Was he amazing?
Brick: What can I say? Didn't move me.
Sue: Oh, my God. How could you not be moved? Seriously, how could he not blow your mind?
Brick: He answered my questions with other questions. I'm not a big fan of that.
Sue: You weren't paying attention, were you? [gasps] I'll bet while Reverend TimTom was talking, you were reading.
Brick: There was a fire escape sign that piqued my interest and another one that said "Get Your God On." What does that even mean?
Sue: Brick, you have to believe. I'm not even sure you get to celebrate Christmas if you don't believe.
Brick: Eh. What are you gonna do?
Quote from Mike
Mike: [lowered voice] Hey, Sue. Guess what? I bought your mom a new dishwasher for Christmas.
Mike: Shh. Shh.
Sue: [lowered voice] Aah.
Mike: Now, see, I know I've got a history of giving bad presents, but...
Sue: Oh. You're the worst. Remember when you got mom that spoon rest that said "Queen of the Kitchen"? [chuckles]
Mike: Got it. I'm bad at presents, but this year I'm making up for it. I got it all planned out. I'm gonna get up in the middle of the night and hook up the dishwasher and put a big, red bow on it, and then in the morning, I'm gonna ask your mom to fix me a cup of coffee, and she'll say, "Are your legs broken?" And she'll gripe all the way to the kitchen, and that's when she'll see it. Mm. Good, huh?
Sue: [chuckles] Yeah!
Quote from Sue
Brick: I just don't get it. Why can't anybody answer my questions? I mean, I've found a lot of plot holes in here, and now I'm wondering if any of it's true.
Sue: Brick! Shh! [lowered voice] Lower your voice. Of course it's true.
Brick: Well, how can you be so sure?
Sue: It just is, okay? You should not be talking like this, especially around Christmas.
Brick: So many things don't make sense.
Sue: Hey. There's a lot of episodes of Glee that don't make sense, but I still cry. Okay. I know someone who can answer your Christmas questions. He always comes around this time of year, spreading joy and happiness wherever he goes, and kids wait in line just to see him.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the Middle, we love our holiday parties. The Christmas sweaters, the carols, the eggnog... Lots and lots of eggnog.
Frankie: Oh, shoot! I forgot to say bye to Robin.
Mike: Really? There's someone you didn't say bye to?
Frankie: Well, you didn't give me a chance. You were standing on the porch, waving my coat like a matador.
Mike: I ate a snowman cookie. I read a Sports Illustrated in the bathroom. I think we did what we needed to do.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Did I seriously say I wanted to have a Christmas party?
Mike: Well, your lips were moving, but the eggnog was doing all the talking. [Frankie sighs] So I'm guessing you don't want to renew our vows, either.
Frankie: Oh. No.
Mike: [chuckles] Well, at least the party's off.
Frankie: Uh, no, it's not. I e-mailed everybody last night, and we already have 20 yeses. I swear, we should put a breathalyzer on that computer.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [mouth full] Ask me what?
Brick: Never mind. I'm sure you've never read the Bible in your life.
Axl: Only 'cause I got stuff going on. I'll read it when I'm closer to death, like all old people.
Brick: Uh, so you believe in God?
Axl: Hells, yeah! How else would you explain this awesomeness, huh? [dabs syrup off bare chest]